Casual dating fri sex

Source: rawpixel.com. What Is Casual Dating? It turns out that casual relationships like this are fairly common. According to a survey published in The Journal of Sex Research, 18.6% of male college students and 7.4% of female college students reported having casual sex in the last month. An article published by the American Psychological Association found that 82% of men and 57% of women were ... Casual dating or one night stands is just about being clear over the thoughts of being into a relationship and fulfilling each other's sexual needs with no expectations and commitment. Try out to find someone for a casual dating and to hook up with affairs and dating. Fun is just a click away. Casual dating is all about keeping your options open and playing the field so that you can figure out what type of person you are most compatible with. Read on for 8 rules for casual dating. Find Local Singles For Casual Dating & Hookup in Traverse City. Are you looking for a hot casual hook up in Traverse City? Then you've come to the right place! Here you will find dirty sex contacts from your region. Attractive women from Traverse City who are available for a casual hookup are waiting for your message! Register now for free Relationship scientists define casual dating as dating and sexual behavior outside of a long-term romantic relationship, and describe it as a common relationship strategy among teenagers and young adults. In other words, casual dating is dating someone and possibly having sex with them when you are not engaged, married, or otherwise in a long-term commitment. Overall, the casual dating sites matches millennial standards, although, for older users, it may seem too playful. ... Pure.Dating is an international online magazine about dating, sex and relationships. We write reviews of the most popular dating apps, make ratings, and help our readers to succeed in online dating. ... “Casual dating gives you a social, and perhaps sexual outlet, without creating demands on your time and emotions,” says Tessina. 8. Personal favors are a no-go.

Some advice on how to be a good server. *Satire*

2020.09.14 19:01 Allen139 Some advice on how to be a good server. *Satire*

Okay everyone. I've seen a lot threads asking for advice on how to be good server. Much like you newbies, I was young, optimistic, and happy. However, after 6 grueling years of hospitality, I have become old, angry and bitter. I started out in polished casual and worked my way to fine dining. Here's what I've learned:
  1. Guests aren't your friends. You want their money, they want your service and that's it. The goal is to get the max tip with min effort. At first I was tempted to lie right to their entitled asshole face if need be. They Republicans? "MAGA BABY!" But after some experience, I realize people tip just fine with out the extra chit chat. Personally: Maybe if she's hot ill give them extra bread, but other then that, it's not worth it. Burn and turn. Research has shown that most people tip the same even if you go above and beyond.
  2. Fuck all your coworkers, as is tradition. You are gonna be part of a group. A new culture. Might as well adapt to your new environment. Ensure your sexual performance is up to par though. One time my friend drunkenly hooked up with my coworker and came right away; we called him minute man for like a week. But whatever your do, just make sure you end up with your manager, so you get the good shifts and sections. Which brings me to next point.
  3. Try to help out when you can. Manners are contagious and people notice that shit. Just make sure your section is squared away first. Run food if your bored. This gives you some FaceTime with the chef and cooks. If they like you, they'll give some good food for free, they will also be willing to do your stupid-ass mods for your personal food. You can also flirt with them to get what you want. But whatever you do, do not piss off the chef.
  4. Chef are a special type of creature. They often work very long shifts for a paltry pay. They also usually expo which is a high stress job. So they're very temperamental by nature. So if they are an asshole to you, don't get your panties in a bunch. Take it in stride baby. Besides, they usually have a shit home life. He may be an asshole to you, but least your wife aint cheating on you because your never home.
  5. Make sure you do your sidework. If your checking sidework, ACTUALLY CHECK IT. When i was new, some asshole named Steve lied to me about doing sidework. I trusted him. Turns out he didn't do shit and left early. Steve, I know you read this page and to you i say: your a pussy.
  6. Did they forget to specify a side? Give em fries. I know I know, you should've asked. But you aint got time to go back and present options, wait for them to make a decision, only for them to settle on fries. Skip all that bullshit. They will get fries and they will like it. Fuck em. Same goes for cheese on a burger. Just give em chedder and move on with your life.
  7. Most people can't tell the difference between a merlot and cab. And no one can tell the difference between the brands of the same type of wine. As long as its a chardonnay, they won't know. Order the wrong one? Give it to em anyway. The only thing that needs to match is the price. Split off the wrong one and re-ring the proper wine. Why? Because fuck them. They are nothing but another customer. Unless she's hot. In which case, give her a free sample. Maybe she'll give you her number. That how I met my last lover. Her name was Kim; sex was great but she was crazy.
  8. Up-sell. Especially if its a date. Try to make it out like there is a better option and he's a cheap fuck for getting the cheapest option. This is especially true if its wine. The bigger the bill, the bigger tip. If they order too much food, don't warn them. Just order it. They can get a box after anyway.
  9. No matter what went wrong, its your fault. Always remember that. But no worries, because if you fuck up, offer them a free drink or dessert, and they usually quit bitching. Tell your manager about it and start recovery asap.
  10. Make sure you come in stoned or on coke. Nearly everyone else is, might as well adapt to your environment. Some of you might be thinking "no way, uncle Allen, I'll never come in under the influence of an illegal substance!" Oh sweet summer child, give it a few months and one too many Karen's, you will be begging your coworker to hit their pen. Might as well bring your own. Cleaning up all those little fucking cheerios of some nasty little spawn of Satan is shitty. Its not so bad if your stoned off your ass though.
  11. Racism and tippers. Some believe a certain race are better tippers then others. This a stereotype. Its not true and its not cool. Let me bestow some wisdom on you young padawon: The worst tippers are in fact children and teenagers. You will come to hate those disgusting little shits. They don't have much money nor do they buy much. Make sure you give them poorest service possible. This serves 2 purposes: to not waste your time on shitty tippers, and it teaches those little fuckers that the world is a cruel place. Welcome to real world kid. Now gtfo my section.
That about wrap things up kids. Good luck on your first shift. Follow my advice and you'll be stealing tables in no time!
submitted by Allen139 to TalesFromYourServer [link] [comments]


2020.09.01 21:33 HumbleTales86 Chapter of WIP [1,803]

Bored with Tinder, Andrew called an old friend. They didn’t have to flirt much to know what was at stake. When she kissed him, they both felt the five years between them disappear. She was easy to fall in love with.
“I can’t believe you’re here right now,” she gushed.
Andrew felt his heart beating in his chest. He dove between her legs and listened to her moan. He was gentler than their last encounter, but something animal remained. She was still in runner’s shape. He puffed his chest and felt larger wrapping his arms around her. She was never his type. She was too good of a person for him. Yet, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her when they finished. She draped her calves across his lap and sunk into the couch with a smile of content. Andrew admired her white nightgown, freckles and red, self-pedicured toes. Her eyes were naturally squinted, making even more of a chore of understanding her intensity level. Wide-eyes weren’t good. Everything fell into place as it had five summers before. They felt the butterflies and unpacked their lives.
“Everything on paper works against us no matter how we feel,” she shared.
After their last encounter, she got pregnant within a few months. The guy was as an asshole, as expected, and the only thing bonding them was their daughter whom Andrew had no interest in meeting. He saw where this was going. With the wind blowing through her thin brown hair as she took in the view, he saw her eyes working. He hated to make the assumption, but he knew she saw the good life with him. Raising a kid was out of the question. She hated the city. They couldn’t keep their hands off of one another. It was the most dangerous kind of love he’d ever felt.
“How’s the dating life?” she prodded.
“It’s all new again.”
She straddled him. A peck turned to a tongue and she was naked soon again. Lying in bed in the middle of a Saturday afternoon was a luxury to her. He thought about her mom watching her daughter.
“My mom wants to have you for dinner soon.”
He hated when she did that. Any response led to a regrettable conclusion for him. She slipped on a yellow dress. She was too thin for a floor-length, so flowing at the knee was perfect. He kept his hand on her thigh while they drove through the backwoods of New Jersey.
She stared from his window in wonderment. He could see her mind working and thoughts of a better life for her daughter. On any other occasion, he would have dismissed it and pulled her naked body back into the bed. Instead, he saw his life ending. He walked a fine line as a casual adventurer. When he blinked, Andrew found himself across from a woman begging for affection. He could not find it in himself.
“I don’t care if you’re seeing anyone, you know. I care about being respected.”
“I’ll keep twenty-four hours between you and everyone else.”
“Fuck you.”
She stormed off. He nearly fell asleep with texting paragraphs of apology into the late night hours. It would have been better to have left it at that. Instead, they kept up the façade that the sex was worth the imminent She sent him an offering from the kitchen.
“I love you.”
There it was, hanging between them.
“No matter what happens between us.”
Whenever their next angry fuck and candlelit dinner arrived, Andrew decided to tell her the truth. It was her birthday and that cemented it.
Andrew had been in this city too long. Every restaurant, sign, side street, and neon sign had a history and women tied to them. He funneled a greasy slice of Lorenzo’s into his face under a streetlamp. He was there to feel the breeze and listen to the cars hum through the night on I-95. His talent for using people and maintaining the moral high ground infiltrated his life. He made everything too romantic too soon to numb his pain. He cared little for those in his path. He recognized his recklessness enough to tamp it, but wouldn’t let it go. Under the glowing teal Penn’s Landing light, he blinked at the young who was new to the scene. They kissed and he ignored her. He found power in it. Those flesh-filled moments were merely the bridge between two worlds.
The parking lot below was a reminder. A red Honda-CRX with a dumb wing glistened in the purple night. Andrew imagined it rocking. She was blushing and he was ready to explode. It wasn’t the betrayal making him dwell. Instead, it was the obvious absence of love and the memory of the aborted pregnancy at the start of their relationship and now this one she was keeping at the end.
He began his walk back to Towers Residential. Most of his neighbors were arriving home. The moonlit intersections were filled with people buzzing since dawn. Some were begging, others were ignoring them. These people are vampires. Soulless; motivated by dollars and cents and now, by likes and follows, and shares and comments. They feast in the evening on foie gras and fried calamari. Nothing is made, only bought, sold, and illuminated. Andrew whispered into his phone to anyone who would listen.
“They are mindless drones," he thought. "Some of them have a better suit and a shoeshine but who really gives a fuck? So here I am, locked in this castle, watching over the city that I love. How many times can the same view be inspiring?
“Maybe I've snapped. I understand the excess and how wasteful this is. It will be over soon and I'll walk away saying I did it. I don't sleep in my bed alone.
Sleeping has never come easy to me. Now, being tired scares me. I feel like now, the hours spent resting seem too frequent. Too many "five more minutes" because usually the rest of my five-minute intervals are given to people who would never give them back. I am too wrapped in the identity that goes with the work, but what does that matter?
What's next? Where does life take us? Death to me is becoming slightly scarier than failure. I say this because every failure gives you a chance to start over. Most failures result in some sort of financial chaos. This is not what I intended. This perfect bachelor pad is lonely most nights/ It's not me. I find myself looking back toward the neighborhood instead of the skyscrapers I always wanted. Until I own one of those buildings, they don't matter. My man cave doesn't have a television. It has a desk to showcase a never-ending workshop. My father's work ethic is the gift and the curse.
Am I that fucking stuck in this American Dream that they sold and I don't even want?"
Andrew laid awake thinking about the text that send him on this journey.
“Yesterday was a really hard day for me :/ the only thing I wanted to do was talk to you. Think that was the first day we haven’t talked since we started talking. I have knots in my stomach thinking about this and how that’s it for us. I don’t feel like we talked about it much the other night and I feel like we need to. I have so much going through my mind now and it’s killing me. If I should break up with him or what would I say if I do it. How I pretty much fell for you, and that you’re the guy I think about. Wanting to know how much you like me? Because then maybe that will help my decision? If I left, do you still want to be with me? What would it be like for us. This isn’t or wasn’t easy for me. There is so much I have to think about. If you’d ever give me more time? The one thing I think about is how good we can be together! And what I feel when I’m with you. That we can be goofy and serious and just have fun no matter what. If I knew right now that it was you I wanted would you wait for me? Not talking to you has me thinking a lot. I know it’s only a day but still! My brain won’t stop. Maybe that’s what will help me figure this out. Who knows. But I know I don’t like not talking to you. I know this is my decision I have to make and I can easily change it. And if I do, I’m gonna need to figure some things out first.”
Andrew remembered leaving her alone at Planned Parenthood to wait in the car. Being inside made him uncomfortable. He was watching the lives of the other couples fall apart around him while they pretended to laugh at The 40-Year Old Virgin. Who stocked this video library? These people were all younger and in much worse shape. His friends all had their own scares or knew a relative in the same jam, but they voiced their disapproval of his ultimate decision when it had to be made. A humming vacuum in the distance brought him to freshmen theology class and a strange Pro-Life video. If the Hell they sold him on was the truth, surely, he would be there. It took about an hour. She fumbled with the lock to let herself into his cramped white Neon. They barely knew each other. A party on the beach got out of hand. His job was getting better and he could not justify a ring. With time, they made it work.
When he found the texts, it was reminder they were bound only by death. His nights were spent working rooms and flirting. He saw more opportunity and he should have broken it off himself. He managed to convince himself that he could get anyone he wanted and yet found it morally superior to believe he was better off with her. It leveled him to discover she felt the same way. If she had not acted, he would have remained longer than either of them would have preferred. Her son was born a month later, not long after he unpacked his new lifestyle. He took their condo cash and dumped his 401(k) in a desperate reach for what he thought he had been missing. He developed the kind of insecurity that makes you create a personal brand.
Metallic blue litter covered the “Congratulations on Your Baby Boy!” card he sent to his ex and her new beau. He stuffed it with five crisp hundred dollar bills.
submitted by HumbleTales86 to WritersGroup [link] [comments]


2020.08.27 18:48 InterestingClick1700 Baby mama (30F) HATES me (28F) and it’s causing me severe anxiety

Sorry for the throwaway!
There is a huge backstory to the situation I’m currently in, so strap in for a ride.
SO- my very soon to be fiancé (he has the ring, just waiting on the proposal!) “dated” on and off with a female... we’ll call her Liz, about 6 years ago. He (now 33) primarily used her for sex and was drunk & partying most of the time; he did not take the relationship seriously. He then broke up with her, dates another girl, broke up with that girl and started casually seeing Liz again as she was a bartender and gave free drinks and anytime sex. A couple months of that, and she got pregnant. They spoke and decided together that they were not financially or emotionally stable enough to welcome a child. She agreed, and (as he is a musician) went on tour for a week. When he got home she told him he decided to keep the child and that he has no say in the matter. After about a week of letting this sit, he became excited about having a child and tried to enter her back into his life, keep communication ect. He did not kiss/have sex with her, even though she wanted to... he was trying to be supportive and friendly. Things came to a head when she asked him to be a couple, and he told her again that he saw no future with her, that he will not marry her because she is pregnant and that he will be there 100% in support of the child. She didn’t speak to him again until 2 weeks AFTER the child was born. Since then they have battled it out in court for custody, she pulled him and his family through the mud, tried to drain him financially.. And then she disappeared off the face of the earth when the child was 2, moving two states away, dropping all communication. He had to hire a private investigator to find them; she had cut her hair to the scalp, colored it, and was dressed the male child as a girl. She was bouncing from house to house to hide. He went through the court, and since she refused all communication and court ordered visits, he was awarded full custody. The PI found them, and my fiancé was able to gain custody with police on hand. Since then she has sent threatening letters to the courts, saying she is her own sovereign nation ect ect.. sending a video on cd warning my fiancé that she will prevail blah blah. 100% nuts. NOW for me. She is allowed 1 visit a month for 6 hours, from which she drives 6 hours to come to. She also has the habit of calling once a week (he is at grandmas almost 100% of the time on this day).. and that’s about all the contact she has. Any communication between my fiancé and her is hostile and raises my heart rate. She calls me “ex gfs name” 2.0, tells the now 5 year old child that I’m manipulating him.. when the child talks to her and says my name she always reacts negatively and says I’m weird or gross and tells the 5 year old to tell me not to do so and so. In the past with my fiancé’s ex she had the same issue- hate and resentment. She had tried to clear it up with her by messaging her, but Liz took her number and put it on porn sites for “a good time” or whatever. So, can’t reach out to her and tell her I’d love to be civil. I had once on my fiancé’s phone and she said I sound just kike his ex and that she’ll only talk to me when “he puts a ring on it, then she’ll know it’s serious”. She knows nothing about our perfect relationship and how he already has a ring. I said we plan on it soon and that I’ll let her know; also that we are just trying to raise a child with love and that includes her. She never replied, but sent a nasty text to my fiancé about how she’s taking him back to court (this was because the child said he has 2 mommys).
I love my fiancé and my soon to be step child. We have an amazing relationship, we co-parent as best as humanly possible, and our life is nothing but positive. I just can’t deal with this woman and her constant hate and manipulation of a poor 5 year old. My heart literally pounds and hurts whenever she texts/calls/visits. Oh also, she wasn’t calling all the months before I came in the picture. Once I went to ONE of the visits, she is now trying to assert her dominance. BUT refuses to call while we have him (mon-fri), won’t move to our state to be closer to him... and hasn’t been to a court mandated visit since March (covid, riot excuses). We could have made this happen but she chose not to.
I am at my f***ing whits end. Thinking of her and what she’s going to do next keeps me up at night. Is my only option to see a therapist??? This is going to literally be the rest of my life, and I can’t stop my heart from hurting so much.
Thanks guys love you ❤️
submitted by InterestingClick1700 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.08.18 04:22 welcometosouthapp Welcome to South App #4: "Outside 101"

Monday, August 17th, 2020
Winston Beavers was having a very bad day.
It all began at 5 AM when his phone alarm vibrated. He rolled over on his belly and silenced it before it could wake Tai. It was the first day of class, but Winston wasn’t rising early to drink coffee and read the student newspaper. Instead, he grabbed his trusty silk tie and used it to hang his tablet from the sprinkler head. He slipped his headphones on, booted up some porn, and got straight down to business with both hands.
Now his contraption was holding on by faith and faith alone. But Winston paid no mind. He listened to Irish redheads moaning in his ear while he arched his back and curled his toes. And with each passing second, the weight of the tablet began to wear on the old, rusty sprinkler head.
So, when Winston exploded, so did that sprinkler head.
“Fuck!” Winston yelled, choking on a mouthful of rusty water. He tumbled off the top bunk, landing square on his ass. He scrambled to his feet, grabbed a binder from his desk, and rushed out the room - slipping on the puddle on his way out. Tai was already in the hallway, naked and wrapped in a wet blanket.
“What the hell, asshole?!” Tai blurted out, shivering with his laptop and backpack in each hand. “I told you not to jerk off like that!”
“Save your breath, partner,” Winston reassured him. “This here binder is the only important thing in that goddamn room.”
As water seeped into the hallway, Winston reckoned his luck had finally run out. Earlier this week, the Asheville PD had informed him that his prized Single Action Army was nowhere to be found in evidence. But he still had his precious binder, with the letters BDE inscribed on the spine. And when the water was finally shut off, Winston stuffed the binder back in his desk and made Tai pinky swear to keep it a secret.
***
A few hours later, Tai sat on the sofa in a local Asheville coffee shop with a drink and a bible in front of him.
As your wing-woman, I shall provide some friendly reminders!” Gigi cheerfully told Tai over the phone. “Make sure you’re facing the door so you can see when he comes in. Oh, and remember the order of operations: turn a page, sip your drink, make eye contact. Turn, sip, eyes!
“Uh, are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Tai whispered, as sleepy, hungover students filed in.
“I’m setting you up on an impromptu date on a Monday morning, am I not?”
“And have you run this strategy by amateur wingman extraordinaire Winston Beavers?”
Gigi paused. “Winston and I are...no longer on speaking terms. Sorry! I do not consent to any conversation about the aforementioned obnoxious brute whatsoever. Good luck!”
Gigi hung up. So Tai, who had never touched a bible, flipped to Ephesians like Gigi had coached him before. In fact, she’d planned out everything down to the last detail: the NIV version of the bible, the iced caramel macchiato, and the red and white checkerboard Vans he wore.
But Tai’s mind wandered to a more interesting book that he also had not yet read. He wanted to know what the hell was in Winston’s binder.
Suddenly, Jacky California walked into the cafe. Showtime. His 7:30 coffee break was expected. (Gigi found Jacky’s schedule on Facebook, and a quick visit to this cafe before 8 AM Intermediate Spanish just made sense.) Check. Turn, sip, eyes. Jacky waited in line, wearing a slim-fit red Abercrombie polo, bleached holy jeans, and his prized red and white checkerboard Vans. And his shoe decision, yet again, was also expected. (Gigi discovered that Jacky had only two classes on Monday, influencing his choice in that comfy pair of shoes that he wore in his profile pic). Check. Turn, sip, eyes. When Jacky stepped up to the counter, he ordered an iced caramel macchiato. And, once again, Gigi predicted this move. (Whatever the weather, Jacky’s SoCal roots virtually guaranteed an icy, watered-down coffee approach. Not to mention, nobody drinks hot coffee after sitting in the tanning bed for 30 minutes. Which, according to Gigi’s sleuthing, Jacky partook in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.) Check. Turn, sip, eyes. Finally, while waiting for his order, Jacky pulled out his NIV study bible and flipped to the Book of Acts. (This time, Gigi was only partially off-base. His Facebook modeling photos were actually captioned with Ephesians bible verses. Nothing a quick fix couldn’t remedy). So Tai flipped straight to Acts, took a long sip of his macchiato, and made direct eye contact with Jacky as he walked over.
“Bro, this is freakin’ gnarly!” Jacky said in disbelief, pointing out their matching shoes, bible, and drink. “This is some righteous Revelation-level prophecy if I’ve ever seen it. Hey, my name’s Jacky. Is this seat ocupado?”
***
“Oh no!” Claire exclaimed, stroking Winston's fuzzy beard. “I’m, like, totally sorry about my stud’s mishap this morning!”
“Thank ya, peach pie,” Winston said, shaking his head. “I reckon they’ll move my ass to the broom closet and hang me out to dry.”
Claire and Winston were sitting in the Rec Center courtyard in athletic gear, along with several other hungover students. This was the Outdoors Adventures Seminar, AKA “Outside 101.” For many, it was a breezy way to snag the required Health and Fitness credit hour. And that's exactly why Gigi and Frank were also in this class. They sat on the opposite side of the courtyard, quietly gossipping and shooting the occasional glance their way.
“Your friends over there are, like, totally ignoring us!” Claire piped up, tugging Winston’s sleeve. “That’s, like, so rude.”
“Don’t trouble yourself, puddin’ muffin. They just ain’t ready for us yet.”
“And, like, oh my God! Ryan flat-out told me those are, like, the two people who broke into the frat house and blew up his daddy’s ashes! They are, like, total thugs. Ew!”
“Ah, my sister explained to me that it was a big misunderstanding, bundt cake,” Winston replied, feigning interest.
“Well, you should totally talk some sense to that Asian friend of yours, or else this class is gonna be, like, hella awkward,” Claire suggested. “She has, like, a salt and vinegar chip on her shoulder! It’s, like, totally not my fault that I can pull off a sports bra while she’s wearing those baggy clothes!”
True enough, Gigi and Frank had been giving them the cold shoulder ever since the frat house raid. For Frank, this was because of Winston’s affiliation with Claire Dansby and the notorious fraternity she represented. As for Gigi, it was more simple and personal: the lap dance.
“Ahoy, ladies and germs!” greeted the rugged Australian instructor, decked out in bushman’s gear. “My name is Angus, and I want to welcome ya to Outside 101. While you shop different classes, I indeed hope you’ll choose to spend your semester with us. Today is the Gauntlet Challenge, where we’ll break off into groups and compete for a mighty fine prize!”
With that, Angus hurled an ax at a target behind the students. Bullseye. Everyone stood up to clap and cheer. “Now, everybody come up front and grab yourselves a fine ole’ nametag so we know who you are!”
Winston sprung up and headed for the front of the line. Gigi stood with her back to him, her long black hair draping over her Under Armor tank top. He cleared his throat. “Howdy. Looks like we’re gonna be getting a workout in today. So hey, can I have a word with ya in private?”
She spun around, showing him a forced smile. “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t consent to this conversation.”
With that, she grabbed a nametag and wrote “Gigi.” Winston cocked his head. “So, I seem to recall Sarah telling me that you’ve got a South Korean name that only your father calls you.”
“Ah, but what’s in a name anywho?” pondered Frank, stepping forward. “Sir Winston, I wish to extend a sincere congratulations to your acceptance into the Beta Delta Epsilon Sausage Club. And to that brazen bull of a woman under your thumb. Alas, a braver man than me are you!”
Gigi narrowed her eyes at Winston. “You don’t know my real name?” she stated matter-of-factly. “Do you even know me at all?”
Frank and Gigi walked back to their seat. The hair stood up on the back of Winston’s neck. But before he could retort, two late students entered the courtyard.
“Hey, what’s up dudes and dudettes?” Jacky greeted casually. “Sorry we’re late. We couldn’t find the-"
“Hellooo everyone!” Tai greeted the class flamboyantly. “Jacky-boy, I hope you’re ready for a totally fabulous time! Ready to sweat? Oh, will you look at the sports bra on that blonde gal over here! Looks like Victoria can’t keep her secret for long. Am I right, Tai? Hey, boo-boo! Yes, you in the sports bra. You are killing it!”
Claire giggled, thanking Tai. But he and Jacky wound up sitting next to Gigi and Frank instead, introducing each other. Winston watched from afar, shaking his head. So this is how my roommate acts when he’s no longer single, he thought. Then, when no one was watching, Winston reached into his pocket and pulled out a 20-dollar bill.
“Oi, Steve Irwin,” Winston whispered to Angus, slipping him the money. “I need ya to put me and my friends together in a group.”
Winston pointed out his four friends, scribbled “BAMF” on a nametag, and walked confidently back to his seat. Then, when Gigi was watching, he gave Claire a sloppy, wet kiss.
***
“First elimination challenge is ax throwing!” Angus announced, behind the wheel of a Volkswagen VW bus. “The world’s second-oldest profession.”
Per request, Angus had formed a group out of Winston, Claire, Frank, Gigi, Tai, and Jacky. Now, he was driving them to a deserted field at the base of Mount Pisgah in the Asheville wilderness. Once they arrived, he set up a huge wooden target, then tossed Winston an ax.
“Now you look like a bloke who’s done this before!” Angus remarked.
“Hell, my daddy had to put a lock on the shed,” Winston bragged.
“Winston is, like, totally a wild man when it comes to the outdoors!” Claire chimed in. “I’m, like, super-stoked for him to totally man-handle me in the bedroom.”
The other four cringed at each other. Then, Winston reared back and hurled the ax with two hands, hitting a large ring.
“Three points!” Angus called out. “Claire, think you can conquer this beast?”
Claire stepped forward and grabbed an ax. As a former high school cheerleader, she hid some muscles under her small frame. But what surprised everybody was how she tossed hers one-handed. She hit an inner ring: a five-pointer.
“This, like, ain’t my first rodeo, cowboy!” Claire teased. She brazenly grabbed another ax and under-handed it to Gigi. She yelped, but Frank stepped in and caught it.
“My stars!” he said to Claire. “A woman so supple, yet so brazen around the edges. A fine mistress you doth make!”
Winston walked over to Gigi and gave her a puzzled look. “In the words of Richard III,” he began. “It looks Frank would trade his kingdom for a whore.”
“Um...since when have you started dabbling in Old English plays?” Gigi asked, a bit uneasy.
“Looks like you don’t know me much at all yourself.”
Gigi blushed, either enraged or embarrassed. She left him to stand next to her boyfriend. Then, Frank performed a one-handed throw, landing an inner ring.
“Five points for Shakespeare!” Angus cheered. “Let’s see if Miss Hathaway can cut the mustard.”
Before Frank handed Gigi the ax, she was already tense. He helped her hold it with two hands in a beginner’s stance. “But soft!” he said, as Gigi took aim. “Plant it straight in the heart! Just like I shall soon plant my seed in your womb.”
Flustered and distracted, she heaved the ax for an outer ring.
“Oi, only one point,” Angus declared. “Better hope our last two competitors think off target!”
Jacky grabbed an ax and faced Gigi. “Bro, your boyfriend’s a perv. And so is that chick.”
Jacky pointed straight at Claire. She giggled obnoxiously, flicking her long blonde hair. Jacky rolled his eyes. “God, please bring this lost sheep home,” he quietly prayed. He flung it from over the shoulder, missing the target completely.
“Ah, I can tell you’re fancy a boomerang by the way you throw that bugger!” Angus chuckled. “Our first elimination. Last one, come on down!”
Before Tai could grab his ax, Gigi pulled him aside. “Um, as your fellow wing-woman,” she started, “I suggest you launch the caveman hunting apparatus into the margins for the express purpose of aborting and creating a more intimate scenario with your beloved wave rider.”
Now Tai had grown a little closer with Gigi ever since she matched him up with Jacky. But all he could muster was a blank stare. Gigi leaned in closer. “Lose on purpose so you can be alone with him!” she hissed.
“Oh, got it,” Tai whispered back. “Hey, Gigi? Do ya think I can borrow your room for a bit? There’s no way Jacky can find out I live in a flooded swamp.”
Suddenly, Jacky’s ax boomerang came twirling back around, heading straight for Tai. He jumped to the side with a shriek, watching the ax fly into a tree. “Righteous!” Jacky cheered, running back to fetch it. So with that in mind, Tai took aim and tossed his ax boomerang-style. As intended, it went flying far and wide past the target.
“And Tai and Jacky have been eliminated!” Angus declared. “That means the rest of ya advance to our next challenge. And an impressive performance from the blonde bombshell and Italian stallion, I might add.”
Claire walked up to Frank and slapped his ass. “Looks like we pervs, like, totally got it going on!”
Winston and Gigi stared at each other in shock. But before they knew it, Tai’s ax boomerang came soaring back, nailing the side of Angus’ Volkswagen.
***
“FIX THE FUCKING AC,” growled Evelyn the RA in a low, demonic voice. “I WILL BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND.”
In Sarah and Gigi’s room, Tai and Jacky had taken shelter from this emo demon, who was now stomping up and down the hallway. Sure enough, the AC was broken again. And after Tai had escorted Jacky up seven flights of stairs to “his” room, they’d found it virtually impossible to stop sweating.
“So let’s dive into Genesis 5 where we left off,” Jacky suggested, as they sat together on the futon. “It’s a little gnarly since it’s all genealogy. We’ll have to quiz each other when we’re done so we make sure we got it down pat!”
Jacky cracked open the bible, just as Evelyn screamed from the hallway. They rushed to the door and peeked out. Evelyn had let down her jet-black hair and had smeared mascara on her, sweating pale face. She locked eyes with the two young men. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” the demon within her tremored.
They quickly shut the door and got back to their bible study. “Well...anyway, this is the written account of Adam’s family line,” Jacky read. “Basically, this is gonna be a righteous heck-ton of funky names to remember. My youth pastor showed me an easy way to memorize them, where-”
Death metal blared in the hallway. Over the heavy muted guitar and the rapid-fire double bass, Evelyn released a primal roar.
“So yeah, an easy way to memorize the names is word association!” the sweating Jacky yelled over the screeching guitar solo. “For example, take Adam and Seth, who-”
“EVERYBODY BREAK SHIT,” Evelyn screamed, as the deafening breakdown began. Tai rushed to the door and peeked out again. This time, she was breaking off a long fluorescent light tube from the ceiling. Several of her female hallmates observed like visitors at a zoo. Evelyn reared back and smashed the wall, shattering the light into pieces.
“All right, bro,” Jacky finally sighed, shutting the bible and standing up. “Look, let’s just go to your actual room.”
“W-what?” Tai stuttered, closing the door.
“Come on brochacho,” Jacky said, slicking back his long blonde hair. “You think I didn’t catch on? There are the female girls in the hallway with the female devil incarnate. Not to mention the…dreadful taste in bedroom decor in whoever’s room this is. Come on, man. I wanna see the real you.”
They stared into each other's' cool grey eyes. Finally, Tai nodded and reached out to shake on it. Instead, Jacky held his hand and interlocked his fingers. They sneaked out into the hallway, and Jacky led the way to Tai’s room.
“H-how do you know where we’re going?” Tai asked.
“I’m your mailman,” Jacky answered, giving his hand a squeeze. “I know a lot more about you than you think. Heck, don’t even get me started on your roommate’s male enhancement subscription.”
As they descended the stairs, a herd of female students tried to restrain the spawn of Satan in the hall.
***
“Next up is the zip-line races!” Angus announced.
He drove the four competitors deep into the Pisgah National Forest with the ax still lodged in the van. He slowed to a stop in a green, tranquil meadow where sunlight peeked through the treetops. There, two huge zip-lines ran from the tops of starting platforms, all the way to a platform on the far side of the clearing.
Angus passed out a few safety harnesses, and everyone suited up. “Mine’s, like, a little too big!” Claire whined. “Gigi, you should totally trade with me since you have a tad more cushion for the pushin’! Hey, at least your boobs are smaller than mine! That, like, must be so convenient.”
Gigi ignored her, hooking herself to the lane behind Winston. Claire attached herself to the lane behind Frank. And Angus began the long walk toward the finish line platform. Now out of earshot, both groups began climbing the long rope ladders up to their platforms. Winston purposefully took his time. Halfway up the ladder, Winston stopped and looked down at Gigi.
“Hey, I know I’m being stubborn,” Winston said. “But I really wanna talk to you, if you’ll have me. Just give me a chance to explain-"
“She’s a total bitch!” Gigi hissed, surprising even herself. “If you’re dating her, we’re no longer friends.”
Frustrated and torn, Winston sighed. “Right. I reckon actions speak louder than words anyway.” He reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a mini can of WD-40. Then, he proceeded to spray the shit out of both of their zip-line hooks.
“W-what the hell is wrong with you?” Gigi exclaimed, choking on the fumes.
“WD-40 is God’s lubricant,” Winston explained. “Now we’ll have a little speed boost when we race ‘em. Sorry, buddy, but I need us both to win so we have some alone time to sort things out.”
“You’re being absolutely ridiculous!” Gigi said, flabbergasted.
“I realize that. So I reckon I’ll make you an offer. When it’s me versus you at the finals, I’ll let you win so you get the Lazy Basil gift card. Deal?”
Suddenly, Gigi’s big, brown eyes shot open and her countenance sang a different tune. Lazy Basil was the finest Italian restaurant in all of Asheville - maybe all of North Carolina. And Frank would not be cooking her an Italian dinner until this Friday. After tasting a little bit of chocolate every day to prepare her body for cheese, she could not wait a day longer.
“Pray tell!” Frank suddenly yelled, looking down from his platform at the stragglers. “Art thou stuck on the ladder, Sir Winston? Mayhaps we require usage of a construction crane to haul up your portly frame.”
Winston grunted, then spat on the ground. “So what was that you were saying about my girlfriend being a bitch?” Winston asked Gigi.
Reaching the top of the ladder, Winston and Gigi stepped onto the platform. A perfect view of the bright green hemlock trees of the Pisgah National Forest. From the finish line platform, Angus pumped his fist. “Let’s get these wagon wheels a’rollin’!” his voice echoed across the forest. “Fellas up first!”
Winston made the mistake of looking down at the endless ocean of treetops. Stomach lurching, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then, hands trembling, he moved his greased-up zip-line hook to the starting position.
Gigi tapped his shoulder. “Are you...afraid of heights?” she asked, more like a mother than a caring friend.
A sudden breeze caused their platform to sway ever-so-slightly. Winston hunched over and vomited his morning screwdriver into a nest of endangered birds. He wiped his mouth and looked up at Frank’s shit-eating grin. Winston simultaneously flicked him off while giving Angus a thumbs up.
“Ah, we’ve got ourselves a fighter!” Angus called out. “Ready. Set. Go!”
Winston and Frank kicked off their platforms, soaring over the forest. Sure enough, his WD-40 hack gave him the extra acceleration he needed. He held a clear lead over Frank as Angus’ platform grew closer and closer. Not even Frank’s Italian expletives could stop him.
“Wiiinston wins!” Angus cheered, as Winston whizzed up to the platform. And only a split-second later, Frank came in hot, landing gracefully.
“I underestimated thy aerodynamic stature!” Frank admitted. “Mayhaps I too require an uptick in fine American cuisine, say steak and potatoes?”
Back at the starting line, Gigi grabbed her hook and slid it into a starting position. She looked up at her hands, now slick with grease.
“I’m, like, totally sorry about being so rude earlier,” Claire said, making a pouting face. “Look, if you let me win, you get to leave class early with Frank, and I can have the gift card! And not to be totally awkward, but I think you could, like, have a super-hot figure without that Italian food in your diet.”
Two minutes later.
“Gigi wins!” Angus cheered, as she came careening to the finish line. A split second later, Claire came flying by - seething.
“Like, it’s totally not fair!” Claire cried, stomping her feet. “Gigi, like, totally called me a hashtag raging thundercunt! It, like-like-like-like-like, totally distracted me from the race!” Again, more crocodile tears while Claire buried her face in Winston’s shoulder.
“Woe is me!” Frank cried out, grabbing her shoulders. “Oh, the humanity! Alas, say you did no such thing!”
“There, there,” Winston said nonchalantly, patting Claire’s head like a dog. “I’m sure it ain’t that serious.”
Angus covered his mouth. “Oi, Miss Gigi: did you in fact call Lady Claire a raging thundercunt?”
Gigi politely crossed her hands in front of her waist, her messy black hair cascading over her pale face. And then: a tell-all smile.
“Well, you know we handle potty-mouths in Australia, right?” Angus asked. “We fuckin’ celebrate ‘em! And as for sore losers? We make ‘em walk the plank!”
Angus shoved Claire and Frank off the platform. They screamed until the cable pulled taut, leaving them dangling in midair.
“Congratulations, ya raging thundercunts!” Angus said to Winston and Gigi. “Now off to the finals we go. And doncha’ worry, ya blimey losers. My teaching assistant will come get ya down and give ya a comfy ride straight back to campus!”
Winston and Gigi climbed down the ladder and followed Angus out of the woods, leaving Frank and Claire as dinner for vultures. When the two were alone, Claire kicked off her tennis shoes and stretched out, showing off her flat stomach.
“I, like, always thought I had sex in every possible position!” Claire reflected. “Well, except for the Amazon position, since my fraternity forbids it. Awwwkward! But I’ve, like, totally never had sex in midair. Should we try it, Frank?”
***
It was a manic scene in the 700 Hall of Firewater. Hesitant to get the police involved, Evelyn’s roommates were in the process of summoning a Catholic priest to perform an exorcism. But she was no longer Tai and Jacky’s concern. The muffled screams, crashes, and bangs faded in the distance as the two guys entered the 300 Hall.
“We’re actually...not supposed to be here,” Tai cautioned, placing his hand on the doorknob to his room.
“How come, brotherman?” Jacky asked.
“It’s my roommate: Winston. There’s something in there that he doesn’t want me to know about. And he made me promise to not even let any visitors in our room.”
“So did he get it in writing, with a notary standing by?” Jacky joked.
“Pinky swear,” Tai corrected.
“Far out,” Jacky marveled. “That’s some next-level serious business.” Jacky chuckled, slicking his hair back. “So let me ask this about your roommate: would he rather us be in your room, or his sister’s room?”
Tai froze. Finally, he unlocked the door. “Touché.”
The mildew hit them like a freight train. The mattresses, rug, and futon cushion were all gone. Besides that, Jacky was standing in a typical college dorm. A football schedule and Megan Fox poster on Winston’s side. Video game and anime posters on Tai’s side. A dirty microwave and a mini-fridge, probably filled with light beer and leftover Chinese takeout.
Tai sat on the metal futon frame and patted the spot next to him. “So, what if we used flashcards to memorize some of those biblical names? It’s important for me to - WHAAA-!”
Jacky was frantically searching through Winston’s drawers. “Bingo, my man!” He held up the binder and read the spine. “What’s BDE anyway? Does it stand for big...uh, big-penis energy? Sounds like your roomie has some gnarly ego issues.”
Distracting himself, Tai opened the bible in his trembling hands. “So...uh...there’s Shem...Ham...and Japeth, the three sons of-”
Jacky plopped down next to Tai and opened the binder. “Dude! Do you know what this is?”
Tai looked down at pages upon pages of driver’s licenses in card sleeves. Every race, creed, and gender under the sun. And all featured photos that could pass for any young-looking 21-year-old.
Tai and Jacky had just uncovered Beta Delta Epsilon’s secret fake ID operation. Jacky searched through a few pages, and finally pulled out an ID that could pass for Tai. He removed it from the sleeve and placed it in Tai’s shaking hand. Then, he sat on his lap and held up an ID of a tan white guy with blonde hair. “I don’t wanna talk about Shem and Ham, my dude,” Jacky declared. “I wanna talk about our new legal names: Caleb and Demitri.”
“Ah, now I have an actual black guy’s name,” Tai chuckled, forcing a smirk. Suddenly, he slipped his hand up Jacky’s shirt, feeling his rock-hard abs. “I, uh...so do you want to roleplay...Caleb?”
“Not just roleplay, my dude,” Jacky whispered into Tai’s ear, nuzzling his cheek. “I want to help other people roleplay. Dude! What if we stole these fake ID’s and sold them to every underage student on campus? Think of how freaking righteous that money would be!” Tai’s heart raced as Jacky swung his legs over Tai’s waist, straddling him. Jacky ran his lips from his collarbone to his ear.
“That’s...illegal,” Tai moaned softly. “Not to mention a little ungodly.”
“Maybe so,” Jacky said, nibbling his ear. “But I follow God, not the world. Some people don’t know the difference.
“Caleb” and “Dimitri” rolled off the futon, kissing, biting, and scratching each other until the clothes flew off. And little did they know Evelyn was scouring the 300 Hall with a chef’s knife in her hand, searching for them.
***
“The grand finale!” Angus announced. “The rock climbing wall!”
Angus led Winston and Gigi to a huge rock wall on the face of the Pisgah Mountains. This time, there was no cheat code in the world that would work in Winston’s favor. While his upper-body strength toppled that of Gigi, he was simply hauling a much larger load.
“The rumors are true!” Angus chuckled. “There is a 50-dollar Lazy Basil gift card up for grabs for the first one to reach the top.”
He strapped Winston and Gigi to the climbing cables, then took a step back. The trembling Winston glanced over at the cool, confident Gigi. “It looks like it’s just me and you, buddy,” he said. “So, do ya reckon you can tell me what I can do to make things right?”
“Go, go, go!” Angus suddenly shouted.
Gigi, quick and nimble, jumped straight up and grabbed her first hold. With ease, she began traversing the wall like an orangutan. Winston chugged along, contorting his body in awkward positions just to keep from falling.
“Look, Gigi!” Winston called out. “I hate that it’s like this between us. Man, I just wanna know what I can do. Hell, you can have my purple V-neck shirt that you accidentally stole.”
No response still. She worked swiftly and calmly as she approached the halfway point. Winston caught a lucky break, catching some easy holds as he covered a few feet. But there was no way in hell he could match Gigi’s steady pace. Plus, the higher he got, the higher the screwdriver rose in his throat.
Desperate, Winston reached around with one hand and unstrapped his vest.
“Oi, what the fuck are ya doing, mate?” Angus spat from far down below. Winston slipped out of the vest and pushed it to the side. Now, he was climbing freely. Fear coursed through his veins, but so did adrenaline. He used that stress to heave himself up much faster than before. Gigi, now past the halfway point, looked down to see Winston’s pleading eyes looking up at her.
“Gigi, I’m sorry!” Winston yelled. “Look, I...I can’t honestly tell you that I’m sorry for meeting up with Claire at the house. Because I’m not. But fuck, I’m sorry you had to walk in and see it! And...I’m plum-fuckin’ sorry I didn’t consider your feelings for me at the time. I reckon that ship has sailed. But fuck, I don’t wanna lose our friendship over it, Gigi!”
Gigi smiled at Winston for the first time that day. She shut her eyes tightly, fighting to block the tears. When she opened them again, Winston’s white knuckles curled around a tough hold.
“I’m not sure how long I can hold on, partner,” Winston groaned, smiling weakly. Slowly, piss began running down his leg, trickling a long way down to the ground below. Gigi began quickly backtracking, holding her breath.
“Winston,” Gigi consoled him calmly, now by his side. “I need you...I need you to reach out and hold me. Don’t let me go.”
He took a deep breath, then wrapped his arms around Gigi’s slim waist. His legs dangled free, supported only by her. Breathing heavily, Gigi kicked off the rock facing. Slowly, they began to descend.
“My real name is Ji-hye,” she said, as they approached solid ground.
“Ji-hye,” Winston repeated, his heart pounding as he held her in a death grip. “So, uh...why did you wanna tell me that?”
“Um...because we’re friends again!” she cheered, as they reached the bottom.
But before he could release her, Angus yanked his collar and held a hunting knife to his throat. His hair and face were drenched in Winston’s piss. “Oi, I oughta gut you like a fuckin’ fish, ya blimey bastard!”
“Wait, it’s not his fault!” Gigi interjected. “Um...a yellowjacket got caught between his shirt and vest and stung him pretty bad. He’s allergic, so he had no choice but to take it off!”
Angus cocked his head, letting her words marinate like the piss in his hair. Then, a proper belly laugh. He gave Winston a shove and put the knife away. “Yellowjackets?! Why, you Americans and bonafide pussies, that’s what ya are! Oi, you wouldn’t last a second down unda!”
Angus reached in his pocket and pulled out two 50-dollar Lazy Basil gift cards. “Fuck it, take ‘em both. After all, that was a mighty impressive showing of teamwork up there!”
Winston cleared his throat and held his hand up. “Thanks for the offer, Angus. But I’m a proud conservative. And I don’t need no goddamn participation trophies.”
Gigi socked him in the stomach. “Accept the gift card or we’re no longer friends!” she hissed, salivating over her imminent cheese dream.
***
“YOU HAVE SOMETHING I WANT,” the demon growled in the hallway.
Evelyn slowly dragged her chef’s knife across the door of Room 309 - a knife much larger than Angus’. Tai stared out the peephole, then rushed to the futon to grab his bible.
“We need to perform an exorcism ourselves!” Tai suggested, wearing nothing but bright blue boxers with coconut patterns.
“RIghteous idea, my man!” Jacky replied, donning yellow pineapple briefs. “The word of God is an indispensable weapon during the end times that we live in!”
Tai stared out the peephole again. Now, a senile Evelyn gently tapped the door with the tip of her knife. “Hey, uh, Evelyn,” Tai called out softly. “Why don’t we comb through Genesis together? I sure could use your help in memorizing the lineage of Adam!”
“NO BIBLE. I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR INTESTINES!”
Jacky gave a thumbs up from the frame of the futon. “See, it’s working! That’s the devil in her trying to resist. But no man, woman, or spawn of Satan could possibly resist the righteous infallible word of God!”
Tai chuckled, half-nervous and half-relieved. Then, he opened the door halfway. “Welcome to our bible study, Evelyn! So if you would have a seat on our super comfy futon, we can-"
Suddenly, Tai lept behind the door as Evelyn charged through the room with her knife held high. “DIE! DIE! DIE!” she shrieked, heading straight for Jacky. He swiftly rolled under the futon frame, as Evelyn began stabbing through it, aiming for the head.
“Fuck!” Tai screamed, frantically flipping to Genesis 5. “Um, um...let the power of Christ compel you with His holy word! Enoch begat Methuselah, and Methuselah begat Lamech, and Lamech begat Noah!”
“WHY CAN’T I HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE?” Evelyn screamed. While Jacky cowered in a fetal position, she reared back and stabbed a hole in the wall.
“Oh, Evelyyyn?” Sarah Beavers called out, stepping into the room.
Evelyn spun around to face her, tears and mascara running down her face. She dropped the knife. Then, she swiveled her head around the room, dazed and confused.
“Oh...no,” Evelyn whispered in her normal voice. “Sarah, I did something bad, didn’t I?”
“Shush, it’s all gravy,” Sarah assured her, while Tai and Jacky looked at each other in shock. “Boys, let this be a lesson to you. Envy possessed Evelyn today. Not only was she envious of your AC, but also of your totally-rad same-sex relationship.”
Tai and Jacky realized they were still half-naked, and that it was too late to hide it. Evelyn, moaning softly, crawled over to Sarah and lay her head on her lap. Then, she began playing with Sarah’s dangling dreadlocks. “Now, now - no touchy-feely of the genitals,” Sarah politely warned her. “An asexual chick like myself ain’t no lamp in a corner, ya dig?”
Then, Sarah spotted the BDE binder on Tai’s desk. Cocking her head to the side, she slowly stood up to take a closer look.
“Shit,” Tai whispered to Jacky. “What do we do?”
“We can’t let her know about our operation,” Jacky whispered back.
“So, if my inner chi serves me well,” Sarah began, flipping through the pages. “You two plan on stealing Beta Delta Epsilon's fake ID collection from Winston, in a grand scheme to sell them to underage students?”
“What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?” Jacky whispered to Tai. “A psychic hippie? What kind of friends are you rolling with, bro?”
“I can hear you,” Sarah advised. She sat down next to Evelyn and slipped out an ID of a brunette hipster girl with straight hair. “It’s a crying shame that Winston didn’t think to include any white girls with dreadlocks. Simple-minded if you ask me. Oh! Evelyn, I found an ID just for you. See, she looks just like the chick from The Ring.”
“I will eat your soul,” Evelyn said in her normal voice. Suddenly, she pinned Sarah down and started tickling the hell out of her.
“Wait, so you’re not mad?” Tai asked Sarah, watching Evelyn win the completely non-sexual “game.”
Sarah caught her breath from her massive tickle-fit. Then, she snapped the binder shut. “Mad? Are you high? I’m a broke college student too. As a matter of fact, if you’re going to be making crazy money, I want in on it too. Evelyn and I both want in. And nobody, I mean nobody, breathes a word of this to my brother.”
***
Nine outgoing calls. Zero incoming calls.
Gigi slipped her phone back into her purse, fighting the urge to make it 10. On that windy night, she stood in downtown Asheville in front of Lazy Basil, waiting for Frank to fall from the sky. She was dressed up in a black polka-dot maxi dress with a white bow in her hair, knowing that she would be turned away for so much as thinking about blue jeans.
She grabbed a menu and read through the appetizers. Tempura Fried Calamari? Maybe. Chunky Spinach and Artichoke Dip? Eh. And then, her big brown eyes widened when she saw it. Caprese salad: fresh buffalo mozzarella topped with local organic tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, and fresh basil leaves from our herb garden.
“So he stood ya up, huh?”
Winston leaned against the streetlight in a black suit and tie. He took a final puff on his cigar, tossed it, then walked over to Gigi to read her menu. And like always, the smell of tobacco was masked by Winston’s signature sandalwood cologne.
“I can’t decide if I want the loaded macaroni and cheese,” Winston pondered, “or the fried cheese logs with marinara. Hey, ya reckon we could order one of each and share?”
Gigi wiped drool from the side of her mouth and came to her senses. “Um...wait, you’re not here for a date with Claire?”
Winston took out his phone and showed her the screen. Sixty-eight outgoing calls. Zero incoming calls. “Reckon I should try to call her one last time?” he asked with a grin. “I mean, I don’t wanna come off like a simp or nothin’.”
Fifteen minutes later, they were seated at a candlelit table for two. While they sipped on large glasses of red Moscato, Gigi explained her lactose intolerance and Frank’s plans to introduce her to cheese for the first time.
“So let me get this straight,” Winston said, leaning in. “You consider this cheating on your boyfriend, don’t you?”
“Um...well, it has nothing to do with you!” Gigi laughed nervously. “It’s...well, it’s cheating if I eat that.”
The waiter came over with a platter of Caprese salad and a refill of red wine. Winston picked up a soft, fluffy cheese disc and tore it in half. “I’m not a betting man. But I wager if your boyfriend wanted to have dinner with you, he’d be the one sitting across from ya.”
Gigi stared into Winston’s pale blue eyes, then at the mozzarella. Slowly, she reached out and placed it on her tongue. Then, she closed her eyes as the creamy, silky flavor graced her palate. She swallowed, then grabbed another, shoving the whole disc in her mouth. Satisfied, Winston pushed the plate toward her. Then, he took out his phone and turned on the camera.
“Here’s to Gigi’s first dairy experience,” he announced, taking a photo. “And, I reckon, the moment before one of her many trips to the bathroom.”
She gasped, tossing her dinner napkin at him. They laughed, garnering the attention of a couple of older, quieter patrons. But Winston and Gigi lived in their own world, sipping refill after refill of wine as she alone cleaned that plate. Before long, the waiter returned with fried mozzarella logs for Winston and loaded macaroni and cheese for Gigi.
“So, all jokes aside,” Gigi started. She leaned forward, the candlelight casting a golden glow on her grinning, pale face. “In your old YouTube days...how long would it take you to eat everything on this table?”
“Son of a bitch!” Winston laughed, dunking a log into his marinara. “I knew my sister told ya about my eating channel! How much of it did you get around to watching?”
“Oh, you don’t want to know!” Gigi giggled, taking her first-ever bite of mac and cheese.
And while the two loyal friends shared stories and cheese dishes, their other friends betrayed loyalty that night. Sarah, Tai, Evelyn, and Jacky used Winston’s fake IDs to bar crawl all over downtown Asheville. And Claire sneaked Frank into the Beta Delta Epsilon frat house, where they rolled in the sheets all night long.
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2020.08.15 11:40 JerrySeinfeld6969 Like my father always says!

[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]
(Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating lunch)
JERRY: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.
ELAINE: Mm-hm.
JERRY: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-
ELAINE: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me?
JERRY: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing
the laundry?
ELAINE: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention.
KRAMER: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off!
(Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George slowly enters. He's in a melancholy state)
KRAMER: Hey, Georgie.
JERRY AND ELAINE: Hi.
(George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)
JERRY: (To George) What's the matter?
GEORGE: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.
JERRY: "Caught" you? Doing what?
GEORGE: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..
ELAINE: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!
GEORGE: (Nods) Uh-huh.
KRAMER: (Laughing) She caught you?
(Elaine laughs with Kramer)
JERRY: Where?
GEORGE: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed
to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..
JERRY: "Glamour"?
(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)
GEORGE: ..So, one thing lead to another..
JERRY: So, what did she do?
GEORGE: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
KRMAER: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man..
GEORGE: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
JERRY: What did you do?
GEORGE: I zipped up!
ELAINE: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell?
GEORGE: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
ELAINE: No, I guess you couldn't have..
JERRY: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.
ELAINE: (Finishing it off) ..done that.
GEORGE: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.
ELAINE: (Between chuckles) How is she?
GEORGE: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction.
ELAINE: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.
GEORGE: It's not funny, Elaine.
ELAINE: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.
GEORGE: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's
there!"
(Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)
JERRY: "Glamour"?
(Elaine laughs)
GEORGE: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again.
ELAINE: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?
GEORGE: (Definite) All together.
(The next three lines are said at the exact same time)
ELAINE: Oh, gimme a break..
JERRY: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.
KRAMER: Oh, like you're gonna stop?
JERRY AND ELAINE: C'mon..
GEORGE: You don't think I can?
JERRY: No chance.
GEORGE: (Daring) You think you could?
JERRY: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.
GEORGE: Care to make it interesting?
JERRY: Sure, how much?
GEORGE: A hundred dollars.
JERRY: (Pointing) You're on.
KRAMER: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)
JERRY: You?
KRAMER: Yeah.
JERRY: You'll be out before we get the check.
ELAINE: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.
GEORGE AND JERRY: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..
ELAINE: Why?
JERRY: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..
ELAINE: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?
JERRY: Because you're a woman!
ELAINE: So what?
JERRY: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh.
JERRY: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving.
ELAINE: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.
KRAMER: (Making a point) Not everyday.
GEORGE: Alright, look, you want to be in?
ELAINE: Yeah!
GEORGE: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars.
KRAMER: No, a thousand!
ELAINE: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.
GEORGE: Alright, you're in for one-fifty.
JERRY: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.
GEORGE: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?
JERRY: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.
KRAMER: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)
(Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out "Yeah!")
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is on the phone with his mother)
GEORGE: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course
I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?!
Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts)
JERRY: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?
GEORGE: (Defensively) Whatever.
(Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it)
JERRY: How is she?
GEORGE: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight.
JERRY: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah?
ELAINE: It's me.
JERRY: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door)
GEORGE: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
JERRY: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.
GEORGE: Oh, the virgin?
JERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
JERRY: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
(Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)
KRAMER: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street.
(George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)
JERRY: Where?
KRAMER: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left?
GEORGE: (In awe) Wow!
JERRY: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!
(All eyes are glued to the woman)
GEORGE: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people..
KRAMER: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him)
JERRY: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?
GEORGE: I would imagine it's all naked.
JERRY: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?
GEORGE: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE: Hey.
JERRY AND GEORGE: (Only turning back for a second) Hey.
ELAINE: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?
JERRY: (Over his shoulder) Not me.
GEORGE: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me.
ELAINE: What're you looking at?
JERRY: There's a naked woman across the street.
ELAINE: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics
class. I'm gonna go tonight.
JERRY: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
ELAINE: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin'
to Mars.
JERRY: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.
GEORGE: Have a good time.
(Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, and slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)
KRAMER: (Declaring) I'm out!
(Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's mouth is open in shock. A moment passes)
ELAINE: What?!
KRAMER: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
GEORGE: You're out?!
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what?
ELAINE: Well, that was fast!
JERRY: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door
behind him)
(Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)
ELAINE: ..And then there were three.
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Hospital room]
(Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair, is visiting her)
ELAINE: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find
my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
GEORGE: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.
ESTELLE: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.
GEORGE: Ma, people can hear you.
ESTELLE: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of
people could watch you! You could be a big star!
GEORGE: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!
ESTELLE: I want you to go see a psychiatrist.
GEORGE: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!
ESTELLE: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?
GEORGE: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to.
ESTELLE: I want you to go see somebody.
GEORGE: Well, I am not going.
ESTELLE: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.
(George's cousin, Shelly, enters)
SHELLY: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen?
GEORGE: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?!
(On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a shapely nurse can be seen entering)
NURSE: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath.
(The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen)
DENISE: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep.
(The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is visibly affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through the curtain)
SHELLY: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing?
GEORGE: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television.
(The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)
NURSE: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head..
DENISE: Oh.. thank you.
SHELLY: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized)
What is it you're doing, exactly?
(A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin)
ESTELLE: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!
(Scene ends)
[Setting: New York Health Club]
(Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking with her friend, Joyce)
JOYCE: So, when was the last time you took a class?
ELAINE: Oh, it's been a while.
JOYCE: (Overly excited) Are you psyched?
ELAINE: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched.
JOYCE: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.
ELAINE: Why is that?
JOYCE: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?
(Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless, she turns back to her friend)
ELAINE: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!
JOYCE: He's gonna be in your class today.
ELAINE: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?!
JOYCE: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.
ELAINE: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's car]
(Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out. After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)
MARLA: Let's slow it down a little.
JERRY: "Slow it down"?
MARLA: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know..
JERRY: Ah, yeah.. I know.
MARLA: You're okay with that, right?
JERRY: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't
care about that.
MARLA: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?
JERRY: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.
MARLA: Alright, then. Good night.
JERRY: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]
(Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable to get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide awake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to
Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The scene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep)
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters)
KRAMER: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!
JERRY: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning.
KRAMER: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)
JERRY: She's not there. She's doin' her wash.
KRAMER: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night?
JERRY: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did!
KRAMER: So, you're still master of your domain.
JERRY: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and
I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!
KRAMER: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?
JERRY: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in
this contest - something's gotta give!
KRAMER: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to
stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.
JERRY: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.
KRAMER: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our
bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a
noise) throw it away?!
JERRY: Look, I'm sorry-
KRAMER: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.
JERRY: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!
KRAMER: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm
beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!
(A pause as Jerry thinks it over)
JERRY: Alright.. (Takes his coat off)
KRAMER: Yes!
JERRY: ..Alright.
KRAMER: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)
JERRY: She's not there!
KRAMER: Oh, I can wait..
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]
(Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)
JERRY: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
GEORGE: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts.
JERRY: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
GEORGE: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..
(Jerry nods)
JERRY: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain?
GEORGE: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You?
JERRY: Lord of the manor.
(Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry)
ELAINE: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!
JERRY: What?
ELAINE: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.
JERRY: Really? Did you talk to him?
ELAINE: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at
the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout."
GEORGE: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
ELAINE: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."
JERRY: (Adding, fake praise) Good one.
ELAINE: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and
talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?"
And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior
we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he
dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her
forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..
JERRY: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
ELAINE: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth)
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Estelle's hospital room]
(George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his watch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)
ESTELLE: You're back.
GEORGE: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit.
ESTELLE: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.
GEORGE: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you?
ESTELLE: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a
sandwich..
GEORGE: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation)
ESTELLE: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
GEORGE: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
ESTELLE: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!
GEORGE: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
ESTELLE: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
GEORGE: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.
ESTELLE: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came.
(Nurse enters)
NURSE: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath.
(George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on the divider)
ESTELLE: George.. I'm huuunnnggry!
GEORGE: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on..
(Scene ends)
[Setting: New York Health Club]
(Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously looking around for JFK Jr.)
JOYCE: Hi!
ELAINE: Hi.
JOYCE: Did you get your hair done today?
ELAINE: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath)
JOYCE: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.
ELAINE: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression?
JOYCE: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away)
(Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her direction)
ELAINE: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!
JOYCE: (Uneasy) He asked about you.
ELAINE: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say?
JOYCE: He wanted to know your situation.
ELAINE: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation?
JOYCE: I-I told him you were single.
ELAINE: That was good. That was very good.
JOYCE: He said you were just his type.
ELAINE: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me.
JOYCE: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to
come down and say hello.
(Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother, watching TV)
JERRY: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent,
wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up)
KRAMER: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at
Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..
JERRY: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The
wheels on the bus..
(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)
KRAMER: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..
(Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions, trying to over ride the other)
(Scene ends)
[Setting: George's room]
(George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to Jerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. Scene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light.
The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next scene, she's sound asleep too)
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the lack of sex)
GEORGE: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?
JERRY: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!
ELAINE: (Through intercom) It's Elaine.
JERRY: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)
GEORGE: Where did you get those socks?
JERRY: I don't know.
GEORGE: I think those are my socks!
JERRY: How are these your socks?!
GEORGE: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to
have them!
GEORGE: Yeah, well, they're my socks!
JERRY: They're my socks!
(A brief moment passes as they look at each other)
GEORGE: Oh boy..
JERRY: What are we doing here..
GEORGE: ..Oh boy.
JERRY: This is ridiculous.
GEORGE: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.
JERRY: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
GEORGE: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.
(Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)
ELAINE: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up)
GEORGE: (Shocked) You caved?!
JERRY: It's over?
GEORGE: You're out?
JERRY: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.
(Elaine sets the bills down on the counter)
GEORGE: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.
JERRY: What happened?
ELAINE: It was..uh.. John-John.
JERRY AND GEORGE: Ohhhhh.. John-John.
JERRY: But you made it through the day before.
ELAINE: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.
JERRY: Why outside here?
ELAINE: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.
(George picks up the money, counting it)
JERRY: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me.
GEORGE: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two.
ELAINE: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)
MARLA: Let's go in the bedroom.
JERRY: Really?
MARLA: Yes.
JERRY: You sure?
MARLA: Yes.
JERRY: You really want to?
MARLA: I do. I'm ready.
JERRY: Okay..
MARLA: I know how difficult this must have been for you.
JERRY: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it.
(They both laugh slightly)
MARLA: What do you mean?
JERRY: Well, it's kinda silly, but..
(Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She checks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, obviously upset, is putting her coat
on)
MARLA: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?
JERRY: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-
MARLA: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.
(She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in his chair, staring at the woman)
(Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying to hail a taxi)
ELAINE: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-
MARLA: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible.
Horrible! All of you!
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
ELAINE: What happened?
JERRY: I told her about the contest.
ELAINE: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.
(George enters)
GEORGE: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened?
ELAINE: What?
GEORGE: I thought you were meeting Kennedy.
ELAINE: (Let down) He didn't show.
GEORGE: Yeah, he did.
ELAINE: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go..
GEORGE: No, no, no. He just left.
ELAINE: What?
GEORGE: Yeah, he was talking to Marla.
JERRY: Marla?
GEORGE: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away.
ELAINE: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?
GEORGE: Yeah.
ELAINE: They drove away?
GEORGE: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-
JERRY: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!
(All three crowd around the window)
ELAINE: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?
GEORGE: Kramer?!
(A brief pause)
ELAINE: He's waving..
(All three wave back)
(Scene ends)
[Setting: Elaine's bedroom]
(Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist - both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's
bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)
MARLA: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..
(Scene ends)
END OF SHOW.
submitted by JerrySeinfeld6969 to teenagers [link] [comments]


2020.08.03 20:24 allnightblue Husband is averse to touch & I'm starved for touch (and good sex)

Hi. I'm new here and feel so much less alone after reading many of your stories, though I'm sorry we all find ourselves here.
I (HL/F/46) have been with my husband (LL/M/51) for 20 years, married for 13, with a DB for the past 10 years at least (sex every three to four months). My husband has always been averse to touch, though it wasn't as bad when we were younger and he was hornier and we were having regular sex. (I think I got some touch needs met that way, that aren't being met now, and NRE made our sex pretty decent.)
I always thought his touch aversion would get better over time as he got more comfortable with me, but it's only gotten worse. We almost never touch, other than a maybe once-a-week perfunctory hug or peck on the lips. We haven't made out in forever. God, I miss that. I learned early on that touching him would make him flinch or stiffen (not in the good way) and he never seemed to have any interest in exploring my body or touching me in the way other partners have in the past. I felt awkward/rejected, so withdrew from him in many ways. When we do have sex, it's scheduled, always the same and I don't enjoy it much. We both orgasm, usually, but there's no passion or real intimacy.
We're one of those couples who look great on paper, from the outside. We have fun together, we make each other laugh, we have a cute house we've fixed up together, it's filled with art we found on trips to interesting places. We both love animals and have several rescue pets. We're super compatible in many ways, and I love his creativity and think he's the funniest person I ever met (he still cracks me up all the time, it's one of my favorite things). I would consider us to be good friends, and we enjoy each others' company.
Red flags, porn and our history with sex
Right after we started dating and had sex for the first time, he tried to break up with me because he was "freaked out" and he told me he had a history of ditching relationships quickly due to fear. He had a lot of hangups and awkwardness about sex and was a virgin until his mid-20s. When we first started dating, I did things like getting lingerie (he told me it didn't do anything for him) and offering him massages (but he said he doesn't like massages from people who aren't trained in massage.) These were things past BFs had liked, but I know everyone's different, so I asked him what he liked. He told me about something an ex had done during sex that really turned him on, so I tried that but he freaked out and didn't like it said it was only good that one time in the moment.
After we bought a house and moved in together after three years of dating, I found out he was looking at porn and masturbating daily. He often didn't want to have sex with me, he lied about stopping porn, and our sex life didn't improve. After a few huge fights, I stopped bringing up his choosing porn over me and just tried to ignore it. I also stopped initiating sex after getting rejected a fair amount.
Around that time, he got diagnosed with depression and went on antidepressants, which made matters worse. He has also had and dealt with a drinking problem, which is no longer an issue but did distract from all the other stuff for a long time.
Other than this, our relationship is great?
I would have been one of the people saying "other than this, our relationship is great" until a few weeks ago. But I am admitting to myself now that problems with touch and sex are reflections of other problems in the relationship. For example:
Craving touch and connection
I would say there's a pursuepursued thing going on, but I really don't "pursue" him anymore for affection or sex because my response to feeling rejected is to be like, OK, fine, and shut down. (I do kind of cater to him and try to make life nice for him if that makes any sense ... like I had a migraine the other day and wasn't going to eat and he was going to fry up some meat, and was asking what else there was, and I pointed out something in the fridge but then I couldn't resist making him a really pretty salad. Stuff like that.)
I used to try to talk to him about how physical affection is important to me, but it would lead to a week of perfunctory hugs or pecks on the lips before going back to normal/almost no touch, so I just gave up. To me, that type of physical affection is the touch equivalent of "duty sex" and it's almost worse than nothing because it reminds me of the lack of real affection/touch I crave so badly.
There's something about real affection and warmth that's almost electric. Before COVID, my husband and I ran into this acquaintance of ours, a younger guy who's really sweet. He shook my husband's hand and gave me a "half hug" and I almost got tears in my eyes because it made me remember what it's like to get a real hug from a guy. (I have no sexual attraction to this guy at all, just a little bit touch starved I guess.)
I have an ex-boyfriend who was really warm and loving, and I almost cried recently when I saw his engagement photos on FB ... seeing the way he casually draped his arm over his fiancee's leg or touched her face reminded me of what that was like and how good it felt.
Love (and DBs) in the time of quarantine
A few months ago, I started working on myself and my self-esteem, not because of our relationship, but just for me. I realized for the first time that I've always told myself "if I were just more/less/bettethis or that" maybe things would change. But he's told me from the beginning who he is, and I chose not to listen.
I started getting healthy. I did a Whole30, stopped using food to stuff down sadness or for entertainment, and finally started to really look at my life and realize I'm responsible for my own happiness. I lost 10 pounds. I took up a new hobby and am throwing myself into it, and I'm strengthening my relationships with friends and family from afar.
I realized I've been tuning out my own sexuality to the point I've become LL because the lack of touch and connected sex was so depressing and upsetting to me, and I couldn't disentangle my feelings about sex from all that. I've been getting back in touch with the part of myself that loves sex, that's all my own, and I bought myself a couple of sex toys. I feel actual joy in knowing that part of myself is not dead, at all.
So, what now? I know I'm not going anywhere during quarantine, and we've actually been getting along well since I basically stopped trying to fix things. I don't want to make any definite decisions now about leaving. But deciding that this isn't the way I want to live for the rest of my life feels important and like a huge step.
So, I'd love advice/thoughts on what would be the best way to discuss things with him? What should I say/not say? Our pattern has been that one of us will feel bad we haven't had sex in forever, and will bring it up and we'll "schedule" sex. As I mentioned, I don't enjoy it at all (it's rote/the exact same every time and he has ED issues now that happen some but not all of the time ... he has talked about getting Viagra but hadn't done it). I just don't want to have unenjoyable, rote sex anymore after months of not being touched at all. From having read in here, it seems like "taking sex off the table" gets brought up a lot in situations where the sex is not enjoyable. So do I start a conversation about this now? Or wait to see if suggests scheduling sex? (It's been at least three months if not four.) Not say anything? I basically want time with no pressure to focus on myself and figure things out over the next few months.
Thanks for reading and for any advice or suggestions. And sorry this was so long.
TLDR: We've been together 20 years, married 13, DB for 10. He has an aversion to touch and almost never touches me except for an occasional perfunctory hug or peck on the lips. We have a number of issues (communication problems, porn addiction on his part, angeanxiety issues on my part, self-centeredness/not wanting to put in effort) that contribute to the problem. We have unenjoyable sex every three months and I've decided I really don't want to anymore. We have fun together and enjoy each others' company aside from this, and I'm not going anywhere during quarantine and not sure if I should have another "talk" with him or what to say/do given that we're probably going to be in the same house for a little while.
submitted by allnightblue to DeadBedrooms [link] [comments]


2020.06.23 22:38 AttriceBella Just Shy of Six Months Hurting a Lifetime's Worth

I'm about 34 days out from the breakup and am looking for a postmortem or some outsider perspective to help me move on because I'm struggling. Please, please bear with me as I do my best to tell our story:
ACT 1
We met the week of Thanksgiving last year. The following three months we casually dated were full of high's and low's, but I gave him a lot of leeway because he was moving the following summer. He was a temp, I told myself. Yet I gave him more energy and heart than I normally would a temp because he was a veteran who'd been deployed to Afghanistan. He would invite me over after he'd gotten drunk and then had full on PTSD episodes in bed with me. He'd cry hysterically, talk about how he almost died and wish he had, violently swing his arms to where I'd ask him to stop before he accidentally hit me, shrug me off him in a rude way that made me ask if he wanted me to leave (he'd always say no when I asked if he wanted me to), etc. It was a lot to deal with from someone I had only known for a month by that point, but I felt like I was the right person to be there for him because of my own family tradition of service and work with veterans issues in my career. There were times where he'd get drunk and tell me he loved me, get quiet when I didn't say it back, then say "you know what I mean." I didn't, but I could feel myself falling for him. As we laid in bed, he'd ask me what I wanted, what I would do if my boyfriend had to move to a foreign country, etc. He would pressure me to tell him whether I was sleeping with anyone else. I had, but given his emotional volatility, I wasn't about to tell him that, nor did I want to know if he had. So I would say that we should keep it out of sight out of mind unless we agreed to exclusivity. In the next weeks, he left town for Christmas with his family without saying a word to me about when, then text me asking me how his "dirty little slut" was. That was the first time I stopped talking to him. Apparently he'd done that drunk and profusely apologized to me in the next week, called me on speaker with his mom, almost always drunk, and so I thought that maybe we were going somewhere (fool me once).
We met again on New Years Day and proceeded to see each other once a week through January. He'd ask me to see him twice a week sometimes. I kept telling myself he was a temp and not to fall to hard, but I couldn't help it. He made me laugh. He was a gentleman when we were out together. But I noticed he would mention his exes a lot, sharing random facts about what they liked, what they used to cook for him, that one had amazing tits who he'd also given the key to his apartment to, etc. On one cab ride home after a lovely day out together where I helped him pick a cologne, he shared that the girl he was seeing right before me had been texting again. I couldn't tell what he was trying to do with that, but I let it go at the time. We'd made plans for him to join me for lunch in the middle of my work day (he was only a student done by noon on weekdays so had ample time), but he ended up flaking an hour before. Despite all this, I soon became certain of one thing: I didn't want to sleep with anyone else anymore. I'd gotten offers from longtime FWB and I began to feel guilty at the thought of accepting them. So I went to him with these thoughts, believing that the deep and emotional, albeit one-sided, conversations we'd previously had meant it was safe for me to engage in one. He'd told me he loved me for Christ's sake and I didn't run for the hills. Sadly, I was wrong. I said I was feeling like I didn't want to sleep with anyone else but didn't want to say no to anyone else if he didn't feel the same. He claimed he didn't know what to say and that he had no idea I felt this way. How, I wondered, when he had made such profound statements to me? I was offended, but again gave him leeway on the grounds that he was a temp. Then came Super Bowl Sunday. I'd been with him the Saturday morning before and he asked me if I wanted to watch with him with the caveat that we have healthy snacks. I was excited to be asked and said of course, that I'd look up recipes to make for us. Minutes before the game was set to start that Sunday, though, I hadn't heard from him. So I asked if he'd decided against my invite. He responded that he was actually going to watch with a friend and he was sorry. I just started crying. I'd let his ridiculous response to my inquiry into being exclusive and saw him again and he couldn't even do me the courtesy of not standing me up? I told him to enjoy the show with whatever girl he was going to be watching with after all. He claimed there was none. Let the record show he claimed that he was watching at the house of a couple of his friends who had a baby (this comes back up later). Suffice to say, February 2, 2020 was the second time I stopped talking to him.
I relented a week later because he text me pretty much every day, which made me think he was really sorry and that I had overreacted, and for the sake of having a date for a formal event with friends. We spent Valentine’s weekend together and it was lovely. I felt like something had changed. When I was over at his house the following Wednesday, I went to through something away and saw he had another large heart-shaped box of chocolates like the one he’d given me in his trash can. Was that from a belated Valentine’s date he had to give another girl since I got the actual day and weekend with him, I wondered to myself. Had the change in our relationship I thought felt been wrong? I left without asking any of these things, then got the courage to message and ask if he’d had a belated Valentine’s date, referencing what I saw. He said he had to buy a second to taste test the one he’d given me. While I didn’t quite believe him, I put it out of my mind on the grounds that he was fun and was just a temp, since he was moving that summer. We kept seeing each other accordingly. At the end of February, I had an article written about my career progress by my undergrad school and was named an alumni award winner. He told me he shared the article with friends and family because he was so proud, shared my headshot photos because he wanted to show me off to his friends and brothers. The weekend I got back into town after the award ceremony, March 7, he helped me move to my new apartment by driving the Uhaul I rented. After wrecking the Uhaul in my new building’s garage, he said he had to leave to party with friends (being there when I returned it or to deal with the aftermath of the wreck he caused wasn’t an option, I guess). Still, I offered to drive him home and he accepted. As he went to get off my car, he said he had to tell me something, which scared me. He then proceeded to say that even though he knew I had a life and an amazing job, he wanted me to consider moving with him. "Honey, you didn't even want to be exclusive a few weeks ago," I said. He said something like he'd had time to think and really fell for me. I was so surprised.
That night, he came over to my new apartment and asked me to be his girlfriend. He had been out with the friend who'd he'd supposedly watched the Super Bowl with -- but he said he hadn't seen his baby "in forever". Didn't you see him for the Super Bowl, I asked. He said the wife wouldn't let them see the baby. That didn't make sense, but again, I let it go. Because it would be my first time being anyone's girlfriend in over three years, I was hesitant. I didn't even know big things like if he wanted children, if he'd go to church with me, etc. He said yes when I asked him. So I agreed. And talks of the future, of moving with him that July, of children, of meeting each other's families, etc. proceeded for the next two months--up until the Sunday morning before he ended it.
ACT 2
The weekend after I agreed to be his girlfriend, it was like a switch flipped. We spent that Thurs-Sun together and it was awful. We went shopping for groceries for the first time and I left in near tears. He was just so rude, walking off on me, shrugging me off when I asked if we could wait in my building's lobby for an Uber because it was cold out. It was so bad I shared that I was becoming alarmed that we were forcing something, that it was too soon to be fighting the way we were. He said it was normal, that I was overreacting, that we'd been with each other long enough to have such fights. I tried to tell myself that was true. I went about meeting one of his best friends who was in town from New Jersey. She kept making jokes about him being an asshole (I should've remembered there was truth in comedy then). Quarantine hit the weekend after that and things didn't get better. We fell into a routine of spending all but three days of the week together. I asked him to go with me to the store on a supply run because I was scared given state of the world. He said he would--but never followed through. I ended up going on my own and managed to find a toilet paper and paper towel supply to last longer than our relationship ultimately did. He never paid for them. We'd go to the store when he'd be staying at my house and he'd want to stock up. When we went shopping when I was staying at his house, though, we only bought for dinner and breakfast the next day at the most. He always wanted me to cook for him and I often did even though I wouldn't eat what I was making, mostly cause I wasn't hungry at the time. He didn't care. He would tell me things like his friends said he could do worse than me. I eventually told him that I didn't want to hear that shit again because I'd seen his exes and he had done worse than me. He at one point said if I didn't move with him it was fine because he could just find some big boobed blonde to follow him around (none of his recent exes were big boob blondes so that was apparently just a pathetic pipe dream of his). Still, I waited on him hand and foot. I told myself it was because I was raised the eldest of four, a natural caretaker, whereas he was second to the youngest and the youngest boy. But it got to be more and more apparent that he just didn't consider me the way I considered him, whether it was by finishing the last of something in the house without saying anything, eating more than his fair share, wanting more of me than he was giving, etc.
By April, it got to be that I apparently wanted to have sex more often than he did. I felt rejected and worried about what it meant for our relationship. And then, the ex-files got opened up. He added on me on Facebook. Before I added him, I asked if he had any pictures of him and exes on it because I wanted to keep exes out of sight out of mind. He said he'd deleted them. One day he turned on TV, and his screensaver was a pic of his ex I'd identified on Facebook with a baby. "Oops" he said as he laughed. I didn't think it was funny. Days later, he was showing me pictures of his past travels. I noticed a girl and asked who it was. "My ex" he said. It was a different one that the one he popped up on his TV. To know all the anecdotes he'd previously shared and that he still had pictures of them hurt me. I knew it stemmed from insecurity, I acknowledged that to him, but he said he would erase them anyway. He never did. On Easter, I went out of my way to make us elaborate Easter baskets and a meal for us. I had ordered a shirt he'd seen on one of his favorite comedians and said he wanted while we were watching TV one day as his Easter basket gift--he showed up with two free cd's he'd gotten from vinyls he'd ordered (I had a vinyl player and collection he could've contributed to instead). The next week, I'd brought up why there was picture after picture of his exes on his Facebook, but none of me. So he added one--and then I realized one of the first people to like it was the girl he'd been seeing right before me, who had a key to his place, and who he'd told me had great tits. I was heartbroken by being able to put a name and face to his overshares. I told him I didn't like that they were on each other's social media, so he took her off, which I appreciated and thanked him for. But what was especially triggering was that the type of girl she was, tatted up with a kid by another man, was the same type of woman my ex had cheated on me with. I calmly, although tearfully, tried to explain why the whole thing hurt me more than it would anyone else. He claimed to understand, claimed he'd do everything to reassure me, and then things changed more.
For the first time since we'd started talking, he went MIA from early the previous night to 1PM the next day. I imagined that his ex noticed that he'd removed her off social media, reached out, one thing led to another, and she ended up paying him a visit. I shared this with him when I finally heard from him, calmly, albeit tearfully, and not accusatory. He cried on the phone with me, saying I was everything he wanted in a girl. He'd go on to say that I was his present and future. On the day of our fifth month sexiversary, we had a fight over the fact that I wanted him to stay at my house to work on his homework, with the promise I'd be quiet and leave him be, but he insisted on leaving for four or five hours. The problem really was he was so uncompromising and things had to be his way, when he wanted, like the start of our "official" relationship. He began to raise his voice at me, so I left to take my dog for a walk to let him leave in peace, instead of allowing the fight to continue to escalate. I then got a message from him saying that maybe it would be best if we broke up. It was a week since the ex-files had been causing me heartache, making things a little difficult. I couldn't believe one bad week was all it took for him to want to quit. When I said that, he could only ask "but why is it so hard?" As if I hadn't tried to explain why. I told him the worst thing was that it was supposed to be a happy day of celebrating five months of knowing each other, and that I'd been wanted to tell him I loved him. "Same, but..." he said. I knew it wasn't true though, because love wouldn't mean quitting someone so easily. Panicking, perhaps only because I didn't want to be left alone in quarantine, I began to sob and beg him not to end it. "I'm not breaking up with you," he said.
For the next three weeks, he proceeded to tell me that breaking up needed to be brought up, that he had to share his doubts, but that he was more committed than ever, that I should just forget he ever said anything like that. He got me two t-shirt gifts: one saying [insert military branch] girlfriend and another with a logo from one of the shows we'd binged together. Still, he didn't want to have sex as much. He started saying he needed to watch what he ate and insinuated he couldn't eat like I cooked. I said it was how much he ate of what I cooked that was the problem. "Well I'm bad at self control," he said. I started coming up with healthy alternatives, burgers with no bun, veggies instead of fries, etc. I tried to get him to work out with me, but he was the only person I'd ever met who was more grumpy post-workout than I'd ever seen. On Cinco de Mayo, I went on an early morning supply run to make sure he had a nice, elaborate meal. I made the request of him that we listen to my grandfather's band that I hadn't listened to since he'd passed away while I cooked for him. All he had to do was sit there. Before the CD had even finished, he asked me if he could put on a show. My heart was broken. I had a sinking feeling that this wasn't someone I could spend my life with, who was so inconsiderate of what I said meant so much to me. We then joined the same friends I'd met that first fateful weekend I'd gotten that feeling on a Zoom chat. He proceeded to blow up at me in front of them over a disagreement about how to play an online version of a game. We had a conversation after where I said I was worried because of the way he kept blowing up at me, that it seemed like he didn't like me very much. We brushed it under the rug, though, and kept trying to spend time together. He kept talking about the future and us moving, but I noticed that when he was on the phone with his family, he wouldn't say "we" were coming in July, just him. When I mentioned it to him, he said it was cause they already knew I was coming. Again, I had that sinking feeling. We'd talk about his career plan if I moved with him to his new city. I wouldn't want to have a child abroad, without my mom able to see me or the baby, so he'd have to put in for assignments stateside. He said he was fine with that but might get stationed abroad. I could make my peace with that, I said. The weekend before he came over to my house just to tell me we should end things, we fought because I said I was feeling frustrated by fact we only had sex when he wanted. He said he was trying (but couldn't say how). We slept together for the last time that Sunday morning. After, we talked more about the future. I asked if he'd wait to get a puppy before my dog and I had arrived in the new city in March, so she could get used to her new brother or sister. Because we'd only had two months left in the same city before trying to do long distance, I asked if we could spend an extra day of the week together. He had such an allergic reaction and said he wasn't used to spending so much time with someone, that when he was in Afghanistan, he was all alone in a room. I was heartbroken. He didn't want to be with me, I realized. We parted for our usual Sun-Tues afternoon break and I had the worst feeling I'd ever had. He was messaging like normal, except he wasn't saying when he'd come over on Tues and he wasn't saying he missed me like normal. That Tues morning, I pointed this out. He said he was coming over after his class. Oddly, I recorded myself practicing things I would say if he said he wanted to end it while I waited for him to show up. I just knew.
He finally showed up with his backpack and a bag full of what I thought were his pre-prepared meals. I thought nothing of it. I hugged him and kissed him like normal. He sat down and I offered him a cup of water like I always do, hugged and kissed on him some more. When I finally sat down across from him, I saw he had a face on, so I simply asked "what?" I've been thinking about it a lot and I think we should end things, he said. "Why?" I asked. He proceeded to put it all on me. He started to cry at first but when he noticed I wasn't, stopped. He claimed to be frustrated, that he was scared before every time he came over or I went over to him because he didn't know what he could do or say that would hurt me. I told him he's the one who pointed out we laughed more than fought just days ago and he just stared blankly at me. I laughed saying "you're supposedly scared but does that make you change the way you speak to me?" He just blankly stared at me. I asked him if it was because something had happened with someone else. His eyes shot down to the floor as he rubbed his hands together and said in a wobbly voice, "there's no one else." I laughed and said he couldn't even look me in the eye as he said that. He then repeated it looking at me in the eye, which I couldn't help but scoff at. Turns out, the bag he brought was filled with "my stuff". To him, that meant almost empty body wash and shampoo bottles I'd left in his shower, not the toilet paper or paper towels I found when they were so hard to come by, the beard oil and wash I'd bought him after he cried his was getting so itchy, the yellow ribbon pin my mom had made and sent for me to give to him, the face masks I'd bought for him because the scarves he was trying to wear out to shop would make him sweat profusely, or the shirt I'd put in his Easter basket. I gathered his things, phone charger, the two shirts he gave, one of which I was wearing as he did this, a deodorant he had in my medicine cabinet, and a scarf he'd left. He walked to my front door, turned around and just looked at me. "What?" I asked with my hands on my hips, still not shedding a tear. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry you're a fat ass piece of shit," I said. It just came out. I shut the door and immediately blocked him on all social media. I text him a request for $300 to cover all the food he'd made me buy that previous weekend (it had occurred to me he was letting me pay as some sort of penalty because he was already wanting to end it), half an outfit for a gala I'd no longer be accompanying him to, the paper towels, toilet paper, masks, and half of the Uhaul damage fee (he'd claimed he was going to pay all $300 but as with so many other things never followed through on). The last text I sent him was my CashApp screen name. The last text I got from him was "sent". I haven't reached out or heard from him or check up on him on social media since. The End.
I am hurting because I bought into the idea of a future with him--but this long post doesn't even include all our bad moments. I feel as though he strung me up in a lot of ways just to see if he could get the ego trip of someone who is so accomplished and educated saying they'd give it up to follow him. I feel gaslit into believing it was my fault (he would say I was unlike anyone else he'd been with and that his other girlfriends would "go with the flow") or that I shared too much of my damage (apparently it was only okay for him to act crazy a month in when we were just casual but not okay for me to cry to him when we were official and talking about children). I think about his exes that got further than he let me get with him and it hurts. I have their memories stuck in my head as reminders they're ones he never let me make with him--or wanted to make with me. I'm mad at myself for letting him think he got my hopes up, especially when he'd say things like "can you imagine how pretty our kids would be?". It's all of this that hurts a lifetime's worth even though we were officially together just under three months and I knew him just shy of six. On the other hand, I'm relieved. He never would've made giving up my career or my amazing group of friends in my city worth it. These words from Lady Gaga really : “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”
Please advise.
submitted by AttriceBella to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2020.06.17 22:30 ThirdEyeLifts New to HSV1/2: This is a Guide for Living with Herp

This is my guide and what I have learnt to cope over 12+ years of having both mouth and genital herpes. Take from this as you will, do let me know what you think?
If you can’t look at yourself in the mirror, in the eyes and say “I love you” with meaning, without feeling a sense of unease or awkwardness then read on… Likely hood is, you probably would of felt uneasy saying this anyway, long before you even gained the gift that just keeps on giving….

For those who are here and want to know the lessons I’ve learnt, coping mechanisms, red flags and the ladders I’ve gained to climb out of holes over the last 12 years. Then this is an article for you…it isn’t an answer as there currently isn’t a cure… but it is a personal experience and perhaps some helpful information that may be of use to those new to the members club.

Now you are in the club, congratulations!!! Party streamers and confetti all over the place  you are 1 of 100’s of millions of people who are part of this exclusive club.

Welcome, you are probably wondering a few things... is my life going to be the same? Am I going to ever be accepted by anyone? Will it stay like this for ever? How often will it appear? Can it spread without symptoms? I feel disgusting, I’m embarrassed to let anyone know, how did I get it? I can’t tell my family and friends etc or my future partners. There are many questions you may have and you could be thinking on how to cope… but I will cover these, along with topics on foods, to remedies, to mental coping mechanisms and how to break the news to a new partner.

If you haven’t seen by now or experienced, the most impactful thing about the herp that will stay with you in the long run, if you don’t address it, is your mental state. At first yes, the outbreak is painful but overtime it becomes less and less every year to the point you may have 0 symptoms for months/ years. Realise this, the first thing is acceptance. It may take you a week or 2 months, but after a while you will learn to see it will not go. But what it will do, is allow you to re-evaluate yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. You may be filled with guilt, regret, rage, frustration, lots anxiety and insecurity. Moreover, you’re probably thinking I had those to begin with, but remember we are human beings not human doings, so it is normal to feel those emotions especially on a higher level when you are given the news.

Know this, there is direction and the grass is greener on the other side, should you choose to put in the work and not sit on your thoughts (if you do, it is only going to hurt you more). Everything in your life starts in your mind, 90% of the problems we have as humans start and end in the mind. The mind will affect all of these below as what you do day to day in life will fall into at least 1 or more of these 4 areas:

Your Personal Relationships (romantic, yourself, family and friends)

Your Mentality/Mind ( what you feed it and your thoughts, what you consume)

Your Job/Business (money, career goals)

Your Body (fitness and food consumption)


Where to start?

So, where do you start now you have an unwanted friend?

The key word in that question is friend not unwanted, the reason I say that is, this is a very good tool for yourself awareness, actualization, an indicator of your health, a companion to your intuition and a steering wheel to help you get in the driver’s seat of YOU.

The first thing you need to address is you and as I said before it is acceptance, if you haven’t done that already, then hopefully by the end of this you will have or be on your way.

Virus Basics
Now that you have herp it is good to get a basic understanding of what it actually is, I could list out %’s and numbers but in reality, that isn’t going to help you live with it day to day. So, I will keep this brief…. it comes mainly in two varieties and there are others like Shingles etc, but we will specifically focus on HSV 1 and HSV2. HSV 1 typically effects the mouth and lips giving cold sores and is usually the one everyone gets as a kid from the overly keen Grandma kissing your face or kid contact at pre-school. It tends to live in the nerves in your neck and lower back. This can be passed via oral sex and is very contagious.

Most people will get this or will have contact with someone at some stage in their life who does… if you have had sexual contact with someone or people throughout your life, the likely hood is, you have probably come into contact with it… whether that be an office Christmas party kiss or a full-blown slutty escapade. It does not matter.

HSV 2 is predominantly the type that causes genital herpes, it appears as a small cluster or lesions that can get pretty tender. This is usually transmitted via sexual activity and also lives in the nervous system in the lower back or neck. It is as easily transmittable from one human to another and It can be spread from mother to child through birth. This does not mean giving birth is going to be 100000% worse, there are millions of other health problems that can affect birth, But it is something to be mindful of and isn’t something to get worked up over, and isn’t something to neglect.

Ultimately, both viruses are very similar and can appear at both the mouth and private areas. Symptoms start with an uncomfortable tingle sensation later developing to sore little clusters that can open. The good news here is the first outbreak is always the most painful and over time they become less and less, so the more you look after yourself the even higher chance of suppressing it you have.







The 4 Areas of life:

Now to the 4 areas of life, these are the areas that this little critter can affect and so here is what to watch out for:

The first one I am going to cover is Your Body:

Your Body is very important, as it is the vessel that carries your spirit and it is the thing that taps your keyboard, shakes the hand of people, hugs your family, gets you up in the morning and carries you through till the next chapter. It is very easy to go through life and not look after your body, but when you step back and really look at it, you soon realise how important it is and how often we do take it for granted…

I mean some of people will eat a covered glazed bun with friend chicken stuffed in between it, that has been deep fried in oil, chased down by a highly sugary fatty milk shake, followed by a post meal coffee and cigarette. But they wouldn’t dare put diesel in a petrol car, as they need to look after it, as it gets them from A to B and without it, they’d be fucked. However, not as fucked as they’d be without their body, as that allows them to drive the car and walk! Hopefully you can see what I am trying to say here. Look after your body and it will look after you.

Food: Herp has a spicy reaction to certain foods, certain foods that contain an amino acid called arginine. Arginine tends to help carry the proteins of the virus out and down the nerve endings encouraging break outs. Foods to limit or be wary of that contain high amounts are:

Almonds, pine nuts, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, soybeans, chickpeas, prawns, shell fish, lentils, Oats, Legumes.

Others foods to note that help cause outbreaks and should be moderated: Caffeine, alcohol, sodas, junk food additives, bad quality diary.

Good Foods: Herp doesn’t like food that is high in lysine, another amino acid, this tends to suppress the activity of the virus proteins carried down the nervous system. Foods high in lysine are:

Lysine supplements tablets or powder, lean beef, lean chicken breast, quality diary yoghurt & cheeses, eggs, broccoli, salmon, tuna, avocados, potatoes, pears, strawberries, blueberries, apricots, sardines, spirulina.

Other goods foods to add: Manuka Honey, Epsom Salt, Cranberries and Green tea






Treating the sores on your body: Now here are some of the things I have learnt and have been passed over the years in dealing with herp using home treatments:


The Mouth:

Salt - rinse your mouth 1-3 times a day inside using warm water and salt/Epsom salt. This is a disinfectant and can calm the outbreak pain down. Repeat, until the sores have gone down in the mouth.

Zovirax/ Acyclovir Paste - Acyclovir is an anti-viral and is specifically for fighting cold sores can be applied as per the packet.

Manuka Honey - This can help the healing process of the sore and ease the pain. Also tastes really really good.

The Genitals: I recommend the following that worked for me:

Salt- An Epsom Salt bath for 30min-1 hour, treat yourself with some candles and music if you like. Do this 1-3 times a day on the first initial stages of the outbreak.

Decaffeinate green tea bags – Take a squeezed damp warm green tea bag hold and apply to the sore area for 2-5 minutes. This can be mixed with Manuka Honey (do not put the manuka honey inside you ladies)

Acyclovivalacyclovir tablets - These are a must; this is the first priority before home remedies. Get this online via a recommend health professional and online pharmacist. I use Medexpress.co.uk. take them when you have an outbreak or when one is coming on using the recommended dosage, take these daily with no symptoms as it reduces transmission risk!,. For sure opinion on consistency, speak to your Doctor or GP. I found for me daily use wasn’t great for my gut health , but This is my experience not medical advice.


Last but not Least, EXERCISE: As I implied at the top of this section for Your Body, it is the machine that runs everything for you. You must look after it and you must treat it well. This means keeping it well oiled…

Water: Drink at 2-3 litres a day, make this a habit. By a 2L bottle and drink 2 of these a day from the moment you wake up. Do not touch your phone, drink some water. Water also helps flush out toxins and keeps the body clean, it will keep your mental focus high and generally keep your mood elevated. You will be on top form.

Your brain and body doesn’t get hydration in the night and most of the time you wake up grouchy is because your brain and body want’s water. I will explain later how to deal with the emotional side of the virus in the morning to set the day.


The Gym: Work out 3-5 times a week, there are 24 hrs in a day you only need 1. You can workout at home or in the gym, I recommend get a PT as they keep you accountable and provide you with an actionable plan, so you can get in and out of the gym asap. This not only will give you elevated endorphins throughout the day, it will re-build your mental confidence, teach you discipline, raise your immune system and have you looking and feeling good. Look after your body and do the work… the first month is the hardest, once that is out the way you will feel hungry for more.

Sleep - keep a routine and schedule this, if you are the type of person to wake up whenever. cut that shit out. You need it, to recover from the gym and it is when your body is at its most active to heal, so sleep must be consistent. Take Vitamin tablets before bed and Lysine with a small glass of water.

Special recommendation- CBD oil, this stuff is amazing. It really helps to reduce anxiety, inflammation and reduces pain. It is also cancer fighting, helps the gut and fights the virus symptoms. I take 3000mg oil drops every 2 days, sometimes every day depending on how much I have left.

For the body that is all I can conclude, manage the pain and manage your health. People say you live only once, that is wrong. You live every day and die once. The aim is to live as young as possible. So, look after your health as you are number 1!


The Second one I will cover is Your Mind:

This is probably if not the most important one to look after, as what a lot of people don’t tell you, is that herpes is more of a mentally tough disease than it is physical. Yes, the sores hurt, but they don’t stay around all day every day. What does, is the knowing and shame you try put on yourself and society tries to attach to it, if you don’t address it.

First thing is, it is okay to have a disease, it is okay to feel hurt you are only human, and it is okay to cry. There is nothing wrong with grieving, but you can’t live like that forever. As time goes on you will heal and learn to live with it. But what we don’t want to do is suppress the negative emotions it gives you; we want to manage them. suppressing only leads to subconscious actions and surfacing insecurities later on in life, these can pour into relationships, your job and your mental health.

I will say this, some of the coping skills I use, as a bonus, help all areas of life not just managing the herp… try incorporating some of these into a morning routine after your water, do not touch your phone for comfort. If you feel relaxed on your phone after a worrying or angry thought about herp, you are medicating the pain and hurt you are feeling from getting this disease or life situations, face them head on and make them your bitch. This is also a great opportunity to set up your day and learn the real you! I would say the first 90 days of doing this while you have been diagnosed, stay off all social media, YouTube (Unless mediation guided), Instagram and Facebook for mental sake.

Journaling – If you don’t do this already or you do, don’t overlook it. Try some of these:

Brain Dumping - write out 1-2 pages every morning for the next 3 months of whatever comes to your head for the day ahead and from your dreams. Anything goes. When I mean anything, I mean it. E.g. If you liked the flying space snakes serving you ice cream in your dream, write it out, if the next thought is that bitch Linda who goes on about her kid who doesn’t shut the fuck up about dinosaurs in the office, write it out. ALL THE THOUGHTS UNTILL YOU FEEL SATISFIED.

Feelings - write out how you feel there and then in the present, then trace it back to a memory as far as you can relating to that feeling. Do this 2-4 times a day over the next 3 months… this will give you a real insight into your past and you will start to see emotions and patterns of what your insecurities are and how you are formed by them. It also allows you to become familiar with yourself. I must stress, do this everyday for the rest of your life if you can, you will become a self-ware wizard your intuitive thinking will align with your gut instinct. Its main purpose is so you address and process the emotions while shifting the mental weight as you are healing from the mental pain you took on from having herp. It also allows you to cope in everyday upset and hard times in life.

Write a letter – write a letter to herpes, and tell it how much you are hurting and how much of a bastard you think it is, but also thank it for allowing you to understand yourself and how you can be cautious of who to open up top, only allowing the finest of fellows into your castle. The letter helps accepting herp and forgiving it/yourself, it adds to the process as you become comfortable looking for a genuine person as you will find someone who will truly accept you for you, and the herp doesn’t even matter. When you hit that level, you hit true love and the intimacy is fire, also the sex ;).

Self-love - Write a letter to yourself as well, telling yourself everything you love about yourself. Every morning, every mirror or reflection you see, wake up in the morning and look yourself in the eyes with meaning and tell yourself “ I love you”. Do this until you no longer feel cringey and or uneasy and it makes you smile. One morning it will make you crack a smile and you will see the deeper meaning behind it.. that is the door opening to self-love and your higher self. This will allow you to accept yourself and move forward with the respect and high standards you deserve, you are no less a human than the next.

Meditate - Focus on emptying your mind, one of the best things is guided YouTube meditation on meeting your inner child. Work this thoroughly and add it to your morning and evening routine, learn to go deep as you can and lose your mind and body in separation. DO this after journaling feelings or brain dumping thoughts.

Volunteer – I mean go and help animals, homeless or just something simple with friends like setting up a party. This will give you a sense of being and fulfilment. It shows you are not a hermit, eating and watching Netflix to hide the shame.

Gratitude and thankful list - Every morning and every evening, start and end your day with 5 things you are genuinely grateful or thankful for. FEEL them as you write it out, if you can’t it isn’t genuine, write one until you do. It should leave you with a smile…This allows you to see there is more to life than herp and it really isn’t that bigger deal.

Reading - Read a positive book or self-help book, not money orientated. Something that expands your consciousness and you are drawn too. This will help you understand you are not the stories you tell yourself. Books:

Eckhart Tolle- Power of Now

As a man thinketh – James Allen

re-wire your brain - Dr Joseph Dispenza


Technology - It is perhaps ironic I write this while you read on a device, but this I something I highly recommend and that is limiting your use of social media and what you consume. An easy question to ask yourself before you watch a screen is, does this add value to my life? If it doesn’t you know the action to take… I talk about technology as this goes hand in hand with mental health and if you are trying to address the acceptance of self and healing of getting herp you will only want to nourish your brain with what elevates you… you see no matter what you watch or listen too or read, no matter how much you don’t agree or don’t think it will impact you, it will. Your subconscious mind is dissecting anything and everything you consume whether you like it or not. Also, getting away from technology will help you with your true self, we use technology to sedate and subconsciously mediate the things we need to work on. If you put the phone down see how long it take for you to reach for it? It’s a co-dependence we have built. In order to become settled and accepting with herp you can either go through the burying of trauma and regret like I did, or you can give yourself the quickest chance of being a fulfilled person. The good thing about addressing yourself for herp is, you will also learn a lot about you as a person and can start working to mend any trauma you had prior! If you are healing self, you might as well do the whole thing and not leave the cake half-baked right? Put down the phone and Netflix and write out 5 things you enjoy or like the idea of and do it, you will be surprised with how quickly that builds your ‘not give a fuck’ gauge of what people think of you. Give it a try, it will help you massively!

Porn - I have put this in here as a lot of people will feel disgusted and think that they can’t get love, so they turn to porn for comfort. That is not healthy at all, I did this, and it fucked with my ability to function in a relationship as I medicated my self-loathing over a herp barrier in my sex life, I thought was huge. It is unrealistic, they don’t show you the cut scenes, the guy telling them to jump into different angles or the porn star in pain from the endless railing and the make-up man. There is no emotional intimacy and it will make you numb/apathetic in your emotions and give struggling ability to connect with another. You are already in a small predicament, don’t add to it.

What would you rather have, the confidence from the above Your Body and Your Mind exercises? Or sitting in the dark with your dick/clit in hand feeling shameful and lonely trying to get off to two (or more lol) people who don’t know you and you don’t even have a real human connection too. Your choice. Pick a real person to know and open up too…. I will write later about the least fearful way to do this. If successful you will have all the sex and fun time.

Porn doesn’t teach you anything before saying that. If you want to learn how to be good in the bedroom, just ask your partner what they like and work as a team with guidance from them and BE PRESENT, do not think about what you saw in porn. It is really that simple. The best sex is comfortable sex with someone who doesn’t mind your weirdness…you will find that as you are a great person and deserve love like everyone, just be true to yourself and show a willingness to your partner. (You are also amazing as you made it this far reading, my first article by the way)

Porn creates a lot more damage than I realised mentally… if you have ever felt emotional or anxiety swings did you ever find yourself a few hours later that day watching porn? hoping to get that rush and dopamine hit to feel a sense of relaxed relief (medicating comfort blanket). Just read up on “your brain on porn” and google how it affects relationships….it is legitimate.

If you feel you need to hide what you are watching from your other half. Then you already know deep down what you need to do.


The Third one is Your Relationships:

This is an important step, as we humans are creatures of love and intimacy. The most crucial relationship you have is with yourself and this defines how you treat and accept others. Love yourself and you can love others, the point of this article is to help you love yourself. By hopefully taking on board most if not all the mental and physical exercises I have mentioned already, you will start to love yourself as you are learning to be yourself.

Here are somethings that I have learnt that may help you, broken down into groups the best way I can:

Friends: First and foremost, it is okay if your closest friend knows and the rest don’t. I have 9 friends I grew up with and talk too regularly and only 4 of them know. 2 are not part of the same group, 1 is my twin brother and the other my closest friend. To your greatest surprise, they don’t really see you any different. It is only what you are telling yourself in your head and you will know off your gut who you can open up too. The reason I mention friends is, you may feel like an island when you first get it and all your friends are talking about their current romances and partners. But know this, your life isn’t any deprived of romance as theirs. When you feel like you need to talk to a friend, do it in a place you feel like you could leave if you wanted too and somewhere comfortable perhaps over casual fast food. This is for YOUR sake not theirs; this takes the impact out of it for you and makes it not such a big deal, which it isn’t. You are merely just opening up to your friend as you want someone you can trust for a bit of comfort. A handful of people is fine, the whole world doesn’t need to know, but those closest you know have a good bone, will make you feel less isolated!

Therapist/Councillor: This doesn’t mean you are at rock bottom or a crazy person, despite what society portrays… If I had known about how little problem you need to speak to one, I’d have done it years ago. The reason I mention a professional like this is, they see way worse situations than yours. The great thing is, you can say whatever you want and about whoever you like without them judging you. They are there for you to pour your heart out too with all your pain and resentments, so they can help dig out the wound, not put a plaster over it with a Netflix or social media binge. See one twice a month or once a week, it will pay dividends into your life and journey in self-acceptance and self-love. It’s a great time to be selfish! This is about you.

Work Colleagues: unless your sleeping with them, they don’t need to know anything. If they joke about herp in a convo at some point. Just laugh and join, joke about it too, so you get comfortable with it. Because in reality they don’t know anything about it and it is not a big deal. If you work in a huge office block, chances are someone else will have it walking around. Imagine it like a super-secret power that only the mightiest of people are selected to have. You’re like Clark Kent, expect you aren’t superman. The reason it is funny to view it as a superpower is you get to selectively cherry pick the finest and highest form of most intimate relationship! (Which always has the best sex and connection). You get to filter who you think is worthy of the cookies and your heart. I detail more of this below.

Romantic Lovers: outside of self-care and acceptance, this is something to take note of seriously. You must always give them a choice, some of us didn’t get a choice and some of the people we got it from didn’t show any signs or know they have it.

When you are getting to know someone, always know sex is just one part of what you are building. I would recommend not jumping into bed with them right away, this is where the filter process comes in.

You are dating someone because you want to have a connection, you want to find love; you want to connect with them emotionally before anything. That means going on dates: I would recommend dates for 2-3 months before breaking the news… In this time go on dates outside of your house or theirs. With at least 2-3 dates being of physical activity something fun, other dates go to places like the zoo, museums or a walk in the park, perhaps a pizza making course or street food market in the city. The whole point is to get to know them, find out their interests, have fun and compatibility because at this point herp doesn’t even matter, neither does sex. You want a best friend you can mess around with, hey, even chuck in a cheeky kiss at the end of the date.

When you finally feel like you are really connecting 2-3 months in and you have a good gauge of how genuine and nice this person is (you will just know after that long) and now want to let them know, try and pick somewhere they will feel comfortable and somewhere you can leave if they want time to think. I would recommend over at their place or somewhere public like a quiet coffee shop. This will give you the reassurance in your environment. You want to tell them about it before taking clothes off, not during by the way, I’ve been there it doesn’t work. Wait till you’re both settled it and had a bit of laugh let it flow naturally… This is where you will probably say something calmly along the lines of “(Name), I’ve been thinking a lot about us recently and I really like the way things are heading, I’d love to be more romantic with you as I think you are a great person and I care about you a lot. That is why I think if we are to sleep with each other, I have something you should know about and I think you deserve the choice to know (if you didn’t get a choice tell them, it only builds respect). I went to the doctors (the time you found out) as I had a small ingrown like hair pimple and I was diagnosed with a form of herpes like virus, I don’t show many noticeable symptoms, maybe if not any ( because you look after your health, hence why I said health is wealth) but I wanted to let you know as I care about you and you deserve a choice, I totally understand if you need some time to think about it and I am okay if you don’t want too, I am happy if you still want to be friends” Let them reply…

If they say yes, great. If they need time to think, that is also great, they may ask you more about it. Educate them with stuff the doctor says, or your personal experience. Not what society paints.

If they say no, that is also a good thing. As it means they were probably not committed after 3 months anyway but you will find 99% of the time you will have their up most respect for being bold and honest with them. There are very few people if any, after 3 months of building a connection with them, that they will spike you down for being honest. You will find a surprising reaction; people are very opened minded when you show boldness and vulnerability and they will keep that to themselves as you told it in confidence and respectfully. You can then walk away with full integrity and another situation off the bucket list, the second time around will be a breeze!

It is only a big deal if you make it a big deal, so keep calm and slide it in like you have had it for years because you will. It is easy, the great thing is there is also dating sites for people with it where millions of people go like positive singles. So, if you don’t want to break the news to someone who may not have it, then happy days you will always have a choice.


Last but not least - Your Business This I will keep short and sweet, You should use this opportunity in your job and business to build your confidence and slow things down mentally before making a decision. Each of the things I mentioned above and how you approach them will all help with your job and business, as ultimately you are helping you.

For business to keep yourself aligned, just right out a list of 10 things in order of super importance for your day. Once you have done that, then get rid of anything from 5 down as you probably won’t complete all 10 and the rest are over thought to fill the numbers. Keep it very simple, 4 things and do them in order of importance. Every lunch I go for walk as you need to connect with reality again, look at the sky or people watch, perhaps even be thankful for your morning routine. Once those 4 things are done right them in your journal in the evening, that’s a win. You crushed the day.







The Very Last bit

Hopefully this has helped some of you, and that you read it again to understand it all starts with how you approach yourself and your day. Your mind will make or break you, so make sure you give yourself a fighting chance first, herp is just a small hurdle you need to jump over with your new confidence shoes, that light up and shit like when you were a kid. You are a member of the club and millions and millions of people are too, don’t worry about it and just smash being the best version of you. Herp will fall to the wayside and you will stand above average, as you have built above average habits, you define you. Have a great life and I hope you give yourself the life you deserve, as you are a unique and wonderful person!
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2020.05.16 05:48 ThrowRACapoChanger Just found out my (37f) boyfriend (35m) has been frequently hanging out with his secret/mentally ill ex-wife (33F) behind my back the whole time we’ve been dating and lying about it. Where do I go from here?

I’m so upset, I feel like my brain has been replaced with a can of clearance-cart refried beans. Apologies if this is all over the place, my head is a mess and I am completely gutted.
After months, nay, YEARS of going on disappointing and borderline disastrous dates, (I use OLD sites, live in a fairly large New England City, dating here is really tough for some reason), I finally met a guy who I really clicked with.
Our first date was the honestly the best date I had ever been on, the chemistry was ebullient and I walked home from the pub feeling like my $39 TJ Maxx heels were filled with some sort of sidewalk skimming helium. To my luck, that infatuated feeling was mutual and we have been almost inseparable ever since. We became close very quickly and it developed into him staying with me a few nights out of the week. I enjoyed his company and didn’t feel overwhelmed, this was significant step for me because I am a serial introvert/loner who needs great amounts of time alone to be happy and functioning.
We fell in love quickly and became very close. We established within a week of seeing each other that we both wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with each other.
Two months in, he tells me he loves me, and that the past 2 months have been the best of his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course I’m elated because I feel the same and truly felt he was everything I wanted. All of it. Incredible chemistry sexually and intellectually. I thought “this was it”. No more dating apps! We’re in it for the long haul! This is awesome! I was on Cloud nine.
Then Quarantine happens. Not to rub it in people faces… but being stuck together at my apartment created a a fast-tracked version of a bout of blissful intimacy. I live alone, so he would come over just about every other day. We filled the time with so many fun things- we baked weird stuff, played Trivial Pursuit, made fun dinners, built a bird feeder, went on hikes, binged TV shows. Stay up all night listening to music and laughing, sometimes having sex 4 times a day…3 times in one night… we couldn’t get enough of each other. We would just lay in bed and stare into each others eyes. It was like something out of a movie. We both have 9-5 corporate jobs, so we would work from home together as well. It was hilariously fun.
As I got to know him in this intimate and accelerated courting situation, he presented to me a stable, loving, honest, intelligent and loyal man with strong values that aligned with mine.
As all couples do, we shared our past relationship baggage/history. So out it comes….He had just broken up with his “girlfriend” (this is what he called her) of five years the previous summer. So he had been single for just a few months before meeting me. He said they were two different people who weren’t compatible and had no right being with each other. He said that she suffered from severe mental illness and depended on him emotionally and financially and despite being an adult woman, couldn’t support herself in any way. They met in a PHD program while in London (he’s British, she’s American) and said she was on a myriad of prescription medication and exhibited self-harming behavior.. He described it as a toxic relationship, devoid of sex and intimacy. They both moved to Boston a few years ago together and that after the break up, he said he no longer had contact with her and she lived upstate on a farm with her family and a dog they had bought together like a month before they broke up. (they bought the dog together, not the farm)
It sounded messy but hey, it’s in the past. Everything is great. We’re together, life goes on. I think nothing of it, or her.
Fast forward a few weeks later, he comes over to my house and as I’m cooking dinner for us, he flippantly mentions that he just got back from the farm where he had been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and dog all day. Like so casually, as if he had just said “yeah I had a 6-inch footlong tuna at Subway for lunch”. I was floored, started shaking and just couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I was confused and felt threatened and insecure.
Apparently he had driven 2 hours up to the farm where she works and claims to have “barely even exchanged 5 sentences with her” and “he just went to see his dog”. So of course I get quiet. I don’t even know what to say. He asks what’s wrong, like as in he has no idea how I could possibly be bothered by this. I explain to him that I feel that seeing her is inappropriate and I feel threatened by it. He seems surprised and says it was no big deal and he will continue to do it because he loves and misses his dog. No reassurance at all, no apology… nothing. We eat dinner in silence and I finally tell him I feel like I am second in priority to a fucking DOG and he isn’t taking my feelings into consideration.
I ask him to leave. He does.
He contacts me the following day and tells me that after after thinking about it, he realizes that since it bothers me, he won’t ever see her or the dog again. I felt like I had possibly come off as slightly controlling but I believed I wasn’t being unreasonable. I had been cheated on by a boyfriend in the past (his respective ex was the other woman) so this issue was a huge point of pain for me and knew this.
So then things go back to normal.. or so I thought.
This past Friday, while on the couch snuggling together, I see a text message notification pop up from the ex girlfriend. He slides it away and flips his phone over. He then spends the rest of the night faced away from me texting and giggling with a sly smile. I was gutted and knew something was up. After I had just cooked him homemade manicotti. THE BASTARD.
We go to bed and my mind is racing. I can’t sleep. I know this is emotionally immature and an invasion of his privacy, but after he fell asleep I took his phone into my living room to look through the messages. I find what was my worst fear, he had been carrying on with her continuously without pause. I’m not sure if they ever even broke up. The messages went back even before we had met and the latest was just a few minutes before he fell asleep in MY BED with the mother fucking wine I BOUGHT in his stupid stomach. Good for her. There were many messages, hell, they even texted each other more than he and I did. He would send us both the same memes and funny twitter posts. To her credit, her responses were funnier than mine. Good for her.
As I went through the messages I discovered they saw each other almost every other day (I am actually shocked at how he juggled his time so well between us). All of the messages coordinating hangouts was him pursuing her and asking her to hang out. Telling her she is cute. Saying I miss you. Driving two hours to help her move or work on their farm. She even cooked him a birthday dinner. He told me he was with his mates that’s night. Stupidly, I spent the whole night painting him something beautiful and making a ten hour braised Osso Bucco for him while he’s over at her house eating fried vegetables with staring at her dead-eyed troll looking ass.
So I stayed up all night and even recorded the messages on my phone for evidence so he couldn’t try to deny anything. I popped a Xanax so I could stay calm and not break my remote control over his stupid head when he woke up. He finally woke up at six am, I told him to sit down and told him what I saw.
The blood drained from his head and he started to string along a myriad of explanations… that they were “just friends” and that he feels indebted to her because she is suicidal, mentally unstable and not self-sufficient. He claims that she has no one else to talk to, has no friends and her family is pure abusive trash (even though she lives with them and they all run a non-profit farm that helps low income people eat healthy foods, what monsters they must be!)
He feels like he has to take care of her because she is such a mess and a danger to herself yet this woman is a professor at a large university and is head of a farm, so I don’t know how much of a mess she could possibly be. It all sounded like a bunch of bull, but was entertaining watching him attempt to deny and lie what I had just seen in plain black and white text. I then ask him if they were married, because a text message had referenced a $2400 stimulus check and he said NO, they were just engaged. I asked him if they were still together, he said no. The cherry on top was that at no point did he apologize.
He claimed that they barely talked and hardly ever saw each other, which was so brazen considering he knew what I had just seen. He said that he can’t stand when she opens her mouth and just complains all of the time. He also said that his therapist has been urging him to break communication off with her because she is toxic. Not sure if this is true. The most hurtful part of all of this is is that the day after he swore he would never see her again, he texted her asking if he could come see her and then drove up to her place to hang out.
After about 15 minutes of talking, I couldn’t deal with any more of his crappy attempts at explaining so I just asked him to leave.
The next day he called me and admitted to me that they were in fact married, still married and they got married in England so she could stay in the country. Is this even a thing? I asked him if they were intimate since we had been together and he said no.
He keeps calling me to talk but I deny his calls. I was in love with this person, deeply. The idea of never seeing him again makes me so so so sad, yet I don’t know how this emotion can possibly exist inside me considering how much pain he’s caused me by lying, repeatedly. Should I at least hear him out even if we don’t reconcile? And if we do decide to somehow make it work, how does one even operate successfully as a couple after such breach of trust? He lied multiple times and he is swearing that this is an isolated incident and doesn’t reflect who he is as a person and his core values. My self esteem is pretty low right now and I feel like someone stuck a Taco Bell spork into my chest cavity.
TLDR- My (ex, I guess) boyfriend had been hanging out with his ex-wife while we were dating who he claimed to never be married to and is trying to reconcile with me. Where do we go now?
UPDATE HERE-
I ask, While reading this update, please try to find a tender spot in yourself to recognize that that I am only human, I was once deeply in love with this person and my self-esteem has been spun to the viscosity of cotton candy. You may be disappointed with me throughout this post, but you will be proud of me in the end, I promise. I’m like the Tonya Harding of toxic relationships. Or maybe actually the opposite. I dunno, I need to lay off the gin and tonics for tonight perhaps.
Also, thank you to all of the people who wrote truly kind-hearted and well thought out responses and suggestions to this bizarre and painful experience, it was immensely helpful to my mental state. I also apologize for the long-windedness of this but I find that writing is great therapy for me and typing this all out helps me organize my thoughts and bring closure to the situation.
Where I left off, I will pick back up. After the whole debacle, I was tempted to block his number but I kind of just craved those oh so satisfying and cringey “begging for forgiveness” texts. But to my surprise. They… never came.
Anyway.
The day after the incident, I decide the only way I can possibly find some inner peace was to just hop in my car and barrel down to Cape Cod blasting some Smashing Pumpkins while plowing through some shitty gas station snacks. Sour gummies, green can Pringles, Red Bull, Combos, Funions, and glazed donuts, I think the cashier may have thought I was delivering a final meal to a death row inmate. I found relief in periodically pulling down my rearview mirror, looking at my stupid swollen face and yelling “fuck!” (I definitely freaked out a passing Prius full of millennials; sorry guys)
I drive to the very end of the cape, find a serene beach parking lot and watch the sea. I hadn’t eaten in days, so I open my first bag of Doritos and let me tell you, it was the best thing I have ever felt on my tongue. Life is at that moment, if only fleeting, was peaceful. It was cold outside and the sand was whipping my car windows. I was in my bedroom slippers, high on MSG, and heartbroken but somehow, very calm.
As I feel my chest loosen and shoulders drop, his ringtone blasts over my favorite Bonnie Raitt ballad. I want to deny the call because fuck you! for interrupting the first minute of peace I’ve felt since seeing the black and white deceit, but I figure that as I watch the whitecaps bounce up, the time for closure would be fitting to match the tumult that the sea and I shared.
His voice is flat. We share no pleasantries. He said he just spoke to his therapist (also! god bless this women and give her a raise because, christ on a cracker, I’m sure that with all of his issues, he will undoubtedly be her lifes work).
He tells me she had just suggested that he should just tell me everything and that after hearing it, it is unlikely I will forgive him. I'm open to listening and embark on this juicy adventure so I am all ears and completely silent, refuse to add even an umm or ok. I even put him on mute so I can enjoy my Doritos in hedonistic peace while he goes on his diatribe of excuses.
He admits that he has been maintaining a relationship with his wife even though they were “broken up” since October, and existed just as friends. He tries over and over to distance himself from her but the problem is- he has some strong and unrelenting psychological tie to her. She has some sort of hold over him that he cannot let go of and that when they were actually dating, he had been trying to break up with her for 2 years but just couldn't. He says there is so much history to let go of and he doesn’t know how to get rid of it and he wants to TRY to make sense of it. He says he needs to figure it all out and wants to be with me but it wouldn’t be right to be doing that “work” while being with me because I would be correct and justified in feeling suspicious of his behaviors and actions. Also, that he and I can’t be together for at least a few weeks because he needs to get the psychological space correct because that’s what fucked up his actions with me. He says that she needs to be psychologically out of his life, not just physically.
I am silent. Hearing the passion and turmoil in his voice while referring to her, I realize he will never truly get over her, it’s over between us, and what we had could have not even possibly been real. Even if he did TRY, I don’t want to be the second priority, the consolation prize and why should I? Even though I was in love with him, I shouldn’t have to wait and hope that one day he wakes up and decides I’m his priority. The whole concept is maddening.
As he goes on, he said that he never expected to fall in love with someone (me) so fast and that he knew he needed to end things with her but it was just a monkey on his shoulder and he kept putting it off to spare her feelings so she wouldn't have a meltdown, he said that her meltdowns were the worst times of his life.
He also kept reiterating that he was apprehensive to tell me about his relationship with her because he “loved me so much” and was deathly afraid of losing me. Like, how does this even make sense? YOU CANT HAVE ALL OF THE CAKE BRO.
He then said that he’s never loved someone like the way he loves me and and said he’d never treated anyone so terribly ever in his whole and doesn’t understand why he did it. Gee, thanks! My first instinct was to blame myself, my crooked teeth and armpit fat, my kankles and grey hair, I deserved it. As you approach 40, I guess you put up with more shit from men than when you were a perky lil 26 year old. I really have to get over this concept and gain some self-confidence. Shit, maybe I should spend my stim check on some botox and a climbing gym membership.
He also maintained they are not having sex and haven’t since October. To be safe, I went to my local clinic this morning to get an STD test and my nurse was this amazing, stylish African-American woman and she goes, “OH honey he cheated on you during COVID?? Girl, ain’t he scared?!” I laughed for the first time in a while and it felt so good. I love and appreciate nurses so much. If I do find out I have the Clap, someone is leaving Cambridge in a body bag. OH ALSO (you guys are gonna love this) I am on an immunosuppressive medication that makes me very susceptible to colds and viruses, and this whole time he had been exposing me to her and her families germs/viruses. I am so immunocompromised and asthmatic, that if I did get Covid I would likely be in a critical/ near death situation. This aspect of selfishness may have been the most hurtful part.
In closure, he said that he obviously has some psychological issues to get through and has to figure out why he is the way he is.
At this point I can’t help but start to cry because I am just gutted and weak and I have no idea what my reasoning was but I open my heart to him and proclaimed that I had never felt love for anyone else the way I felt love for him and thought he was put on this earth for us to be together, maybe I wanted to let hm feel how bad he fucked up. He just replied with “yeah”. Literally just said “yeah”
I hung up. As I drove home, I realized I fell in love with a man he pretended to be and not the real human he actually is. It was like I had spent the past 6 months of my life living in and watching a movie that starred me. Being happy, in love and then enter in stage left: some actor with a cute accent, nice abs, and made me tea in the afternoon.
I also then go down a spiral of self-loathing and start comparing myself to her and explore frantically why I alone am not good enough for him… She possibly provided intellectual stimulation for him that I cannot fulfill. She is highly educated and witty. If we did decide to move on as a couple he will become tired of me because when he had her and me, both aspects of what he needed were being fulfilled and when and if left with just me, there is no her, no intellect and passion. I was just a cook, a laundry lady and a hole. I realize my place.
I cry very hard, go to sleep and wake up feeling closure.
The next morning I receive a text from him that says he wants me to know that “he is going to meet with his ex later in the week to establish they cannot be friends and and that he is committed to me, If there is any chance we can recover from this he wants to make it happen.” I ask him why he can’t just call her THAT DAY and he says that he needs to see her in person to do it and that he needs a few days because he is confused and he has to get his head in check because it was all over the place. He feared he may back out because she is so manipulative and convincing and he doesn’t trust himself.
Tuesday, midday he calls me and is frantic, jittery and talking a mile a minute. He’s out of breath, like this kid had just won the Ironman Triathlon. He’s joyfully crying and says. “I did it, I told her about you and she was fine with it! She didn’t even care! She is even seeing someone too, I am free, it’s like a weight off my shoulders, I’m free of her. I want to be with you and I will prove that you can trust me, I want to be with you!” I stay silent. I think- so what happened to these “weeks” he had just claimed to have needed to free himself psychologically from her? They just magically resolved themselves in a 15 minute conversation? Miraculous! Eye roll.
He goes on, sounding so triumphant and breathy “there is nothing in the way now, we can move on and be together” Ummm, nothing in the way?! The betrayal is VERY MUCH IN THE WAY. How about the past 3 months of you lying to me every day? Me never being able to believe a single word you say? Resenting you for everything you had done without conscience. Does he really think I am supposed to just instantly trust him and have him over for some chicken tetrazzini and sex on Saturday night? Also, I start to highly doubt this conversation with his wife even happened. I believe not a thing that comes out of his mouth anymore, so I am unmoved and just sigh. He then adds that he wants us to go to couples therapy and he’s going to look into it. I let him rant for a few minutes and ALL I say to him is “I’m glad you feel good” He’s such a narcissist that I felt this would be a fitting dig.
I cut off the call by saying I have to go because I am getting a call on the other line from my Creative Director. I sit with the news and for a few minutes. For a few minutes I sat and watched the trees blow and wondered if love really does “conquer all”. I felt like somehow I could find it in myself to believe him and learn to trust him again and that I had “won”. I felt happy. Then I felt really, really stupid. I opened up all of the screenshots I had saved from the concise reddit comments I received and realized there was no way it would ever happen between us and would be a precious waste of the last few years of my thirties.
Wednesday, I go outside to check my mailbox only to find a bundle of flowers and a letter on the floor of my porch. I open the letter, can’t read his handwriting and quickly decide I don’t even care to decipher it. It went right in the bin (it was trash day too, thank god.)
I blocked his phone number. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to tell his wife what he’s been up to and is she has half a brain, I’m sure she knows. Also, if she truly is suicidal I don’t want the inofrmation that came from my mouth to be the catalyst for her death or mental breakdown.
This crazy train had officially reached its final destination.
In a weird state of brazen bliss, I walk across the street and give the flowers to my elderly Mexican neighbor that had been painting his porch steps. He seemed confused at first but I think he eventually understood what was up… unless his jefita rolls thru tomorrow and hurls a chancla at me ….which would still probably hurt less than this meteor burning through my chest.
Have a good weekend everyone.
TL;DR- I had been unknowingly dating a married man who manipulated me into thinking we were in love. I have ended things and am completely gutted.
submitted by ThrowRACapoChanger to dating [link] [comments]


2020.05.16 05:47 ThrowRACapoChanger Just found out my (37f) boyfriend (35m) has been frequently hanging out with his secret/mentally ill ex-wife (33F) behind my back the whole time we’ve been dating and lying about it. Where do I go from here?

I’m so upset, I feel like my brain has been replaced with a can of clearance-cart refried beans. Apologies if this is all over the place, my head is a mess and I am completely gutted.
After months, nay, YEARS of going on disappointing and borderline disastrous dates, (I use OLD sites, live in a fairly large New England City, dating here is really tough for some reason), I finally met a guy who I really clicked with.
Our first date was the honestly the best date I had ever been on, the chemistry was ebullient and I walked home from the pub feeling like my $39 TJ Maxx heels were filled with some sort of sidewalk skimming helium. To my luck, that infatuated feeling was mutual and we have been almost inseparable ever since. We became close very quickly and it developed into him staying with me a few nights out of the week. I enjoyed his company and didn’t feel overwhelmed, this was significant step for me because I am a serial introvert/loner who needs great amounts of time alone to be happy and functioning.
We fell in love quickly and became very close. We established within a week of seeing each other that we both wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with each other.
Two months in, he tells me he loves me, and that the past 2 months have been the best of his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course I’m elated because I feel the same and truly felt he was everything I wanted. All of it. Incredible chemistry sexually and intellectually. I thought “this was it”. No more dating apps! We’re in it for the long haul! This is awesome! I was on Cloud nine.
Then Quarantine happens. Not to rub it in people faces… but being stuck together at my apartment created a a fast-tracked version of a bout of blissful intimacy. I live alone, so he would come over just about every other day. We filled the time with so many fun things- we baked weird stuff, played Trivial Pursuit, made fun dinners, built a bird feeder, went on hikes, binged TV shows. Stay up all night listening to music and laughing, sometimes having sex 4 times a day…3 times in one night… we couldn’t get enough of each other. We would just lay in bed and stare into each others eyes. It was like something out of a movie. We both have 9-5 corporate jobs, so we would work from home together as well. It was hilariously fun.
As I got to know him in this intimate and accelerated courting situation, he presented to me a stable, loving, honest, intelligent and loyal man with strong values that aligned with mine.
As all couples do, we shared our past relationship baggage/history. So out it comes….He had just broken up with his “girlfriend” (this is what he called her) of five years the previous summer. So he had been single for just a few months before meeting me. He said they were two different people who weren’t compatible and had no right being with each other. He said that she suffered from severe mental illness and depended on him emotionally and financially and despite being an adult woman, couldn’t support herself in any way. They met in a PHD program while in London (he’s British, she’s American) and said she was on a myriad of prescription medication and exhibited self-harming behavior.. He described it as a toxic relationship, devoid of sex and intimacy. They both moved to Boston a few years ago together and that after the break up, he said he no longer had contact with her and she lived upstate on a farm with her family and a dog they had bought together like a month before they broke up. (they bought the dog together, not the farm)
It sounded messy but hey, it’s in the past. Everything is great. We’re together, life goes on. I think nothing of it, or her.
Fast forward a few weeks later, he comes over to my house and as I’m cooking dinner for us, he flippantly mentions that he just got back from the farm where he had been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and dog all day. Like so casually, as if he had just said “yeah I had a 6-inch footlong tuna at Subway for lunch”. I was floored, started shaking and just couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I was confused and felt threatened and insecure.
Apparently he had driven 2 hours up to the farm where she works and claims to have “barely even exchanged 5 sentences with her” and “he just went to see his dog”. So of course I get quiet. I don’t even know what to say. He asks what’s wrong, like as in he has no idea how I could possibly be bothered by this. I explain to him that I feel that seeing her is inappropriate and I feel threatened by it. He seems surprised and says it was no big deal and he will continue to do it because he loves and misses his dog. No reassurance at all, no apology… nothing. We eat dinner in silence and I finally tell him I feel like I am second in priority to a fucking DOG and he isn’t taking my feelings into consideration.
I ask him to leave. He does.
He contacts me the following day and tells me that after after thinking about it, he realizes that since it bothers me, he won’t ever see her or the dog again. I felt like I had possibly come off as slightly controlling but I believed I wasn’t being unreasonable. I had been cheated on by a boyfriend in the past (his respective ex was the other woman) so this issue was a huge point of pain for me and knew this.
So then things go back to normal.. or so I thought.
This past Friday, while on the couch snuggling together, I see a text message notification pop up from the ex girlfriend. He slides it away and flips his phone over. He then spends the rest of the night faced away from me texting and giggling with a sly smile. I was gutted and knew something was up. After I had just cooked him homemade manicotti. THE BASTARD.
We go to bed and my mind is racing. I can’t sleep. I know this is emotionally immature and an invasion of his privacy, but after he fell asleep I took his phone into my living room to look through the messages. I find what was my worst fear, he had been carrying on with her continuously without pause. I’m not sure if they ever even broke up. The messages went back even before we had met and the latest was just a few minutes before he fell asleep in MY BED with the mother fucking wine I BOUGHT in his stupid stomach. Good for her. There were many messages, hell, they even texted each other more than he and I did. He would send us both the same memes and funny twitter posts. To her credit, her responses were funnier than mine. Good for her.
As I went through the messages I discovered they saw each other almost every other day (I am actually shocked at how he juggled his time so well between us). All of the messages coordinating hangouts was him pursuing her and asking her to hang out. Telling her she is cute. Saying I miss you. Driving two hours to help her move or work on their farm. She even cooked him a birthday dinner. He told me he was with his mates that’s night. Stupidly, I spent the whole night painting him something beautiful and making a ten hour braised Osso Bucco for him while he’s over at her house eating fried vegetables with staring at her dead-eyed troll looking ass.
So I stayed up all night and even recorded the messages on my phone for evidence so he couldn’t try to deny anything. I popped a Xanax so I could stay calm and not break my remote control over his stupid head when he woke up. He finally woke up at six am, I told him to sit down and told him what I saw.
The blood drained from his head and he started to string along a myriad of explanations… that they were “just friends” and that he feels indebted to her because she is suicidal, mentally unstable and not self-sufficient. He claims that she has no one else to talk to, has no friends and her family is pure abusive trash (even though she lives with them and they all run a non-profit farm that helps low income people eat healthy foods, what monsters they must be!)
He feels like he has to take care of her because she is such a mess and a danger to herself yet this woman is a professor at a large university and is head of a farm, so I don’t know how much of a mess she could possibly be. It all sounded like a bunch of bull, but was entertaining watching him attempt to deny and lie what I had just seen in plain black and white text. I then ask him if they were married, because a text message had referenced a $2400 stimulus check and he said NO, they were just engaged. I asked him if they were still together, he said no. The cherry on top was that at no point did he apologize.
He claimed that they barely talked and hardly ever saw each other, which was so brazen considering he knew what I had just seen. He said that he can’t stand when she opens her mouth and just complains all of the time. He also said that his therapist has been urging him to break communication off with her because she is toxic. Not sure if this is true. The most hurtful part of all of this is is that the day after he swore he would never see her again, he texted her asking if he could come see her and then drove up to her place to hang out.
After about 15 minutes of talking, I couldn’t deal with any more of his crappy attempts at explaining so I just asked him to leave.
The next day he called me and admitted to me that they were in fact married, still married and they got married in England so she could stay in the country. Is this even a thing? I asked him if they were intimate since we had been together and he said no.
He keeps calling me to talk but I deny his calls. I was in love with this person, deeply. The idea of never seeing him again makes me so so so sad, yet I don’t know how this emotion can possibly exist inside me considering how much pain he’s caused me by lying, repeatedly. Should I at least hear him out even if we don’t reconcile? And if we do decide to somehow make it work, how does one even operate successfully as a couple after such breach of trust? He lied multiple times and he is swearing that this is an isolated incident and doesn’t reflect who he is as a person and his core values. My self esteem is pretty low right now and I feel like someone stuck a Taco Bell spork into my chest cavity.
TLDR- My (ex, I guess) boyfriend had been hanging out with his ex-wife while we were dating who he claimed to never be married to and is trying to reconcile with me. Where do we go now?
UPDATE HERE-
I ask, While reading this update, please try to find a tender spot in yourself to recognize that that I am only human, I was once deeply in love with this person and my self-esteem has been spun to the viscosity of cotton candy. You may be disappointed with me throughout this post, but you will be proud of me in the end, I promise. I’m like the Tonya Harding of toxic relationships. Or maybe actually the opposite. I dunno, I need to lay off the gin and tonics for tonight perhaps.
Also, thank you to all of the people who wrote truly kind-hearted and well thought out responses and suggestions to this bizarre and painful experience, it was immensely helpful to my mental state. I also apologize for the long-windedness of this but I find that writing is great therapy for me and typing this all out helps me organize my thoughts and bring closure to the situation.
Where I left off, I will pick back up. After the whole debacle, I was tempted to block his number but I kind of just craved those oh so satisfying and cringey “begging for forgiveness” texts. But to my surprise. They… never came.
Anyway.
The day after the incident, I decide the only way I can possibly find some inner peace was to just hop in my car and barrel down to Cape Cod blasting some Smashing Pumpkins while plowing through some shitty gas station snacks. Sour gummies, green can Pringles, Red Bull, Combos, Funions, and glazed donuts, I think the cashier may have thought I was delivering a final meal to a death row inmate. I found relief in periodically pulling down my rearview mirror, looking at my stupid swollen face and yelling “fuck!” (I definitely freaked out a passing Prius full of millennials; sorry guys)
I drive to the very end of the cape, find a serene beach parking lot and watch the sea. I hadn’t eaten in days, so I open my first bag of Doritos and let me tell you, it was the best thing I have ever felt on my tongue. Life is at that moment, if only fleeting, was peaceful. It was cold outside and the sand was whipping my car windows. I was in my bedroom slippers, high on MSG, and heartbroken but somehow, very calm.
As I feel my chest loosen and shoulders drop, his ringtone blasts over my favorite Bonnie Raitt ballad. I want to deny the call because fuck you! for interrupting the first minute of peace I’ve felt since seeing the black and white deceit, but I figure that as I watch the whitecaps bounce up, the time for closure would be fitting to match the tumult that the sea and I shared.
His voice is flat. We share no pleasantries. He said he just spoke to his therapist (also! god bless this women and give her a raise because, christ on a cracker, I’m sure that with all of his issues, he will undoubtedly be her lifes work).
He tells me she had just suggested that he should just tell me everything and that after hearing it, it is unlikely I will forgive him. I'm open to listening and embark on this juicy adventure so I am all ears and completely silent, refuse to add even an umm or ok. I even put him on mute so I can enjoy my Doritos in hedonistic peace while he goes on his diatribe of excuses.
He admits that he has been maintaining a relationship with his wife even though they were “broken up” since October, and existed just as friends. He tries over and over to distance himself from her but the problem is- he has some strong and unrelenting psychological tie to her. She has some sort of hold over him that he cannot let go of and that when they were actually dating, he had been trying to break up with her for 2 years but just couldn't. He says there is so much history to let go of and he doesn’t know how to get rid of it and he wants to TRY to make sense of it. He says he needs to figure it all out and wants to be with me but it wouldn’t be right to be doing that “work” while being with me because I would be correct and justified in feeling suspicious of his behaviors and actions. Also, that he and I can’t be together for at least a few weeks because he needs to get the psychological space correct because that’s what fucked up his actions with me. He says that she needs to be psychologically out of his life, not just physically.
I am silent. Hearing the passion and turmoil in his voice while referring to her, I realize he will never truly get over her, it’s over between us, and what we had could have not even possibly been real. Even if he did TRY, I don’t want to be the second priority, the consolation prize and why should I? Even though I was in love with him, I shouldn’t have to wait and hope that one day he wakes up and decides I’m his priority. The whole concept is maddening.
As he goes on, he said that he never expected to fall in love with someone (me) so fast and that he knew he needed to end things with her but it was just a monkey on his shoulder and he kept putting it off to spare her feelings so she wouldn't have a meltdown, he said that her meltdowns were the worst times of his life.
He also kept reiterating that he was apprehensive to tell me about his relationship with her because he “loved me so much” and was deathly afraid of losing me. Like, how does this even make sense? YOU CANT HAVE ALL OF THE CAKE BRO.
He then said that he’s never loved someone like the way he loves me and and said he’d never treated anyone so terribly ever in his whole and doesn’t understand why he did it. Gee, thanks! My first instinct was to blame myself, my crooked teeth and armpit fat, my kankles and grey hair, I deserved it. As you approach 40, I guess you put up with more shit from men than when you were a perky lil 26 year old. I really have to get over this concept and gain some self-confidence. Shit, maybe I should spend my stim check on some botox and a climbing gym membership.
He also maintained they are not having sex and haven’t since October. To be safe, I went to my local clinic this morning to get an STD test and my nurse was this amazing, stylish African-American woman and she goes, “OH honey he cheated on you during COVID?? Girl, ain’t he scared?!” I laughed for the first time in a while and it felt so good. I love and appreciate nurses so much. If I do find out I have the Clap, someone is leaving Cambridge in a body bag. OH ALSO (you guys are gonna love this) I am on an immunosuppressive medication that makes me very susceptible to colds and viruses, and this whole time he had been exposing me to her and her families germs/viruses. I am so immunocompromised and asthmatic, that if I did get Covid I would likely be in a critical/ near death situation. This aspect of selfishness may have been the most hurtful part.
In closure, he said that he obviously has some psychological issues to get through and has to figure out why he is the way he is.
At this point I can’t help but start to cry because I am just gutted and weak and I have no idea what my reasoning was but I open my heart to him and proclaimed that I had never felt love for anyone else the way I felt love for him and thought he was put on this earth for us to be together, maybe I wanted to let hm feel how bad he fucked up. He just replied with “yeah”. Literally just said “yeah”
I hung up. As I drove home, I realized I fell in love with a man he pretended to be and not the real human he actually is. It was like I had spent the past 6 months of my life living in and watching a movie that starred me. Being happy, in love and then enter in stage left: some actor with a cute accent, nice abs, and made me tea in the afternoon.
I also then go down a spiral of self-loathing and start comparing myself to her and explore frantically why I alone am not good enough for him… She possibly provided intellectual stimulation for him that I cannot fulfill. She is highly educated and witty. If we did decide to move on as a couple he will become tired of me because when he had her and me, both aspects of what he needed were being fulfilled and when and if left with just me, there is no her, no intellect and passion. I was just a cook, a laundry lady and a hole. I realize my place.
I cry very hard, go to sleep and wake up feeling closure.
The next morning I receive a text from him that says he wants me to know that “he is going to meet with his ex later in the week to establish they cannot be friends and and that he is committed to me, If there is any chance we can recover from this he wants to make it happen.” I ask him why he can’t just call her THAT DAY and he says that he needs to see her in person to do it and that he needs a few days because he is confused and he has to get his head in check because it was all over the place. He feared he may back out because she is so manipulative and convincing and he doesn’t trust himself.
Tuesday, midday he calls me and is frantic, jittery and talking a mile a minute. He’s out of breath, like this kid had just won the Ironman Triathlon. He’s joyfully crying and says. “I did it, I told her about you and she was fine with it! She didn’t even care! She is even seeing someone too, I am free, it’s like a weight off my shoulders, I’m free of her. I want to be with you and I will prove that you can trust me, I want to be with you!” I stay silent. I think- so what happened to these “weeks” he had just claimed to have needed to free himself psychologically from her? They just magically resolved themselves in a 15 minute conversation? Miraculous! Eye roll.
He goes on, sounding so triumphant and breathy “there is nothing in the way now, we can move on and be together” Ummm, nothing in the way?! The betrayal is VERY MUCH IN THE WAY. How about the past 3 months of you lying to me every day? Me never being able to believe a single word you say? Resenting you for everything you had done without conscience. Does he really think I am supposed to just instantly trust him and have him over for some chicken tetrazzini and sex on Saturday night? Also, I start to highly doubt this conversation with his wife even happened. I believe not a thing that comes out of his mouth anymore, so I am unmoved and just sigh. He then adds that he wants us to go to couples therapy and he’s going to look into it. I let him rant for a few minutes and ALL I say to him is “I’m glad you feel good” He’s such a narcissist that I felt this would be a fitting dig.
I cut off the call by saying I have to go because I am getting a call on the other line from my Creative Director. I sit with the news and for a few minutes. For a few minutes I sat and watched the trees blow and wondered if love really does “conquer all”. I felt like somehow I could find it in myself to believe him and learn to trust him again and that I had “won”. I felt happy. Then I felt really, really stupid. I opened up all of the screenshots I had saved from the concise reddit comments I received and realized there was no way it would ever happen between us and would be a precious waste of the last few years of my thirties.
Wednesday, I go outside to check my mailbox only to find a bundle of flowers and a letter on the floor of my porch. I open the letter, can’t read his handwriting and quickly decide I don’t even care to decipher it. It went right in the bin (it was trash day too, thank god.)
I blocked his phone number. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to tell his wife what he’s been up to and is she has half a brain, I’m sure she knows. Also, if she truly is suicidal I don’t want the inofrmation that came from my mouth to be the catalyst for her death or mental breakdown.
This crazy train had officially reached its final destination.
In a weird state of brazen bliss, I walk across the street and give the flowers to my elderly Mexican neighbor that had been painting his porch steps. He seemed confused at first but I think he eventually understood what was up… unless his jefita rolls thru tomorrow and hurls a chancla at me ….which would still probably hurt less than this meteor burning through my chest.
Have a good weekend everyone.
TL;DR- I had been unknowingly dating a married man who manipulated me into thinking we were in love. I have ended things and am completely gutted.
submitted by ThrowRACapoChanger to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.05.13 03:15 ThrowRACapoChanger Just found out my (37f) boyfriend (35m) has been frequently hanging out with his secret/mentally ill ex-wife (33F) behind my back the whole time we’ve been dating and lying about it. What to do?

Just found out my (37f) boyfriend (35m) has been frequently hanging out with his secret/mentally ill ex-wife (33F) behind my back the whole time we’ve been dating and lying about it.
I’m so upset, I feel like my brain has been replaced with a can of clearance-cart refried beans. Apologies if this is all over the place, my head is a mess and I am completely gutted.
After months, nay, YEARS of going on disappointing and borderline disastrous dates, (I use OLD sites, live in a fairly large New England City, dating here is really tough for some reason), I finally met a guy who I really clicked with.
Our first date was the honestly the best date I had ever been on, the chemistry was ebullient and I walked home from the pub feeling like my $39 TJ Maxx heels were filled with some sort of sidewalk skimming helium. To my luck, that infatuated feeling was mutual and we have been almost inseparable ever since. We became close very quickly and it developed into him staying with me a few nights out of the week. I enjoyed his company and didn’t feel overwhelmed, this was significant step for me because I am a serial introvert/loner who needs great amounts of time alone to be happy and functioning.
We fell in love quickly and became very close. We established within a week of seeing each other that we both wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with each other.
Two months in, he tells me he loves me, and that the past 2 months have been the best of his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course I’m elated because I feel the same and truly felt he was everything I wanted. All of it. Incredible chemistry sexually and intellectually. I thought “this was it”. No more dating apps! We’re in it for the long haul! This is awesome! I was on Cloud nine.
Then Quarantine happens. Not to rub it in people faces… but being stuck together at my apartment created a a fast-tracked version of a bout of blissful intimacy. I live alone, so he would come over just about every other day. We filled the time with so many fun things- we baked weird stuff, played Trivial Pursuit, made fun dinners, built a bird feeder, went on hikes, binged TV shows. Stay up all night listening to music and laughing, sometimes having sex 4 times a day…3 times in one night… we couldn’t get enough of each other. We would just lay in bed and stare into each others eyes. It was like something out of a movie. We both have 9-5 corporate jobs, so we would work from home together as well. It was hilariously fun.
As I got to know him in this intimate and accelerated courting situation, he presented to me a stable, loving, honest, intelligent and loyal man with strong values that aligned with mine.
As all couples do, we shared our past relationship baggage/history. So out it comes….He had just broken up with his “girlfriend” (this is what he called her) of five years the previous summer. So he had been single for just a few months before meeting me. He said they were two different people who weren’t compatible and had no right being with each other. He said that she suffered from severe mental illness and depended on him emotionally and financially and despite being an adult woman, couldn’t support herself in any way. They met in a PHD program while in London (he’s British, she’s American) and said she was on a myriad of prescription medication and exhibited self-harming behavior.. He described it as a toxic relationship, devoid of sex and intimacy. They both moved to Boston a few years ago together and that after the break up, he said he no longer had contact with her and she lived upstate on a farm with her family and a dog they had bought together like a month before they broke up. (they bought the dog together, not the farm)
It sounded messy but hey, it’s in the past. Everything is great. We’re together, life goes on. I think nothing of it, or her.
Fast forward a few weeks later, he comes over to my house and as I’m cooking dinner for us, he flippantly mentions that he just got back from the farm where he had been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and dog all day. Like so casually, as if he had just said “yeah I had a 6-inch footlong tuna at Subway for lunch”. I was floored, started shaking and just couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I was confused and felt threatened and insecure.
Apparently he had driven 2 hours up to the farm where she works and claims to have “barely even exchanged 5 sentences with her” and “he just went to see his dog”. So of course I get quiet. I don’t even know what to say. He asks what’s wrong, like as in he has no idea how I could possibly be bothered by this. I explain to him that I feel that seeing her is inappropriate and I feel threatened by it. He seems surprised and says it was no big deal and he will continue to do it because he loves and misses his dog. No reassurance at all, no apology… nothing. We eat dinner in silence and I finally tell him I feel like I am second in priority to a fucking DOG and he isn’t taking my feelings into consideration.
I ask him to leave. He does.
He contacts me the following day and tells me that after after thinking about it, he realizes that since it bothers me, he won’t ever see her or the dog again. I felt like I had possibly come off as slightly controlling but I believed I wasn’t being unreasonable. I had been cheated on by a boyfriend in the past (his respective ex was the other woman) so this issue was a huge point of pain for me and knew this.
So then things go back to normal.. or so I thought.
This past Friday, while on the couch snuggling together, I see a text message notification pop up from the ex girlfriend. He slides it away and flips his phone over. He then spends the rest of the night faced away from me texting and giggling with a sly smile. I was gutted and knew something was up. After I had just cooked him homemade manicotti. THE BASTARD.
We go to bed and my mind is racing. I can’t sleep. I know this is emotionally immature and an invasion of his privacy, but after he fell asleep I took his phone into my living room to look through the messages. I find what was my worst fear, he had been carrying on with her continuously without pause. I’m not sure if they ever even broke up. The messages went back even before we had met and the latest was just a few minutes before he fell asleep in MY BED with the mother fucking wine I BOUGHT in his stupid stomach. Good for her. There were many messages, hell, they even texted each other more than he and I did. He would send us both the same memes and funny twitter posts. To her credit, her responses were funnier than mine. Good for her.
As I went through the messages I discovered they saw each other almost every other day (I am actually shocked at how he juggled his time so well between us). All of the messages coordinating hangouts was him pursuing her and asking her to hang out. Telling her she is cute. Saying I miss you. Driving two hours to help her move or work on their farm. She even cooked him a birthday dinner. He told me he was with his mates that’s night. Stupidly, I spent the whole night painting him something beautiful and making a ten hour braised Osso Bucco for him while he’s over at her house eating fried vegetables with staring at her dead-eyed troll looking ass.
So I stayed up all night and even recorded the messages on my phone for evidence so he couldn’t try to deny anything. I popped a Xanax so I could stay calm and not break my remote control over his stupid head when he woke up. He finally woke up at six am, I told him to sit down and told him what I saw.
The blood drained from his head and he started to string along a myriad of explanations… that they were “just friends” and that he feels indebted to her because she is suicidal, mentally unstable and not self-sufficient. He claims that she has no one else to talk to, has no friends and her family is pure abusive trash (even though she lives with them and they all run a non-profit farm that helps low income people eat healthy foods, what monsters they must be!)
He feels like he has to take care of her because she is such a mess and a danger to herself yet this woman is a professor at a large university and is head of a farm, so I don’t know how much of a mess she could possibly be. It all sounded like a bunch of bull, but was entertaining watching him attempt to deny and lie what I had just seen in plain black and white text. I then ask him if they were married, because a text message had referenced a $2400 stimulus check and he said NO, they were just engaged. I asked him if they were still together, he said no. The cherry on top was that at no point did he apologize.
He claimed that they barely talked and hardly ever saw each other, which was so brazen considering he knew what I had just seen. He said that he can’t stand when she opens her mouth and just complains all of the time. He also said that his therapist has been urging him to break communication off with her because she is toxic. Not sure if this is true. The most hurtful part of all of this is is that the day after he swore he would never see her again, he texted her asking if he could come see her and then drove up to her place to hang out.
After about 15 minutes of talking, I couldn’t deal with any more of his crappy attempts at explaining so I just asked him to leave.
The next day he called me and admitted to me that they were in fact married, still married and they got married in England so she could stay in the country. Is this even a thing? I asked him if they were intimate since we had been together and he said no.
He keeps calling me to talk but I deny his calls. I was in love with this person, deeply. The idea of never seeing him again makes me so so so sad, yet I don’t know how this emotion can possibly exist inside me considering how much pain he’s caused me by lying, repeatedly. Should I at least hear him out even if we don’t reconcile? And if we do decide to somehow make it work, how does one even operate successfully as a couple after such breach of trust? He lied multiple times and he is swearing that this is an isolated incident and doesn’t reflect who he is as a person and his core values. My self esteem is pretty low right now and I feel like someone stuck a Taco Bell spork into my chest cavity.
TLDR- My (ex, I guess) boyfriend had been hanging out with his ex-wife while we were dating who he claimed to never be married to and is trying to reconcile with me. Where do we go now?
submitted by ThrowRACapoChanger to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.05.13 02:59 ThrowRACapoChanger Just found out my (37f) boyfriend (35m) has been frequently hanging out with his secret/mentally ill ex-wife (33F) behind my back the whole time we’ve been dating and lying about it. Where do I go from here?

I’m so upset, I feel like my brain has been replaced with a can of clearance-cart refried beans. Apologies if this is all over the place, my head is a mess and I am completely gutted.
After months, nay, YEARS of going on disappointing and borderline disastrous dates, (I use OLD sites, live in a fairly large New England City, dating here is really tough for some reason), I finally met a guy who I really clicked with.
Our first date was the honestly the best date I had ever been on, the chemistry was ebullient and I walked home from the pub feeling like my $39 TJ Maxx heels were filled with some sort of sidewalk skimming helium. To my luck, that infatuated feeling was mutual and we have been almost inseparable ever since. We became close very quickly and it developed into him staying with me a few nights out of the week. I enjoyed his company and didn’t feel overwhelmed, this was significant step for me because I am a serial introvert/loner who needs great amounts of time alone to be happy and functioning.
We fell in love quickly and became very close. We established within a week of seeing each other that we both wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with each other.
Two months in, he tells me he loves me, and that the past 2 months have been the best of his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course I’m elated because I feel the same and truly felt he was everything I wanted. All of it. Incredible chemistry sexually and intellectually. I thought “this was it”. No more dating apps! We’re in it for the long haul! This is awesome! I was on Cloud nine.
Then Quarantine happens. Not to rub it in people faces… but being stuck together at my apartment created a a fast-tracked version of a bout of blissful intimacy. I live alone, so he would come over just about every other day. We filled the time with so many fun things- we baked weird stuff, played Trivial Pursuit, made fun dinners, built a bird feeder, went on hikes, binged TV shows. Stay up all night listening to music and laughing, sometimes having sex 4 times a day…3 times in one night… we couldn’t get enough of each other. We would just lay in bed and stare into each others eyes. It was like something out of a movie. We both have 9-5 corporate jobs, so we would work from home together as well. It was hilariously fun.
As I got to know him in this intimate and accelerated courting situation, he presented to me a stable, loving, honest, intelligent and loyal man with strong values that aligned with mine.
As all couples do, we shared our past relationship baggage/history. So out it comes….He had just broken up with his “girlfriend” (this is what he called her) of five years the previous summer. So he had been single for just a few months before meeting me. He said they were two different people who weren’t compatible and had no right being with each other. He said that she suffered from severe mental illness and depended on him emotionally and financially and despite being an adult woman, couldn’t support herself in any way. They met in a PHD program while in London (he’s British, she’s American) and said she was on a myriad of prescription medication and exhibited self-harming behavior.. He described it as a toxic relationship, devoid of sex and intimacy. They both moved to Boston a few years ago together and that after the break up, he said he no longer had contact with her and she lived upstate on a farm with her family and a dog they had bought together like a month before they broke up. (they bought the dog together, not the farm)
It sounded messy but hey, it’s in the past. Everything is great. We’re together, life goes on. I think nothing of it, or her.
Fast forward a few weeks later, he comes over to my house and as I’m cooking dinner for us, he flippantly mentions that he just got back from the farm where he had been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and dog all day. Like so casually, as if he had just said “yeah I had a 6-inch footlong tuna at Subway for lunch”. I was floored, started shaking and just couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I was confused and felt threatened and insecure.
Apparently he had driven 2 hours up to the farm where she works and claims to have “barely even exchanged 5 sentences with her” and “he just went to see his dog”. So of course I get quiet. I don’t even know what to say. He asks what’s wrong, like as in he has no idea how I could possibly be bothered by this. I explain to him that I feel that seeing her is inappropriate and I feel threatened by it. He seems surprised and says it was no big deal and he will continue to do it because he loves and misses his dog. No reassurance at all, no apology… nothing. We eat dinner in silence and I finally tell him I feel like I am second in priority to a fucking DOG and he isn’t taking my feelings into consideration.
He contacts me the following day and tells me that after after thinking about it, he realizes that since it bothers me, he won’t ever see her or the dog again. I felt like I had possibly come off as slightly controlling but I believed I wasn’t being unreasonable. I had been cheated on by a boyfriend in the past (his respective ex was the other woman) so this issue was a huge point of pain for me and knew this.
So then things go back to normal.. or so I thought.
This past Friday, while on the couch snuggling together, I see a text message notification pop up from the ex girlfriend. He slides it away and flips his phone over. He then spends the rest of the night faced away from me texting and giggling with a sly smile. I was gutted and knew something was up. After I had just cooked him homemade manicotti. THE BASTARD.
We go to bed and my mind is racing. I can’t sleep. I know this is emotionally immature and an invasion of his privacy, but after he fell asleep I took his phone into my living room to look through the messages. I find what was my worst fear, he had been carrying on with her continuously without pause. I’m not sure if they ever even broke up. The messages went back even before we had met and the latest was just a few minutes before he fell asleep in MY BED with the mother fucking wine I BOUGHT in his stupid stomach. Good for her. There were many messages, hell, they even texted each other more than he and I did. He would send us both the same memes and funny twitter posts. To her credit, her responses were funnier than mine. Good for her.
As I went through the messages I discovered they saw each other almost every other day (I am actually shocked at how he juggled his time so well between us). All of the messages coordinating hangouts was him pursuing her and asking her to hang out. Telling her she is cute. Saying I miss you. Driving two hours to help her move or work on their farm. She even cooked him a birthday dinner. He told me he was with his mates that’s night. Stupidly, I spent the whole night painting him something beautiful and making a ten hour braised Osso Bucco for him while he’s over at her house eating fried vegetables with staring at her dead-eyed troll looking ass.
So I stayed up all night and even recorded the messages on my phone for evidence so he couldn’t try to deny anything. I popped a Xanax so I could stay calm and not break my remote control over his stupid head when he woke up. He finally woke up at six am, I told him to sit down and told him what I saw.
The blood drained from his head and he started to string along a myriad of explanations… that they were “just friends” and that he feels indebted to her because she is suicidal, mentally unstable and not self-sufficient. He claims that she has no one else to talk to, has no friends and her family is pure abusive trash (even though she lives with them and they all run a non-profit farm that helps low income people eat healthy foods, what monsters they must be!)
He feels like he has to take care of her because she is such a mess and a danger to herself yet this woman is a professor at a large university and is head of a farm, so I don’t know how much of a mess she could possibly be. It all sounded like a bunch of bull, but was entertaining watching him attempt to deny and lie what I had just seen in plain black and white text. I then ask him if they were married, because a text message had referenced a $2400 stimulus check and he said NO, they were just engaged. I asked him if they were still together, he said no. The cherry on top was that at no point did he apologize.
He claimed that they barely talked and hardly ever saw each other, which was so brazen considering he knew what I had just seen. He said that he can’t stand when she opens her mouth and just complains all of the time. He also said that his therapist has been urging him to break communication off with her because she is toxic. Not sure if this is true. The most hurtful part of all of this is is that the day after he swore he would never see her again, he texted her asking if he could come see her and then drove up to her place to hang out.
After about 15 minutes of talking, I couldn’t deal with any more of his crappy attempts at explaining so I just asked him to leave.
The next day he called me and admitted to me that they were in fact married, still married and they got married in England so she could stay in the country. Is this even a thing? I asked him if they were intimate since we had been together and he said no.
He keeps calling me to talk but I deny his calls. I was in love with this person, deeply. The idea of never seeing him again makes me so so so sad, yet I don’t know how this emotion can possibly exist inside me considering how much pain he’s caused me by lying, repeatedly. Should I at least hear him out even if we don’t reconcile? And if we do decide to somehow make it work, how does one even operate successfully as a couple after such breach of trust? He lied multiple times and he is swearing that this is an isolated incident and doesn’t reflect who he is as a person and his core values. My self esteem is pretty low right now and I feel like someone stuck a Taco Bell spork into my chest cavity.
TLDR- My (ex, I guess) boyfriend had been hanging out with his ex-wife while we were dating who he claimed to never be married to and is trying to reconcile with me. Where do we go now?

UPDATE HERE-

I ask, While reading this update, please try to find a tender spot in yourself to recognize that that I am only human, I was once deeply in love with this person and my self-esteem has been spun to the viscosity of cotton candy. You may be disappointed with me throughout this post, but you will be proud of me in the end, I promise. I’m like the Tonya Harding of toxic relationships. Or maybe actually the opposite. I dunno, I need to lay off the gin and tonics for tonight perhaps.
Also, thank you to all of the people who wrote truly kind-hearted and well thought out responses and suggestions to this bizarre and painful experience, it was immensely helpful to my mental state. I also apologize for the long-windedness of this but I find that writing is great therapy for me and typing this all out helps me organize my thoughts and bring closure to the situation.
Where I left off, I will pick back up. After the whole debacle, I was tempted to block his number but I kind of just craved those oh so satisfying and cringey “begging for forgiveness” texts. But to my surprise. They… never came.
Anyway.
The day after the incident, I decide the only way I can possibly find some inner peace was to just hop in my car and barrel down to Cape Cod blasting some Smashing Pumpkins while plowing through some shitty gas station snacks. Sour gummies, green can Pringles, Red Bull, Combos, Funions, and glazed donuts, I think the cashier may have thought I was delivering a final meal to a death row inmate. I found relief in periodically pulling down my rearview mirror, looking at my stupid swollen face and yelling “fuck!” (I definitely freaked out a passing Prius full of millennials; sorry guys)
I drive to the very end of the cape, find a serene beach parking lot and watch the sea. I hadn’t eaten in days, so I open my first bag of Doritos and let me tell you, it was the best thing I have ever felt on my tongue. Life is at that moment, if only fleeting, was peaceful. It was cold outside and the sand was whipping my car windows. I was in my bedroom slippers, high on MSG, and heartbroken but somehow, very calm.
As I feel my chest loosen and shoulders drop, his ringtone blasts over my favorite Bonnie Raitt ballad. I want to deny the call because fuck you! for interrupting the first minute of peace I’ve felt since seeing the black and white deceit, but I figure that as I watch the whitecaps bounce up, the time for closure would be fitting to match the tumult that the sea and I shared.
His voice is flat. We share no pleasantries. He said he just spoke to his therapist (also! god bless this women and give her a raise because, christ on a cracker, I’m sure that with all of his issues, he will undoubtedly be her lifes work).
He tells me she had just suggested that he should just tell me everything and that after hearing it, it is unlikely I will forgive him. I'm open to listening and embark on this juicy adventure so I am all ears and completely silent, refuse to add even an umm or ok. I even put him on mute so I can enjoy my Doritos in hedonistic peace while he goes on his diatribe of excuses.
He admits that he has been maintaining a relationship with his wife even though they were “broken up” since October, and existed just as friends. He tries over and over to distance himself from her but the problem is- he has some strong and unrelenting psychological tie to her. She has some sort of hold over him that he cannot let go of and that when they were actually dating, he had been trying to break up with her for 2 years but just couldn't. He says there is so much history to let go of and he doesn’t know how to get rid of it and he wants to TRY to make sense of it. He says he needs to figure it all out and wants to be with me but it wouldn’t be right to be doing that “work” while being with me because I would be correct and justified in feeling suspicious of his behaviors and actions. Also, that he and I can’t be together for at least a few weeks because he needs to get the psychological space correct because that’s what fucked up his actions with me. He says that she needs to be psychologically out of his life, not just physically.
I am silent. Hearing the passion and turmoil in his voice while referring to her, I realize he will never truly get over her, it’s over between us, and what we had could have not even possibly been real. Even if he did TRY, I don’t want to be the second priority, the consolation prize and why should I? Even though I was in love with him, I shouldn’t have to wait and hope that one day he wakes up and decides I’m his priority. The whole concept is maddening.
As he goes on, he said that he never expected to fall in love with someone (me) so fast and that he knew he needed to end things with her but it was just a monkey on his shoulder and he kept putting it off to spare her feelings so she wouldn't have a meltdown, he said that her meltdowns were the worst times of his life.
He also kept reiterating that he was apprehensive to tell me about his relationship with her because he “loved me so much” and was deathly afraid of losing me. Like, how does this even make sense? YOU CANT HAVE ALL OF THE CAKE BRO.
He then said that he’s never loved someone like the way he loves me and and said he’d never treated anyone so terribly ever in his whole and doesn’t understand why he did it. Gee, thanks! My first instinct was to blame myself, my crooked teeth and armpit fat, my kankles and grey hair, I deserved it. As you approach 40, I guess you put up with more shit from men than when you were a perky lil 26 year old. I really have to get over this concept and gain some self-confidence. Shit, maybe I should spend my stim check on some botox and a climbing gym membership.
He also maintained they are not having sex and haven’t since October. To be safe, I went to my local clinic this morning to get an STD test and my nurse was this amazing, stylish African-American woman and she goes, “OH honey he cheated on you during COVID?? Girl, ain’t he scared?!” I laughed for the first time in a while and it felt so good. I love and appreciate nurses so much. If I do find out I have the Clap, someone is leaving Cambridge in a body bag. OH ALSO (you guys are gonna love this) I am on an immunosuppressive medication that makes me very susceptible to colds and viruses, and this whole time he had been exposing me to her and her families germs/viruses. I am so immunocompromised and asthmatic, that if I did get Covid I would likely be in a critical/ near death situation. This aspect of selfishness may have been the most hurtful part.
In closure, he said that he obviously has some psychological issues to get through and has to figure out why he is the way he is.
At this point I can’t help but start to cry because I am just gutted and weak and I have no idea what my reasoning was but I open my heart to him and proclaimed that I had never felt love for anyone else the way I felt love for him and thought he was put on this earth for us to be together, maybe I wanted to let hm feel how bad he fucked up. He just replied with “yeah”. Literally just said “yeah”
I hung up. As I drove home, I realized I fell in love with a man he pretended to be and not the real human he actually is. It was like I had spent the past 6 months of my life living in and watching a movie that starred me. Being happy, in love and then enter in stage left: some actor with a cute accent, nice abs, and made me tea in the afternoon.
I also then go down a spiral of self-loathing and start comparing myself to her and explore frantically why I alone am not good enough for him… She possibly provided intellectual stimulation for him that I cannot fulfill. She is highly educated and witty. If we did decide to move on as a couple he will become tired of me because when he had her and me, both aspects of what he needed were being fulfilled and when and if left with just me, there is no her, no intellect and passion. I was just a cook, a laundry lady and a hole. I realize my place.
I cry very hard, go to sleep and wake up feeling closure.
The next morning I receive a text from him that says he wants me to know that “he is going to meet with his ex later in the week to establish they cannot be friends and and that he is committed to me, If there is any chance we can recover from this he wants to make it happen.” I ask him why he can’t just call her THAT DAY and he says that he needs to see her in person to do it and that he needs a few days because he is confused and he has to get his head in check because it was all over the place. He feared he may back out because she is so manipulative and convincing and he doesn’t trust himself.
Tuesday, midday he calls me and is frantic, jittery and talking a mile a minute. He’s out of breath, like this kid had just won the Ironman Triathlon. He’s joyfully crying and says. “I did it, I told her about you and she was fine with it! She didn’t even care! She is even seeing someone too, I am free, it’s like a weight off my shoulders, I’m free of her. I want to be with you and I will prove that you can trust me, I want to be with you!” I stay silent. I think- so what happened to these “weeks” he had just claimed to have needed to free himself psychologically from her? They just magically resolved themselves in a 15 minute conversation? Miraculous! Eye roll.
He goes on, sounding so triumphant and breathy “there is nothing in the way now, we can move on and be together” Ummm, nothing in the way?! The betrayal is VERY MUCH IN THE WAY. How about the past 3 months of you lying to me every day? Me never being able to believe a single word you say? Resenting you for everything you had done without conscience. Does he really think I am supposed to just instantly trust him and have him over for some chicken tetrazzini and sex on Saturday night? Also, I start to highly doubt this conversation with his wife even happened. I believe not a thing that comes out of his mouth anymore, so I am unmoved and just sigh. He then adds that he wants us to go to couples therapy and he’s going to look into it. I let him rant for a few minutes and ALL I say to him is “I’m glad you feel good” He’s such a narcissist that I felt this would be a fitting dig.
I cut off the call by saying I have to go because I am getting a call on the other line from my Creative Director. I sit with the news and for a few minutes. For a few minutes I sat and watched the trees blow and wondered if love really does “conquer all”. I felt like somehow I could find it in myself to believe him and learn to trust him again and that I had “won”. I felt happy. Then I felt really, really stupid. I opened up all of the screenshots I had saved from the concise reddit comments I received and realized there was no way it would ever happen between us and would be a precious waste of the last few years of my thirties.
Wednesday, I go outside to check my mailbox only to find a bundle of flowers and a letter on the floor of my porch. I open the letter, can’t read his handwriting and quickly decide I don’t even care to decipher it. It went right in the bin (it was trash day too, thank god.)
I blocked his phone number. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to tell his wife what he’s been up to and is she has half a brain, I’m sure she knows. Also, if she truly is suicidal I don’t want the inofrmation that came from my mouth to be the catalyst for her death or mental breakdown.
This crazy train had officially reached its final destination.
In a weird state of brazen bliss, I walk across the street and give the flowers to my elderly Mexican neighbor that had been painting his porch steps. He seemed confused at first but I think he eventually understood what was up… unless his jefita rolls thru tomorrow and hurls a chancla at me ….which would still probably hurt less than this meteor burning through my chest.
Have a good weekend everyone.
TL;DR- I had been unknowingly dating a married man who manipulated me into thinking we were in love. I have ended things and am completely gutted.
submitted by ThrowRACapoChanger to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.05.04 00:41 ThrowawayHerpes99999 MY HERPES STORY (really long lol)

Ok, this is a long one.If anyone feels like reading this and has the free time. And right off the bat, I know I made big and immature mistakes during all of this. I think typing this is more for me to see my idiot decisions. Maybe someone could get something out of this and learn from my mistakes too, or provide insight. Here we go:
My best friend I knew for 7+years (and my only really close friend) made a move on me and confessed his feelings to me before he left for his 2nd year of college. He was in a relationship so I obviously rejected his advances, I had never thought of him that way but it made me realize I had feelings for him. He broke up with his SO the next day. I asked if I could come over later in the week and talk to him and he said sure. Well, he forgot he invited me over and I walked in on him cuddling with one of our friends in his bed. He told me he replaced me, and gradually stopped contact with me until he left for college again that summer. I was heartbroken. I felt I wasn't good enough, if my best friend didn't want to spend time with me who would? We used to spend every day together, and I didn't have my best friend to support me anymore.
2-3 years went by. I made friends, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about him everyday while we were in college. I got one or two texts from him, but that was it. College is over for both of us, we meet at a mutual friend party. Hit things off and start hanging out constantly like buddies again how we used to be. We get close and become romantically involved. I told him I missed him so much while he was gone, he was sorry for leaving without closure and toying with me and would do everything he could to treat my heart right.
(Here's the herpes part) About 4 months go by. Everything is beyond perfect, beyond my wildest dreams. This feels like the happiest I've ever been.No one has ever been so kind to me. He's all in. I'm all in.He’s so great to me. He’s magical. I don’t know anyone like him. We talk about finding a place in town together. Also, I was 24 and had never been a relationship, never been physical with anyone but him (besides pecking a boy on the lips in my teens). I was very insecure about that. I felt undesirable. He told me no one has ever made him feel as safe as I do, and hoped that I could always feel safe with him and he would do everything he could to keep me safe.
He gave me oral one night. This is the only sexual contact I've ever had. I didn't ask his history, or if he had been tested. I knew he had a handful of experiences, but I just assumed we didn't have a talk because 1. he knew I hadn't been with anyone ever and 2. I assumed he had been tested, so there would be no reason to. Big no no on me.
About 3 days later, I start getting pain in my crotch. I try some ointments, creams. Within the next week, its so bad I struggle walking. I make a rushed appointment with an obgyn. She examines me, and in the midst of the exam she just says,
"Herpes."
I don't say anything. I must have misheard her.
"It's herpes."
I start crying so hysterically and loudly the entire building probably heard me. Her assistant just stands and stares at me. When the exam is over, and the assistant leaves, the doctor brings me a tissue and tells me, "God did not make us to have oral sex." I couldn't remember much else of what she said. I was in shock. She sent out my test but was so confident it was herpes she prescribed me Valtrex. I have a script to get bloodwork later that week.
Get home, call my mom and cry on the phone to her the news. Of course she's with 5-6 of my relatives on speaker phone (lol). She rushes home to be with me. I call my partner, hysterical:
"It's Herpes!"
Him-"Huh. Hm, maybe I should go get tested."
"You haven't been tested? Oh my god, are you kidding me? Could you have given me something else?"
Him-"I don't know...No, nothing."
"Okay. Okay then."
Just silence for a good moment. I say bye and he hangs up. Nothing else is said. I get a long text from him about an hour later, with him saying he's extremely sorry, he's here for me always and that I'm not alone. He'll get me whatever I need. I message him and apologize for getting upset with him on the phone, that I wasn't upset if he transmitted herpes to me or not, that I could have had oral herpes, or even both of us could have had it and not know. I was upset over the diagnosis. And that I just wanted to make sure we don't have anything else.
The next day rolls by, I'm not doing well, I'm really horrible. Physically and emotionally. I'm getting sores on my mouth as well, and this is definitely the first time this has ever happened. I'm on Valtrex, fever, pain everywhere. I would be alone in the morning, I texted him and asked if he could come over and keep me company. He said he was going to hang with his friends, but he could come later. I ask if he's made an appointment to get tested. He says no, not yet, he's going to wait for his physical (which is 2 months away). I tell him he needs to specifically ask for an STI test from his doctor, and that he should really be on this ASAP. I send him the addresses for places in town he could get it done. He sends "Okay, thanks dude." I try calling him 3 times. Nothing. Later in the day I get a text saying, "Tomorrow will be when I call my doctor. Tomorrow will be when I make my appointment. Tomorrow is when I will know more of what's going on." I text him "You could have just texted me, 'Tomorrow I'll promise you more excuses." (I know, I shouldn't have texted that. It takes 5-10 minutes to make an appointment, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just get it done. For his health, and mine.)
In the middle of the night, I get a long text from him, saying the more he thinks about it the more sure he is he doesn't have herpes. He didn't have a cold sore in his mouth at the time he gave me oral, that he's never had a sore that's been infected. His ex never complained of problems like this, and she would have had it. That this doctor was messing with my head, that it was probably the ointment I was using. So then I end up apologizing, schedule another appointment with a different doctor (that doctor was really awful so I had planned to get a second opinion anyway), and I tell him I'll stop pushing him to get tested. That I could go with him some time in the future once I was better if he ever did want to get tested.
Lo and behold, my blood work results come minutes before I have this appointment with another doctor (she was great), and I'm positive for herpes (I don't know which one). I also had a yeast infection and uti, the worst I ever had in my life. She makes me a script to get tested for HIV and hep, letting me know that if he did transmit herpes to me through a cold sore in his mouth, then other things could have been transmitted as well.
Call my partner. I'm not nearly as upset as the first time, way calmer.
"I got the results in, and I'm 100% positive for herpes."
Silence.
"I'm sorry this is happening."
Still nothing.
"I’m going for my baseline bloodwork tomorrow.If you get the bloodwork for HIV and hep, I don't have to wait 6 months because I'm in a window period." More silence. I ask,
"What's going through your mind?"
He says, "Nothing, it's empty. What's going through yours?"
"Well, I'm upset. My mom's home, I need to go tell her the news. Ill call you back in a few minutes."
I tell her, call him back. He's not saying anything.
"You know, you really haven't been showing much emotion during all of this."
Him-" I just don't like showing anger."
"I feel like you’re distancing from me. My parents have been noticing too. Why am I the one calling and asking if you're okay, when I'm the one who is sick? Are you going to leave me?"
Him-"No, man."
I tipped over the edge. "Do you know that a good chunk of my family knows that I have herpes?"
He says "I'm sorry." I FINALLY get a "sorry." Some sort of sympathy.
"I'm so disappointed in myself for not asking if you got tested. I knew better, to be responsible and ask. Now I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life."
(BIG NO NO FROM ME, I know I know I know. I feel sick typing that. In more clearer words-I was upset that the first and only sexual experience I had, I got an incurable sti (it could have been transmitted from myself. From my saliva, to his mouth, to my genitals. We don't know. We'll never know.) And I was upset that he wasn't being responsive, so I was trying to get him to say ANYTHING.I thought he was going to be more supportive through all of this like he promised, but that doesn’t mean I should have made him feel bad.. I can't believe I said that. I'm awful.)
Him-I “I gotta go.” He hangs up. Sends me a text before I go to bed, “Good night, I love you.”Get a long text from him the next day.”Spent the rest of the day yesterday playing sports trying to clear my head. I feel like a monster, poisonous. I’m frozen with indecision, disoriented by the shock. I’m not going to leave you, I love you. I’m sorry about the pain, the confusion, the frustration, the embarrassment. I’m trying to figure out a way to make it up to you.”
I respond back, “You didn’t give me something poisonous. STIs are an inevitability on a planet where humans are going to rub themselves against each other. Myself and my family is upset because your blankness and inaction is giving off the feeling of you not being concerned about the situation. I understand you have a lot on your shoulders too. We’re not here to see who’s got it worse. I love you and I’m worried about you, because something could be in your body, our bodies and the longer its untreated the worse it could be. I want us to not have anything more than we already have. I wish you would call me and ask how I’m doing,offer to come over and help, go to a doctor’s appointment with me.”
I was extremely depressed, and upset constantly. Hating my body. I was frustrated that my partner wouldn’t speak to me on the phone.We were about a month in, and I still had a fever. I couldn’t walk. Swollen lymph nodes. Sick to my stomach. I also started getting hives and rashes on various parts of my body, and I was becoming exhausted and panicked from feeling like this nonstop. I lost about 16 pounds. I couldn’t sit the sores were so bad. My obgyn had me go to pelvic physical therapy (I ended up going for several months).There is a pillow you can buy to sit on when you have outbreaks, except its $99. I didn’t have $99. I barely had enough to pay for all the bloodwork, appointments, medications, and therapies. I was having something we called “phantom herpes,” where on parts of my genitals that had no sores, I was still feeling excruciating pain. I just felt such constant shame, still coming to terms with my condition. This doesn’t excuse my actions and how I treated my partner.
Now things got REALLY hairy here.My parents and my therapist were consistently trying to convince me that my partner had intentionally transmitted this to me, and I know he would never do that. They were trying to justify how he wasn’t helping, that no boyfriend would ever treat their girlfriend this way. It was agonizing. My therapist was trying to beat it into my head every time I went. “How can you not see it? Do you value yourself? You should go on Facebook and tell everyone he gave this to you so he doesn’t give it to anyone else! You don’t believe your family, the people who are there for you during all of this and love you? You’re a wreck.”That was my last session with her, and she ended it early.
For several days, every time I had bowel movement...I was bleeding..and not just like, a little bit. I had no idea what was going on. I called my primary, my obgyn, urgent care, no one had any idea. They all said this shouldn’t have anything to do with herpes. I never had this problem before. I was in panic. There was so much going on with my body. I also was having a full on asthmatic relapse, needing my nebulizer every day, multiple times a day. This hadn’t happened since I was a kid. Looking back I think it was the emotional toll and stress of everything, but at the time I was so terrified he transmitted something else to me and didn’t know it.
Because of the consistent bleeding, my dad wanted to take me to the hospital, and I agreed. It was around midnight.I texted my partner , “Dad’s taking me to the hospital.” He responds, “Are you going tonight?”I was already in the ER, trembling when he sent it…I just so badly wanted him to call me. Why wouldn’t you call your partner when they tell you they’re going to the hospital? Is there something wrong with me for expecting this? Getting so angry over him not calling? What’s wrong with me? I didn’t respond, the doctor came in.Telling all these nurses and doctors that you have herpes and telling them this whole situation gets really tiring when you’re still processing the diagnosis. He checked me, had no idea why I was bleeding.Gave me some laxatives and medicine, and he said definitely follow up with that HIV and hep test. I was mortified. I got home about 9 hours later. Texted my partner that I was home. No response.I got impatient and exploded between everything happening and the pressure from my parents. Texted“I’m too angry to see you right now. You can’t come over until you get tested, and we want to see the results.”
I erupted at him,wrongfully so. I so badly wanted those HIV/hep results, and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t do this for me.
A week goes by with nothing from him. My parents were on the verge of just going to his house and demanding he get tested and to get my belongings from him.They started looking up his parent’s phone numbers, leaving voicemail..this was going to get bad. They said I should go get my stuff from his house. They were eventually going to go on their own anyway if I hadn’t, and that would have been a bad situation, so I went. I sent a text saying I’m coming to get my stuff, my parents and I want it back asap.So I went, and he wasn’t home...but his parents opened the door. Oh dear.
“We haven’t seen you in a while!(Partner) isn’t home, did you want me to call him?”his dad said to me.
“Um, no I came to get my stuff. Has he told you about…anything going on lately?”I asked.
“No, what’s going on?” And the color just drains from my face. “Come in, what’s wrong?”
I go in shaking like a leaf and I spill the beans.I got herpes after I was with your kid,and I haven’t been with anyone else. He hasn’t been tested, and I just need to make sure I don’t have anything else. I didn’t want to do this, tell them this information. Even though it’s their child its still a breach in trust. My parents were going to do it anyway, I rather they hear it from me than them if its going to be one or the other.They were really kind and listened. His mom said she was sorry to hear that I got this diagnosis.She took my phone number down and said she’ll call me when she makes an appointment to take him to get tested tomorrow. I was so relieved.His dad got my stuff from his room and that was that.
The next day passes, no call from his mom. I brought my phone with me everywhere I went, even in the shower so I wouldn’t miss her call, did this for a week.
No call. I call my partner, and we FINALLY have an actual conversation, like an hour-long conversation. He tells me he set up his physical a month from now, and he’s getting bloodwork then. That’s the earliest he said he could get an appointment with his doctor. I couldn’t understand how I could get 2 sets of bloodwork done in 2 weeks, but he couldn’t get 1 done in 2 months, but I took it. We both apologized, had casual conversation too. I thought things were looking up.
My parents turned their thoughts around, and said “Hey, maybe we could be more helpful.”They told me to call him and tell him they’ll both offer to take him for testing at urgent care to get this done faster and be there for support. I leave him a voicemail. Get a text response at the end of the night that go along the lines of: “I don’t feel comfortable with your parents taking me to get tested. I don’t understand the persistent pressure, the distrust, the worry. I’ll be tested next month. What is will be. If I’m sick, I’ll have to talk to my ex. But besides that, I don’t know what’s going on and it makes me uncomfortable and causes me to hesitate to reach out to you.”
I broke.I was devastated. I sent something like “I’m deeply saddened I’ve made you uncomfortable. I feel like a monster, I’ve ruined what we had and I don’t even know where I went wrong. I guess I’m not emotionally mature enough to be in a physical relationship with you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,I won’t send anymore texts or voicemails trying to explain the situation. I’ll leave my phone on if you need to call me.”
A month goes by, no contact. I’m still suffering from symptoms. His appointment date goes by, I send him a text “Can you let me know the results of your tests?” If they come back negative, I don’t have to worry anymore or spend any more money or time on tests.” He responds! “Sure thing! As soon as I get them back, I’ll let you know asap.”
He texts me “Came back negative for hsv1 and 2”
WOW. Maybe I did give it to myself (and not to him??)? Or maybe he got the swab and got a false negative? Not sure.If he’s never had an outbreak, it wouldn’t show up in his test but he can still transmit it through asymptomatic shedding, correct? Anyhooo,
I ask, “Any hepatitis? HIV?”
He responds, “I don’t have any hep. I didn’t get tested for hiv.”
I start trembling and feel like I’m going to be sick. I so thought this would be it. I’d finally get the results. I send, “I’d really like to meet in person and clear things up.”No response for a few hours, I lose it. My patience and sanity and common sense is gone.
“Why would you get my hopes up and tell me you were getting tested…you knew I already have herpes and got treated for it. You knew I meant HIV/hep. You could have told me from the getgo you weren’t getting tested. This is giving me the creeps.”
I got told off via text, something like “I didn’t know that you wanted me to get tested for those, I don’t know who you think I am. You’re locked and loaded everytime we talk.” So somehow, even after telling him on the phone, after telling his parents, after referring back to it multiple times, he said he didn’t know I wanted a hiv/hep test this entire time.I’m at a loss for words.
I explained one more time through text that him getting tested would ease my mind, that I was having symptoms for unknown reasons and even a doctor recommended I go through with this testing. He responded saying he’s sorry he’s taking this long to help me out, and he’ll let me know when he’s scheduled an appointment. But at this point I’m already almost at the 12 week mark, so I might as well get the test myself. This agonizing I put upon myself for 2 months. Oh my god.
I completely broke after this and had a mental breakdown. This never happened before. I so badly did not want to be in my body, did not want this relationship to go how it was going. My parents took me to the hospital crisis unit. Doctor didn’t admit me, I was only there for a day. They mostly just said that it was a bad situation.Talked to a crisis counselor,said I was rightfully worried about having something transmitted to me, but more worried than the average person which is why I was stressed so much, this was not normal and I didn’t see that. Essentially diagnosed me as a hypochondriac, medical ocd. I had a lot of serious medical problems when I was a kid, she said it absolutely stems from that.
When they released me and gave me my clothes and belongings back, I checked my phone and had a text from my partner. “I called up my doctor, turns out I was tested for HIV and it came back negative. As for hep, I know I got a shot before I left for college.”(why would he have not told me 2 months prior that he got a hep shot so I wouldn't waste my time getting bloodwork for it?? I don’t know. No idea).
And that was it. That was the end of our relationship.I’m still trying to make sense of it, of what I’m responsible for and what I’m not. I lost the best relationship of life so far, because I ruined it and got angry over a virus. I wanted someone to talk to. I couldn't understand why he wasn't talking to me, but I guess I was being a jerk or he would have talked to me more during all of this. I don’t think he was actually going to leave until I was being a jerk, he just didn’t know what to do. He deserves better.
That was about 8 months ago. I’ve had about 5 outbreaks this month mostly due to stress I think with the quarantine. I continue to do pelvic exercises everyday. My butt still bleeds sometimes for some reason lol. Anytime I eat anything high in fat or fried, I get an outbreak. It’s painful.I wanted to go outside today (safely and masked) to exercise but the sores hurt a lot. It emotionally hurts every time. I’m still processing the acceptance. I hope and aspire to be a better person than I was in this relationship, to grow and learn. To be more giving. I couldn’t see outside my own suffering. I was explosive and reactive. I wish I did better.
If anyone read this, holy cow, thanks for reading.I guess I just wanted to tell someone, because I really don't have anyone to tell this whole story to right now. If i ever do find someone, a partner, and I disclose and they accept me, if it transmits to them I'm going to be there for them, talk to them, go to doctors appointments with them, heck pay for the Valtrex to ease the emotional burden. Because that's what I wanted.
submitted by ThrowawayHerpes99999 to Herpes [link] [comments]


2020.03.14 23:36 DrunkenTree The new girl in our gang was really hot.

She swept in, broke up relationships right and left, and blazed out. I suspected even my girlfriend Cherry had a hack at her, though that seemed less important after she got Mike killed.
We found her in line at Taco Mucho, where six of us had gone to load up on greasy food before a party at Arcy's place. I don't remember who first spoke to her, or who invited her along, but I'm pretty sure she went home with Samuel and Madlyn that first night. Cherry, my girlfriend, kept half-jokingly grabbing my chin and saying, "I'm over here." But Cherry kept turning toward the new girl herself.
"Call me Greg," the strange girl said. Tray, who dumped Arcy when he found out she was bi, got that look on his face.
But Elaine, ever fearless, asked, "Are you trans?"
"Nah," Greg said easily. "Hundred percent cis-fem. It's short for an online name, Gregaria. It means—"
"We can guess," Elaine cut her off. But even Elaine warmed to her before Arcy's party broke up.
Greg was funny and sharp, but not mean and cutting. She treated everybody like a new best friend. She was a hugger and a cuddler, but she seemed to have a radar about how much touch was enough. Loelia hates being hugged, but Greg—without being warned—took her hand and kissed it instead. I thought Loelia would melt on the spot.
But a week later Madlyn ditched Samuel in a huge screaming fight in my kitchen, both of them yelling about Greg. Never mind that Greg had spent that evening cuddling with don't-crowd-me Loelia. In another week Loelia and Samuel were an item, and Madlyn was moving to Springdale, while Greg and David and Tonya (our one married couple) suddenly appeared inseparable.
Then Greg somehow made up with Madlyn, who came back to our gang with a new guy on her arm. Whoever broke up with whoever else, nobody stayed mad at Greg for long.
I never tried Greg myself; Cherry and I had been doing the monogamy thing for several months. Cherry's idea, though I took it more seriously than she did.
Only Elaine and I seemed to notice: Greg soaked into our group like butter into a hot waffle, but brought no friends of her own. Elaine asked her about it; Greg said she'd only been in town about a year, and hadn't happened onto a gang like ours.
What made Greg the woman that all eyes—and most arms—turned to? Her figure was okay, her face forgettable, her skin sallow, her hair a short lifeless brown mop; my Cherry was far prettier, much better built. But Greg had a spark that drew people: the campfire at the circle's center, the lead singer of the band, the sunflower bobbing above the dandelions.
One thing she flaunted: She was unusually limber. She only stood an inch or two over five feet, but she often greeted tall guys by kicking up one leg to hook her heel over their shoulder, then hugging them close. Her hugs always felt overheated, as though a fire burned under her skin.
She tried that leg-split on me, hugging me into her crotch; Cherry about had an aneurysm. But I just thought, She touched first, and, There's plenty of headroom—we were in Wendy's—so I cupped her ass and tossed her over my head. She was light as an empty paper bag; her hips were broad but actually bony under her jeans.
She landed balanced on my shoulders, her hands brushing the ceiling; from there she did an astonishing shake-and-shimmy routine that had even Cherry cheering her on. The assistant manager came out to fuss at us, but Greg hopped down lightly, gave him a peck on the cheek, and ran to the counter to order her usual dozen Baconator doubles with fries.
That was another thing: She drank less than most of us, but she ate like an army of orphans. Her dozen Baconators were a standard order; "I'd get Triples if I could fit 'em in my mouth." Any party she came to, she brought a bag of food: chips, snack cakes, nuts, cheese. She brought pounds of hamburger and bacon and bags of buns to every cookout.
And then she always ate at least half of it herself. Aside from broad hips she was skinny, her arms and legs nearly stick-like, but I never saw her go more than half an hour without eating. "I just burn it all off," she said. She drove Arcy, who needed to shed about fifty pounds, absolutely nuts with envy.
"That bony bitch must eat fifty thousand calories a day," Arcy stormed. I'm not sure how much she was exaggerating—if at all.
Tonya said Greg even ate in bed after sex. "Even during sex," Loelia's kid brother Mike added.
"Oh, that's gross," Lo said. "I don't need to know that."
"No, really," Mike said, blushing. "She keeps Golden Oreos on the bed!" Greg shrugged her bony white shoulders, grinning, and leaned on him. He was built low, dark, and stocky, and I had a sudden unwantedly clear image of the two of them in bed; they must have looked like a meatball screwing spaghetti.
Greg often picked up the food tab for everybody in our gang, never worrying about the cost. She had plenty of money, though she didn't work. "I'm under an NDA," she said. "As long as I keep my mouth shut, the checks come in."
"You only shut your mouth to chew," Elaine shot back. But Greg never talked about her past.
It was clever Elaine who first remarked that Greg's fast lifestyle seemed a little desperate. "She's really living the every day is your last thing, y'know?"
I thought back over the last month. Was Greg cheery and full of life, or was she running from something, feverish and frantic? "What, you think there's something wrong with her?"
"I bet it's something about that NDA," she said. "She's got some godawful secret and she can't stand it."
If Tim hadn't turned up, I might never have found out. He was a grad student, a tall lanky guy with close-cropped blond hair; some months back his workload had picked up and he'd dropped out of our fluid group. Now he reappeared at one of Arcy's steak-and-beer parties.
When Greg arrived, carrying about twenty pounds of ribeye and a bag of potatoes, she grabbed me and spun me around—hiding behind me, I realized later.
"That guy talking to Lo," she said. "Is his name Timothy?"
Flustered, I answered, "Huh? No, that's Tim. I mean, I guess his name's Timothy, but nobody calls him anything but Tim."
"Where'd he come from? Did Lo bring him?"
"He used to be around. He's in school."
"Still?" I was going to ask what she meant, but suddenly her eyes filled with tears. She shoved the two bags at me and said, "Take this shit. I've got to go." A minute or two later, she texted me: Please don't say anything to anyone.
So she had a history with Tim. I gave Arcy the steaks and made some excuse for Greg. Nobody paid attention except Mike, who'd been with Greg fairly steadily for weeks. He followed her out, not buying my lame excuse.
Nobody else noticed but sharp-eyed Elaine. She quietly asked me, "Greg got a problem with Tim?"
"Seems to. She asked me not to let the world know."
"Tim only came to the University about two years ago. That means about a year before Greg came to town. Do you remember where he was before that?"
"UA Fayetteville, I think."
"Fayetteville. Do you know Greg's last name?"
"I don't even know her real first name."
"You don't? It's Hannah." She edged away, tapping at her phone, before I could reply.
For some reason Cherry blamed me for Greg leaving early, and got furious when I said I couldn't talk about it. I lashed back at how she seemed way more concerned about Greg than someone in a monogamous relationship should, and she slapped me. I went home alone that night, hurt and pissed off, and didn't see any of our group for nearly two weeks.
Then Tonya and David, our married couple, showed up at my door to say that Keith, Madlyn's new guy, was having his twenty-fifth birthday party at the House of Hog, and I was by God going to be there. I was bored with sulking, so after only token resistance I let them drag me out.
Everybody was there. Cherry ran up and hugged me, apologizing for not calling and for slapping me. Elaine hooked my arm and said, "We need to talk later." And Greg, to my astonishment, was absolutely glued to Tim. Mike was being a sullen third wheel with Loelia and Samuel, his eyes often on Greg.
I did a head-bob toward Greg and Tim, and Cherry told me, "They've been together for a week. She's crazy about him." Cherry seemed a bit pissed; monogamy was more of a style choice for her than anything.
I couldn't talk to Elaine until after the party broke up and a bunch of us went to David and Tonya's house. "Greg's up to something," she said without preamble. "She's screwing him, but she hates his guts."
"That's stupid."
"Look at this." She showed me an article on her phone: UA Student Cleared of Rape Charge, the headline read; the date was nearly three years ago. "She accused him of raping her. Cops said she fabricated the whole thing, just harassing him. She left U of A. Three years later, she's banging his ass."
"Okay, she's nuts. What'm I supposed to do about it?" Elaine just threw up her hands and walked away.
I wasn't convinced enough by Cherry's apology to take her home.
I watched Greg at the next few gatherings. She'd practically given up physical contact with anyone besides Tim; Lo dubbed the pair "Gregothy". Her face was pale, and her cheeks flushed; she looked genuinely feverish. But her energy and appetite were unflagging.
"She seems fine to me," I told Elaine one Saturday in Tray's back yard.
"She's up to something, I'm telling you."
"Well, if she is, it's not anything to do with us."
But it was. That afternoon Mike, who still hung with us but always stayed across the room from "Gregothy," suddenly blew up.
"Why do you let him touch you?" he screamed at Greg. "I know what he did to you!"
Greg went whiter than ever. The fevered red of her cheeks looked painted on, like a wooden doll. "You don't know shit," she snapped at him.
"Yeah, I do! My sister's a prof at Fayetteville!"
"I didn't know that," Cherry said to me. "Jesus, Arkansas's a small state." I shushed her, apprehensive but not sure why.
"You said he raped you! He got you expelled when the cops didn't believe you!"
"That's not why I was expelled." Her voice was low and icy and bitter.
"And I didn't rape her," Tim put in. "I oughta kick your ass just for saying that." But I saw Greg shoot him a look of pure white hatred while he was focused on Mike, and pure startled fear shot through me. What the fuck? Was Elaine right?
But when Tim turned back to her, Greg did her leg-high hug and gave him a huge kiss, grinding her crotch against his thigh.
Mike really lost it then. He charged at them, knocking Tim aside, knocking Greg right down in the grass. "Don't touch her!" He swung wildly at Tim, landing one punch in the ribs that left the taller man gasping.
By now Tray, Keith, and I were moving in to separate them. Greg was yanking at Mike's arm—he never even noticed her—so I grabbed her around the waist and lifted her aside. Her skin was burning hot. She was even thinner than I remembered—she felt nearly weightless, but I put that down to my adrenalized state.
When I dropped her and turned back to the fight, Tray was lying on the ground; Mike had accidentally backswung an elbow into him. I threw my arms around Tim, about to punch at Mike. Instead he kicked Mike hard in the belly, then kicked my feet out from under me.
Tim broke my hold and delivered another vicious kick to Mike's gut. Mike fell, curled into a ball and groaning. Loelia shrieked; Elaine held her back.
Tim's ear was bleeding, and he hugged his ribs. He pushed through us toward the gate to the front yard, limping and muttering, Lo's profanity pursuing him. Greg followed quickly, throwing a look of inexplicable triumph over her shoulder. Somehow, in the last moments of the fight, she'd grabbed a plate of Polish sausages from the table; she'd already gulped down most of one. Moments later, we heard Tim's car roar away.
Keith helped Tray to his feet, then they both pulled Mike into a chair. Madlyn came out of the house with a wet towel, but he pushed her hand aside, lurched to his feet, and staggered toward the gate. Madlyn tried to follow, and he waved her back angrily. We let him walk away.
In the amazed babble that followed, none of us noticed we didn't hear Mike's car. Not until ten minutes later, when Madlyn and Keith were leaving, did her screams alert us Mike had collapsed by his car at Tray's curb.
He was barely breathing, his pulse weak and fluttering. Keith had already called 911; an ambulance hauled Mike away within minutes. Elaine followed, carrying the distraught Loelia after her brother.
About an hour later, Elaine called me. Mike had died of massive abdominal hemorrhage from one or both of Tim's kicks. "She set this up," she said. "I don't get why, but Greg wanted a fight." I made some confused noise, and she went on, "Maybe she wanted Mike to kick Tim's ass. Mike's a lot stronger. Was." She hung up abruptly, crying.
We caught a shit storm from the police. Even Loelia agreed that Mike had swung the first punches; Tim had defended himself. But Mike's blood-alcohol level was .06, not DWI level—but completely unjustifiable for someone still three months shy of twenty-one.
The cops ripped us several new assholes over letting someone underage drink with us, and for letting him out of our sight after such a severe beating. If Mike and Lo's parents hadn't intervened, Tray might have been charged with furnishing alcohol to a minor, even though Mike had already been drinking before he arrived.
Tim and Greg got their share of official grief. All Sunday and Monday they holed up in Tim's apartment, refusing to take any calls from us or answer the door.
But Tuesday afternoon, while Tim was at work, I stood at his door, texting Greg, Not leaving till we talk over and over. She texted back: Take me to wendys. Moments later, she opened the door and stepped out.
In only three days, she'd grown positively skeletal. Her hair hung lank and dead. I could see the bones in her forearms and around her sunken eyes. Her febrile cheeks flamed more brightly than ever, but her forehead and throat were white and dry.
At Wendy's, mostly empty in mid-afternoon, the counter guy didn't even wait for her to order. A bag of Baconators with fries was on the counter in minutes. She took the bag and me to a table by the front window. Handing me one burger out of the dozen, she started taking huge bites, talking as she chewed.
"Doesn't matter any more," she began. "Fucker deserved it." More huge bites. "Not Mike. Timothy."
"Did he really rape you?"
"Ruined my life. Fucking murdered me. All I have left is their goddamn checks, and those stop if I say anything. I could go to federal prison for talking to you."
"Then—"
"Doesn't matter any more," she repeated. "It's done. I finally gave it to Timothy."
She'd been a low-level flunky in a research program, she told me, something the Department of Defense funded. She'd been doing basic lab work on human subjects: blood tests, metabolism and weight measurements, and so on, without any real knowledge of the project's goals. She'd met Tim there. They'd dated twice, then she'd turned down any repeats. He'd taken it badly.
She didn't understand details, but her computer records developed problems: data corrupted, strange files appearing. She'd run antivirus sweeps and found nothing. But the program director threatened to "drop me if I kept screwing up."
Tim had offered to fix her computer, but once in her dorm room he'd assaulted and raped her. When she called the police that night, Tim claimed she'd been harassing him, and revealed a series of emails sent from her university account. She'd never sent the emails.
She handed her laptop to DoD experts to prove the emails were sent from somewhere else. Instead they found hacking tools and evidence she'd violated the project's security protocols. In her room they found stolen project materials, including top-secret drug compounds.
Threatened with expulsion and prosecution, she'd blamed Tim for hacking her computer and planting evidence in her room. "He must have been screwing with my laptop the whole time," she told me.
Then she'd collapsed during an interrogation—and the DoD slapped her in quarantine. Tests showed she'd been contaminated with something. The DoD refused to say what; they didn't prosecute, but warned her she'd go to prison if she told anybody. They gave her a lifetime "disability pension."
"Fucker poisoned me, somehow. He must have put the shit in my room even before he raped me."
"So why are you telling me now?"
"Because it's gonna kill me. Whatever Timothy exposed me to, it's burning me up inside. I think it was some sort of metabolic enhancer, maybe supposed to make soldiers faster and stronger, Captain America shit; all it really does is make me eat forty times a day. If I don't eat, it burns me up." She was already on her eighth Baconator. "I wake up every couple of hours, all night long, every night, starving to death, burning up. I've got about fifty pounds of Oreos in my room right now."
"Jesus." It sounded absolutely crazy, but I'd never seen anybody eat the way she did. Yet she looked absolutely ravaged, like the last stages of unsuccessful chemotherapy.
"And it's contagious," she said. "After I got expelled, I went to North Little Rock, and a guy I dated there got the same thing. But he couldn't eat as much as I did, and he was a really heavy sleeper. One night he caught fire in bed. Burned right up; nearly burned me up too."
At that point I was ready to call bullshit on her. "You said Tim poisoned you before he raped you. Why didn't he catch it from you then?"
"Fucker used a condom. Rapists all use condoms these days. No DNA evidence." She shook her head. "Been trying to get him in bed for weeks, now. He loved having me kissing up to him, doesn't know I'm sick—I even told him I've got an IUD now. But he wouldn't fuck me. Three years ago he raped me; last week I couldn't give it to him." She smiled slowly, a dark, frightening smile. "But kicking Mike to death got him all hot. We spent all weekend in bed—unwrapped."
I'd taken two bites of my burger before her story stole my appetite. Now she picked it up and finished it off.
"I made sure Samuel and David and Mike always used a condom," she said. Her eyes suddenly filled. "Not that it saved Mike."
"What about Tim?"
"He ate two pounds of spaghetti and two boxes of my Ding-Dongs last night, and woke up starving at four. He took three more boxes of Ding-Dongs to work. He's fucking got it."
"So what now?"
"Now I wait for him to burn." She stood up. "Keep away from us. He's just getting what he deserves." Before she left, she stopped at the counter for another bag of Baconators.
I didn't know what to make of Greg's story. But that night I dreamed I found a metal handle on my chest. It opened into a furnace glowing orange, its hot blast roaring up my throat like a chimney. I poured in water; it glowed hotter. To appease it, to cool it, I fed fuel into my chest: shoes, books, my phone, dirty laundry. If I could feed it quickly enough, I knew, the furnace blaze would die.
I threw in giant hamburgers I found in my sock drawer, then the drawer itself, then my other drawers. Crying, I threw in Bart, the cat we'd had when I was twelve. I pulled up thousands of flowers from the yard; the furnace cooled but wouldn't die. Heat poured up my throat, burning my mouth and my brain, tasting of crocuses and chili powder.
Cherry sat on the couch, watching Frozen for the hundredth time. Desperate, sobbing with fear, I pulled her feet-first toward my chest. In the way of dreams, she shrank to fit the small hatch. I watched her burn, feet to shoulders like a softly-screaming cigarette.
At last I shoved in her head and neck, still screaming quietly, and slammed the hatch. I gulped down a glass of cold water, but it felt like flames in my throat, and tasted of Cherry.
I woke with my throat still afire, tasting of the chili Cherry had cooked for last night's supper—my worst attack of acid reflux in years. Shuddering, my face wet, I stroked Cherry's hair softly, hardly believing she was here. It was the first time she'd stayed the night since she slapped me; we'd done nothing but cuddle together.
Somewhere between Wendy's and now, I'd come to believe at least part of Greg's story: She was burning up from some Department of Defense magic formula. But I couldn't tell Cherry about it; she'd never believe a word. I needed to talk to Elaine.
Elaine's the only one I trust with my phone's location; even Cherry and I aren't linked (and she doesn't know Elaine and I are). Now I saw Elaine was apparently having breakfast at the Waffle House by the university, an unusual choice.
I dressed quietly. Cherry grumbled when I kissed her goodbye; she had an afternoon shift and wouldn't get up until eleven.
Crossing town, I texted Elaine I'd meet her for breakfast. My phone chimed an answer; I didn't look, busy navigating the scramble by the lake. (Some day the city council will admit these "historic" old houses aren't as important as a decent cross-town thoroughfare.)
Only after I pulled into Waffle House did I see that Elaine had sent back, FFS NO STAY AWAY. People huddled behind cars, phones aimed at the big windows. "Oh, shit," I said, and drove up on the sidewalk.
As I trotted toward the door, a guy in an apron grabbed my coat sleeve. "Don't go in, man." I heard sirens; a flashing Argenta PD car turned off Holly toward us. I shook off the cook and jerked open the door.
"See you got my message," Elaine called dryly, sitting cross-legged atop the counter. "Nice of you to drop by."
"Elaine, what the fuck?"
She jerked her head toward the grill. "Ask her."
Nervously I peeked over the counter. Several slices of bacon curled on the grill, black and smoking. Greg sat on the floor, holding a small, hefty-looking revolver. It was aimed at Tim, who leaned against the shelves beneath the register, surrounded by reeking puddles of vomit.
"Hey, dude," Greg said. "Come to see the fun?" Her face was hollow, her voice weak. Her skin flushed red, then paled, then flushed again. Clumps of her hair had fallen out around her.
I looked from her to Elaine. "Somebody's having fun?"
Tim coughed. "Screw the jokes—get that gun away from her!"
She casually raised it to point at Elaine, who hardly flinched. "Nobody's taking my gun."
I spoke slowly. "You won't shoot her." The twisting of my gut said I wasn't so sure.
"Yeah, she will," Elaine said. "But nobody's gonna take a chance on me getting hurt, so she won't have to." She spoke steadily, but her hand shook where it fiddled with a salt shaker. "And I'm not gonna leave till she's safe."
"Dead's pretty safe," Tim pointed out. He coughed again, retching up brown bile.
I realized he was as pale as Greg, with the same feverish color in his cheeks. And though long sleeves covered his arms, his neck and hands looked thin. "Jesus, it's true," I said.
"Yeah, Greg told me she'd told you," Elaine said. "I asked her to meet me for breakfast; I didn't know she'd bring a gun. And him."
"Why aren't you eating?" I asked Tim. "You're in a fucking restaurant!"
"Can't keep anything down," he groaned. He glared at Greg. "I don't get how she can eat the way she does. I ate two waffles, and threw 'em back up. I ate a steak, and it came up, too."
Greg nodded. "That's what happened to my boyfriend in North Little Rock."
"What's happening to you?" I asked.
"Exothermic reaction," Tim said. "Metabolism's screwed up, an artificial chemical reaction. But it makes too much heat, you gotta dilute it with ordinary blood sugars and shit. And I can't eat enough."
"From what I saw happen to Eric," Greg remarked, "I figure Timothy's got maybe ten minutes, maybe half an hour before he catches fire." She shrugged. "I can keep the cops talking that long." Her free hand snaked behind her, returned holding a metal pitcher, the kind the cooks kept waffle batter in. She raised it to her lips and drank deeply, gulping down maybe a pint of raw batter. "After that I don't care." Drips of dried batter spotted her T-shirt and crusted the ends of her lank hair.
In the two or three minutes since I came in, two cop cars had pulled up; officers were talking to people outside. Now one of them cautiously approached the door. "Remember," Elaine said to me. "I'm too scared to try to escape." She slid to the lower inside counter where the waitresses poured drinks and assembled orders. At that height, the morning sunlight made her squint and struck red lights from her dark hair. She still acted calm, but I caught the glint of tears.
I told the cop a girl had a gun on two of my friends. He ordered me outside. "Shit, no!" I told him. "I'm staying with Elaine; anyway"—I pointed to Greg out of his sight—"she trusts me to talk to." I climbed up to sit where Elaine had.
The sun slanted in the windows, glared blindingly off the polished tables. Starting to sweat, I pulled off my coat and tossed it over the jukebox.
"I wanna talk to my mama!" Greg suddenly shouted, her voice rasping. "Get me a phone! Get Mama on the phone!" She shouted a name. "She's in Little Rock! I wanna talk to her!"
The cop backed out, assuring me that negotiators were on the way. "Get Mama!" Greg shouted again. He vanished, obviously rattled. Greg laughed hoarsely. "Oughta take half an hour or so before they figure out she's dead."
Tim screamed, "You crazy bitch! Why don't you just shoot me?"
She gave him the deadest look I'd ever seen. "Cause I want you to burn. I like watching you sit there so scared you're pissing your pants." He had; I smelled more than vomit and waffle batter and burnt bacon. "You won't even come at me. If you grabbed at the gun I'd have to shoot you, but you're too scared even for that, even to get it over with."
She looked up at me. "I don't need the gun, not really. He's gonna burn anyway; he can't eat enough. But I want to watch; I don't want him stuck in quarantine where I can't see it."
The cop had come back to the door, to ask for my phone number, clearly ashamed he hadn't thought of it before. I felt bad for him; I doubt there've been three hostage crises in this town in his lifetime.
For a little while nothing happened except for Greg eating a stack of untoasted bread and Tim moaning about how hungry he was. She shoved the batter pitcher toward him; he took a few gulps, then twisted sideways to retch it up on the floor. Greg grinned, her cheeks hollow.
He looked at me. "I'm burning up, man," he groaned. "Gimme something to drink, for Chrissake."
A pitcher of ice water sat behind Elaine on the waitress counter. I reached for it, and Greg pointed her gun at me. "Don't you." I learned there was a whole new level of fear between seeing the revolver pointed at Elaine and seeing it aimed at me. I could die here, in this smelly kitchen, hot sun on my dangling legs.
I leaned back, my hands raised. Greg, satisfied, buttskooched sideways to a glass-fronted refrigerator, where she took out a jug of milk and a tub of blueberries. She chugged half a gallon of milk, then started eating blueberries by the fistful.
When my phone rang, I nearly fell off the counter in panic. It was the cop outside, telling me a negotiator was on the way. I barked at him not to bug me till he had real news.
"Hey!" Greg glared at Tim, whose eyes had half-closed. "Don't you pass out on me!" She threw blueberries at him; they left purple stains on his cheek, in his blond crewcut.
He looked at the scattered berries, then picked one up and flipped it toward Elaine. "Night Howlers!" he screeched, then started dizzily singing.
Elaine stared. "What the—"
I realized he was butchering Shakira's song, "Try Everything", from Zootopia. I'd never seen someone delirious from fever, but there was no mistake: Tim was raving. Greg threw another handful of berries, but he didn't notice, his eyes rolling up toward the sun dazzles on the ceiling tiles.
"No! Timothy!" Greg shouted. She kicked him, threw the whole tub of blueberries. "You sonofabitch! You fucker! Wake up! I'm killing you, you sonofabitch; don't you ignore me! Don't you fucking pass out! Timothy!"
He slid onto his side, then his back, lying in his own vomit, unfocused eyes darting back and forth across the ceiling. His skin was turning red, like a fresh sunburn. His lanky frame seemed swollen, as if his muscles were inflating.
"No, fuck no!" Greg grabbed the water pitcher she'd threatened to shoot me over, and poured it directly on his face—not all at once, but slowly enough I could see his skin pale as the ice water bathed it. "Timothy! Wake up!"
For a moment, she must have cooled his brain. His eyes focused. "Greg?" he said, in a tone of complete mystification. "Zat you?" Then his eyes rolled back and he began to moan and cry out wordlessly. Vomit gurgled from his mouth.
His blood-flushed hands bulged like he wore padded gloves. His sleeves and jeans legs stretched taut as sausages. His abdomen began to balloon, and suddenly I saw steam jetting from his mouth and nose. A moment later, the crotch of his jeans began to steam as well. His bladder must be boiling; I had a sudden, awful image of his dick screaming like a steamboat whistle.
Greg was slapping his face, still yelling for him to wake up. I grabbed Elaine's wrist and launched myself backward off the counter, toward the entrance. Elaine and I tumbled to the floor; I heard her shriek of pain as her arm broke against the jukebox.
But I've got no reason for regret: An instant later, with the bang of an overinflated basketball and the low whapping sound of a heavy bedspread being shaken, fire erupted over the counter. Greg's yells broke off; she stood up, her head covered in liquid fire, her hands swiping madly at her face.
Flames gushed higher, surrounding her; she toppled backward, out of sight. Droplets of fiery liquid fell around me and Elaine, spattering the floor between us and the exit. Contagious! I thought, panicky. I scrambled up, dragging Elaine by the hand; she continued to shriek as I pulled her down the row of booths toward the end windows. Greasy black smoke billowed after us.
The air was already becoming unbreathable, superheated and foul. I saw bundles of paper napkins burning on the shelves. Greg stood again, staggering blindly; over the counter I could see her flaming from head to waist. Her feet slipped and she went down, blazing arms flailing. I never saw any part of Tim, thank God, except flying gobbets of fire.
Another napalm-like burst threw flaming droplets into Elaine's hair; I dropped her to grab glasses of orange juice and cups of cool coffee off nearby tables, drenching anywhere fire touched her. I bent and grabbed her under the armpits; window glass shattered around me as I pulled her up, still screaming in pain. (I learned the next day that one of the cops outside took a panicked shot at me, thinking I was attacking her.) With the inflow of fresh air, the fire roared higher.
At the end of the row of tables, I grabbed a syrup pitcher and hurled it at a window; plastic, it bounced back. I tried again with a coffee cup and a couple of plates, then finally shattered the glass with someone's abandoned iPhone thrown edgeways like a ninja star. Two cops, catching on, met me outside the window; we were able to get Elaine out over the broken jags of glass. I clambered out myself, coughing and seeing black spots, to collapse into the gentle arms of paramedics.
Elaine and I both said as little as possible to the cops, either about Greg's "infection" or her botched vengeance on Tim. I've got no idea what sort of "incubation" period there might be, but I don't think either of us was exposed enough to catch it. But men in black suits will hear about Greg's fiery death, and come to question us.
I want to get this out there before we disappear into quarantine, something even our friends wouldn't find remarkable in the current COVID panic.
I don't know how long I have. In a TV show, the black SUVs would've shown up ahead of the fire trucks; in real life, the government can't track persons of interest that closely. I figure they probably monitored Greg's email and Facebook by computer, a live human checking on her every few months. But death by fire will get their attention.
Elaine should be writing this; even stoned on painkillers she's smarter. But not only did I break her arm, I sprained her other wrist yanking her around. She can't type for a week at least, and I don't think we've got that long.
Maybe it's the whole brush-with-death thing, maybe it's our shared secrets; shit, maybe it's just being the two smartest people in the gang, but Elaine and I are closer than ever. I want to see if we can make a go as a couple.
But I can't break up with Cherry right now, despite my suspicions about her lack of fidelity. She's been staying with me as I recover from the fire, sleeping on the couch because I cough so much. It wouldn't be fair to break up, not until I know for sure about her.
See, last night I woke up around one o'clock, to hear Cherry banging around the kitchen. I staggered out there to find her scrambling a ton of eggs. She gave me an apologetic hug; her skin was burning hot, feverish. Her cheekbones stood out like knives. "I didn't mean to bother you," she said, "but I woke up starving."
DTS
submitted by DrunkenTree to nosleep [link] [comments]


2020.03.12 06:23 nunu12484270 I hate to admit it

I’m a prideful person, which is why I don’t think I can admit this out loud to anyone who knows me personally. I keep saying to anyone who asks me, “Oh, I don’t have feelings for my FWB. I’m over him.” And, like some cliché, I think I do have feelings.
See, we did start out as kinda dating (predating, as I’d like to call it, the stage before you commit to a relationship), which didn’t work out for many reasons. So we became FWBs. I think I was still hurt about the predump for a few months into being FWBs. I hooked up with another guy (some rando on tinder), and I felt so free. It felt nice to not be tied down. I felt like I wasn’t being controlled by my emotions, which is something I’ve felt for the longest time. I realized that I had options, and I didn’t have to settle for this guy who had broken my heart once before.
But something changed over the last few months. We’ve hung out more often and gotten much closer. Our “casual intimacy” became almost a sort of habit? Instead of strictly meeting only for sex, we were meeting just to study or to cook together. In my head, it felt like we were in a relationship. We can do everything in the relationship handbook, but we can never have that title on us. He’d said so himself, that he would never date me. That was the line he drew.
Sometimes I like to imagine he’s just as attached as I am. When he jokes about being possessive or when we joke around while we fry egg rolls. But I know that’s not true. He always pushes me away when I make any form of physical contact in public. He will cancel meet ups with me if he doesn’t feel up to it. He lives his life via his own rules. He lives in moderation, with a sensible, realistic worldview. And I was the one who was too emotional, too needy, had too much baggage, and would not have a good future with him.
I tell my friends that the point of a FWB is to have someone safe to project on. I’ve always been projecting all my life, but I think I’m more than projecting now. It breaks my heart a little to know that I am way more invested in my feelings than he is. I just want that reality check that I’m not attached to him anymore. He knows I have feelings for him. I just want to stop feeling so heavy in my heart. I wish I could stop being dependent on someone else for my own needs and wants.
He told me that the reason he predumped me was how he hated that he felt that he was responsible for my happiness. How it was too much of a burden. I was too much of a burden. I wish I could villainize him, but he’s someone with real feelings and goals and the ability to not be someone pitiful like me. You always want what you can’t have, and he represents everything I could never be.
submitted by nunu12484270 to offmychest [link] [comments]


2020.02.20 13:51 Dragonflame1994 I'm pretty new to reddit, had my account for 2 years and just never used it, but it's really awesome to see there almost 1K devoted fans of Alice here. I'm going to see him live on June 27th so I've been listening to all of his music and figured I'd post my discography ranking here!

First let me start off by saying that being born and raised in Michigan I've been a casual fan of Alice Cooper almost my entire life just from hearing his classic hits played on the radio and listening to his own radio show, but it wasn't until my early 20s where I decided to venture into more of his music, learn all about his history and influence on the entire music industry and truly be blown away and it wasn't until just these past few weeks that I decided to binge through ALL of his music and that's when I truly became a super fan and decided to get tickets to see him!
There are very few musicians that I have as much respect and admiration for as I do for Alice. This man has been pushing boundaries in music for 50 years, he's had a massive influence on everyone from Bowie to the Sex Pistols, The Ramones, Megadeth, Savatage, Avantasia/Tobias Sammet, Marylin Manson, Rob Zombie and even Lady Gaga among countless others. That's not to mention how he can still put on one of the best and most energetic live shows even nowadays in his 70s (From what I've seen in live videos anyways) and even through it all he himself is still one of the nicest and most genuinely down to earth rock-stars ever, just watch any interview with him if you never have and you'll see what I mean.
Now onto the ranking!
Pretties for You (#27) I'm really not a big fan of that chaotic psychedelic sound and you can clearly tell the band was still trying to figure out what they wanted to do, no real standout tracks for me here
Easy Action (#26) A bit better and more focused than the debut, but still not much my style, it does have some solid tracks like Mr and Misdemeanor or Still No Air and Beautiful Flyaway is really pretty too.
Love It to Death (#9) Now this is where Alice and company truly started to show off their greatness, a monumental and influential album for '71. I'm Eighteen is an anthem of teenage rebellion for the ages and Ballad of Dwight Fry is super creepy, especially the part where Alice is screaming I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! over and over, you really feel like you're listening to a patient from a mental hospital. I also love the weird experimental Black Ju Ju. Love It to Death is just an all around amazing album
Killer (#3) A true masterpiece! Every single song on this is super catchy and fun. Under My Wheels is just a flat out classic and one of the best hard rock songs ever and Be My Lover isn't too far behind it. Desperado does a great job of nailing that spaghetti western vibe, Halo of Flies proves that the Alice Cooper band could've gave King Crimson a run for their money if they decided they wanted to become a prog rock band, just a pure epic suite. Dead Babies is a profound, yet unsettling rocker about child neglection. I could mention all the other tracks too if I wanted, but let's just leave it at the album is just....Killer ;)
School's Out (#21) It's not bad, but it's far from great too and coming after the masterpiece that Killer was it seems even more disappointing. That said, School's Out still remains one of his biggest hits and it does deserve the praise. I also really enjoy My Stars, but aside from those the album seems pretty forgettable (And I literally just listened to it last night lol)
Muscle of Love (#22) Basically the same as School's Out, but this album doesn't have the greatness of the title track to prop it up either. My biggest standout would be The Man With the Golden Gun because it reminds me of the James Bond film of the same name
Billion Dollar Babies (#5) Damn near as good as Killer! No More Mr Nice Guy gets as much radio play as it does for a reason, another all time rock classic song and my fave on the album, but I Love the Dead is another great song, a song about necrophilia shouldn't be that epic haha. Elected is another song I could never get tired of. This whole album is just tons of fun through and through!
Welcome to My Nightmare (#1) Alice's magnum opus and my all time favorite rock album! Gonna try to keep this short because I could type up 5 paragraphs on why this album is perfect. Welcome to My Nightmare is a perfect opener, great Doors like atmosphere and very theatrical, leading into Devil's Food which has VINCENT PRICE doing a huge monologue on it, how could you not love that?! Connecting directly into The Black Widow my fave song on the album, the riff is so catchy and heavy especially for the 70s! Some Folks is still one of Alice's most theatrical tracks to date and could easily be in a musical. Only Women Bleed is one of the most beautiful ballads ever. Oh and the Steven Trilogy is some of the creepiest music ever in both concept and execution.
Alice Cooper Goes to Hell (#8) Not exactly the fitting successor to WtMN, but certainly not as bad as people make seem to be and I love the whole 'Dante's Inferno' type concept. Go to Hell is rocking opening track. My fave Give the Kid a Break has a nice theatrical almost 50s 'doo-wop' style to it and I love the Alice vs (Deeper voice Alice) Devil trade-off verses. Guilty is another great rocker and Wish You Were Here has some Disco like beat with a catchy chorus and a catchier riff. Great album!
Lace and Whiskey (#6) Criminally underrated. The concept on this one is far looser than his last two and it's more just a theme based around 40s-50s music and pop culture. The first two songs It's Hot Tonight and Lace and Whiskey are the only two that really follow with the crime noir heavy drinkin PI concept, but they're great songs, memorable main riffs and nice choruses with some stage theatrics. Damned if You Do has almost a Johnny Cash vibe to it and I personally love that. King of the Silver Screen is my fave song on the album, love the references to classic movies and the combination of 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' woven into the song. Also have to give props to Alice for writing the best ABBA song that Abba never wrote, that being (No More) Love At Your Convenience of course.
From the Inside (#16) It's a great album and I feel bad for putting it so low, but I just prefer others more. If Lace and Whiskey didn't prove to the world how diverse Alice was as a songwriter being able to mix Country, Rockabilly, Disco, Hard Rock and Broadway theatrics all on one album, this one surely showed it because this is basically an Elton John album with Alice at the helm lol. The Quiet Room is a big standout for me, the lyrics are pretty great, even if a bit disturbing and Serious is another great track and its chorus was probably pretty much an autobiography for Alice at the time.
Flush the Fashion (#25) His first real misstep since his Psychedelic days IMO. Clones, Leather Boots and Model Citizen are really the only songs I can ever remember from this album and they're pretty fun songs. It's just not a super memorable album overall to me personally, but at least he got much better at that New Wave style later on
Special Forces (#20) As I said, he got better at the New Wave style. Still not great, but overall very solid and nothing I'd skip on the album. My biggest standout tracks on this album are Who Do You Think We Are? which has a bit of a DEVO style to it, Prettiest Cop on the Block and Skeletons in the Closest which are pretty reminiscent of David Bowie all very catchy songs and the lyrics are quite poignant too.
Zipper Catches Skin (#24) Only slightly better than Flush the Fashion, but still a pretty meh album. Zorro's Ascent, Tag You're It and Make that Money are the highlights here for me. The album suffers from the same problem as Flush the Fashion and most songs just blend together and it becomes very forgettable.
DaDa (#13) The best of all his New Wave albums, it's catchy and creepy at times and the fact Alice doesn't even remember making it due to his black out period makes it even creepier. The first song DaDa could classify as proto-Dungeon Synth IMO. Former Lee Warmer and I Love America are my faves, both being very cinematic, one in a creepy way and the other in a comical way. Enough's Enough is probably the catchiest and one of the only times off hand I can think of that Alice said 'Fuck' in a song lol. Oh I also love Scarlet and Sheba with its very exotic instrumentation. Very happy to see this album has a nice cult following online, it's great!
Constrictor (#15) I see a lot of hate for this one and I personally love it. There are a few unmemorable tracks to be sure, but overall it's a fun album. Teenage Frankenstein is better than Feed My Frankenstein don't @ me. He's Back is also a huge standout. Simple Disobedience and The World Needs Guts are both just pure 80s aggression, very catchy songs with great rebellious lyrics.
Raise Your Fist and Yell (#2) Yeah you read that right. Easily my 2nd fave after WtMN. I'm unapologetic when it comes to my love of 80s glam metal and this is just one of the best album to ever be written in that style as far as I'm concerned. It's a perfect slab of catchy 80s aggressiveness. Freedom is the ultimate 80s rebellion anthem, Lock Me Up is ridiculously cheesy from the intro of Robert Englund naming off Alice's crimes and asking him how he pleads to Alice proudly sneering "GUILTY" and then Englund's over-the-top laugh, always gets a smile on my face, plus the chorus is infectious. Give the Radio Back, Prince of Darkness and Time to Kill are also big standouts, but the best has to be Roses on White Lace which combined that creepy 70s horror aesthetic Alice was known for with the catchy 80s glam sound.
Trash (#19) This is his weakest of the glam era, I don't get the praise for it over the others. Some great standouts like House of Fire or This Maniac's In Love With You and I admit the singles Poison and Bed of Nails are fun songs too, but then it has some of his WORST songs like I'm Your Gun or Trash it's such a mixed bag of an album for me
Hey Stoopid (#11) The second best of his glam era and with an all star guest musician list like Steve Vai, Joe Satriani and Vinnie Moore you'd have to try to make a bad album, which this is not. Hurricane Years is my fave track and easily among his most underrated, the ballad Might As Well Be On Mars is beautiful as well and the song Hey Stoopid with its anti-drug message is another fave.
The Last Temptation (#10) Another damn near masterpiece as far as I'm considered and a very underrated album. Tracks like Sideshow or Nothing's Free are among his best and the closing track Cleansed By Fire is just beyond epic
Brutal Planet (#12) Alice goes Industrial Metal and does his best damn Marylin Manson impression (Funny considering Manson was initially very influenced by Alice lol) Amazing album through and trough, but the title track Brutal Planet has to be among his heaviest tracks, killer riff, great solo and Alice sounds just as awesome as ever too. Another big stand out is the comical It's the Little Things I especially love the little lyrical callbacks to older songs.
Dragontown (#17) It's basically a victory lap of the Brutal Planet sound, but not quite as good. Still a very good album IMO though. Triggerman is a super catchy song, Dragontown the song is also very unsettling and totally fits the depiction of Hell that Alice was going for. I also love Fantasy Man as well, especially the tongue-in-cheek lyrics and how can you not love DiscGraceland where Alice does his best Elvis impression lol
The Eyes of Alice Cooper (#14) Alice's first foray back into his old-school garage rock sound since the 70s and it's not too far away from some of his 70s stuff! My biggest standout tracks are What Do You Want from Me which has an amazing chorus and is just a very high octane song and Detroit City which just rocks!
Dirty Diamonds (#18) Another victory lap album, but this time of Eyes. It's nowhere near as good as Eyes, but it's still very solid and The Saga of Jesse Jane is easily among my fave songs from Alice, he does a great Johnny Cash impression on this one. Steal that Car is also a very fun rocking track.
Along Came a Spider (#4) I'm probably one of the only people on Earth who would put this album in their top 5, but I absolutely love it, it's a damn near perfect album. The concept is his most creepy one since Welcome to My Nightmare and ALL the songs are super fun and catchy. Catch Me If You Can and Wrapped in Silk are my faves, but I also have to give props to the Beatles like ballad Killed By Love.
Welcome 2 My Nightmare (#7) Another masterpiece of the 21st century for Alice. Not quite as good as the first Nightmare because literally nothing is, but this one is a damn great successor. It's bombastic and some might say pompous, but it's also his most theatrical since The Last Temptation and the only one to experiment with many different genres since Lace and Whiskey. My fave tracks are Disco Bloodbath Boogie Fever which a lot of people hate, but it's ridiculously catchy and I love Alice's 90s rapping parody on it, What Baby Wants is also a super fun song and I love Kesha's part on it, but my all time fave track on the album and a top 10 fave from Alice in general is Last Man On Earth it's an amazing Dark Cabaret track that sounds like it could've been written and performed by Tom Waits
Paranormal (#23) Alice's weakest of the 2000-2010s era. It's ok, but most of it is just very standard to me and nothing super special. However it does have the big standout tracks of Dynamite Road and Holy Water what can I say, I love Alice at his most Broadway and theatrical and those songs are without a doubt some of his most from this whole era.
So in list format, it looks like this.
  1. Welcome to My Nightmare
  2. Raise Your Fist and Yell
  3. Killer
  4. Along Came A Spider
  5. Billion Dollar Babies
  6. Lace and Whiskey
  7. Welcome 2 My Nightmare
  8. Alice Cooper Goes to Hell
  9. Love It To Death
  10. The Last Temptation
  11. Hey Stoopid
  12. Brutal Planet
  13. DaDa
  14. The Eyes of Alice Cooper
  15. Constrictor
  16. From Inside
  17. Dragontown
  18. Dirty Diamonds
  19. Trash
  20. Special Forces
  21. School's Out
  22. Muscle of Love
  23. Paranormal
  24. Zipper Catches Skin
  25. Flush the Fashion
  26. Easy Action
  27. Pretties for You
submitted by Dragonflame1994 to alicecooper [link] [comments]


2020.02.18 00:17 stiv-apologist The wife of HaberdasherA

I've compiled most of the mentions of HaberdasherA's fiance/wife from before the creation of the SamandTolki subreddit (Oct 2014). Some have already been posted here (h/t dredd and TF). I was mostly interested in obtaining any consistent personal details of HaberdasherA's wife and to see what context HaberdasherA will mention his wife.
The most interesting finding: There are inconsistencies within HaberdasherA's postings regarding the timing of his marriage. In Feb. 2013 he mentions his "girlfriend's feet", while in Jun 2013 those feet now belong to his "wife". In Feb. 2014 he mentions his fiance in two unrelated comments, while in Mar 2014 and Apr 2014 Haber is now married. So, either HaberdasherA has been married twice (divorced once) in the span of one year, he is a polygamist, or he is a liar and has no wife.
Some typical reasons why HaberdasherA will mention his wife:
Here are some physical characteristics and personal details of HaberdasherA's wife:
In a previous post, HaberdasherA discusses his foot fetish, we found HaberdasherA confessing his love of his girlfriend's, and then wife's, feet. Originally, I had thought these two comments indicated an approximate date on which Haber was married.
Reddit, what is your favorite smell? [Removeddit]
My girlfriend's feet after she gets home from work.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Fri, 15 Mar 2013 05:45:09
What is something you act like you hate, but secretly love? [Removeddit]
my wife's feet. I pretend I dont like always having to give her a foot massage but secretly Im hard the entire time. Also when she gets home from the gym and puts her dirty stinky socks in my face i pretend i hate the smell and cant stand it but really I cant get enough.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Tue, 18 Jun 2013 08:53:34
However, one year later, we find HaberdasherA engaged to be married, and by March 2014, HaberdasherA is once again reveling in wedded bliss.
Found this stump that looks like Cthulhus skull [Removeddit]
Judging from your post history, it looks like you've been posting comments and threads in /twitchplayspokemon as well. so you're probably just projecting on how everyone's lifes gonna be after the stream ends based on your own life. personally, me and my fiancee have been following it for a few days and its fun but its not gonna affect my work or class schedule if it ends or not.
you on the other hand look like you have no life at all. every 10 hours or so you go on a 12 hour posting spree which is usually negative bullshit or telling others to "get a girlfriend". spending 12 hours straight on reddit on a weekday, you must have a lot going on in your life lol.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Thu, 20 Feb 2014 12:48:59
Here, HaberdasherA is responding to a png of a comment in the twitchplaypokemon chat room [A].
Who Else is fed up with this dipshit? [Removeddit]
thats funny, last time i checked i was engaged, lived with my fiancee, and helped run a small business for money.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Wed, 26 Feb 2014 05:21:53
The infamous LA nightclub story.
Found on Twitter [Removeddit]
i have seen that happen before though, just not in clothing stores. mostly clubs. once i was out with my wife back when we were just dating. I wanted to take her to one of my favorite clubs in LA but when we got to the door the bouncer wouldn't let her in. he claimed it was because she was wearing jeans and girls needed to wear a dress to get in or something, but i knew it was because she was 250lbs at the time.
now in case you guys wanna say "you don't know for sure it was because she was fat" well yeah i do actually. he said she couldnt wear jeans into the club, but a group of women who were in front of us all got in wearing jeans. also when we were waiting outside after being told we couldnt get in, my wife was complaining and a 2nd bouncer came out.
he asked what the problem was and the other bouncer started talking to him in hebrew. what they didn't know is that i know some hebrew and i heard him say "shalmuta gadol" which basically means "fat whore" or "this whore is too big".
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Sun, 16 Mar 2014 11:36:37
Haber's wife prefers 460lbs 5'7 little boys.
The winks are so passive aggressive I can't even handle it. [Removeddit]
i showed this to my wife, she said shes not into 120lbs 5'4 little boys
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Tue, 15 Apr 2014 23:20:21
You can see in the Removeddit link that the OP of the following post is HaberdasherA. In the comments, one user calls HaberdasherA out on his bullshit. The following comment was originally much longer, edited to emphasize the part about his wife. I suggest reading the submission and comments. In the AdviceAnimals image [A] (a "So I got that goin for me, which is nice" meme), HaberdasherA mentions growing up with abusive parents in a broken down apartment. So, what happened to grandpappy's ranch?
Whenever i hear people talk to me about all the "white privileged" I have. [Removeddit]
[..]
> OP started working age 9, he got into several highly probable incidents at school and is reported for stalking and sexual harassment for normal everyday behavior. He is working full time to keep a roof over his head since he was age 15, he also played halo 2 on a semi-competitive level for 3 years/50000+ games, played world of warcraft for 6 years, he also went to college and inbetween he had a 250lbs girlfriend and they went clubbing in LA. Oh and on his first sleepover, when he was 18, his friends mom forced diapers on him. Wonder what OPs wife says about all of this?
yeah you're mostly correct. except that wasn't my first sleep over that was my friends first sleep over. By the way my wife was the 250lbs girl who i went clubbing with back when that happened, that was before we were married. if you check my posts from over 6 months ago i was referring to her as my fiancee.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Tue, 29 Apr 2014 22:37:33
HaberdasherA gets indignant at the thought of his wedding pictures being posted to reddit [A].
I know I'm not a pretty girl but I've never been so happy in my life [Removeddit]
Oh wow what a /shitpost. Me and my wife don't look like super models either, but we don't post to reddit fishing for compliments like this. I don't even know why I'm saying this, OP isn't even in the fucking picture. http://imgur.com/3hNZjom
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Fri, 09 May 2014 05:35:31
A someone who was recently married im just thinking how i would feel if someone on the internet stole my wedding pictures, posted it on reddit while posing as me or my wife, and wrote an insulting title.
I don't know about you, but I think thats a really fucked up thing to do. But its okay because this is reddit, right? Just let meomeo off the hook so he can do it again and again to more people.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Fri, 09 May 2014 07:38:15
And i posted my wedding pictures to facebook. does that give some loser on the internet the right to pose as me or my wife on another website? you guys have no clue what is socially acceptable.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Fri, 09 May 2014 09:12:51
HaberdasherA cops out.
Woman attacks short men. Man responds by bashing fat women. She says she'll call the cops. [Removeddit]
truth is this is how the vast majority of women feel. she just decided to actually admit it, instead of being nice. I'm below 5'8 myself and I had to deal with being rejected for 10 years (nearly every time because of my height) before i finally started dating the my wife.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Fri, 16 May 2014 21:53:50
Checkmate, feminists.
#YesAllWomen: facts the media didn't tell you [Removeddit]
first of all im married and nearly 30 years old now, so there goes your "friendzoned virgin" ad hominem. Back when i was in college i heard the same thing, feminists took over the skeptics club i was in and demanded i be kicked out because i didn't think elevatorgate was sexual assault.
I don't get my opinions on feminists from the internet, they have ruined their reputation before i even joined this site.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Mon, 09 Jun 2014 21:39:57
NEWSFLASH: HaberdasherA did not have sex with 20 women per week before meeting his wife.
Happened to my best friends younger brother. He's 22 and still a virgin. [Removeddit]
I'm not saying I had sex with 20 women a week before i met my wife. but its seriously not hard to get into a relationship and have sex. there has to be something wrong with you if you can't even get with a woman ONCE when you're over 20 years old.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Sun, 18 May 2014 06:54:58
HaberdasherA's wife has self-esteem.
She still thinks only women have to deal with society's "unreasonable standards of beauty" [Removeddit]
in my experience its always the fat/ugly chicks who are the most shallow. I'm not sure why this is, but i think its because they know they're ugly so they only want to hook up with the tallest/hottest guy they can find so they can prove to themselves that they have self worth. its pretty pathetic how women base their self worth on the height of the guy whos dating them.
meanwhile, most average looking or good looking women actually do prefer personality over anything. I'm not tall at all, and when i was in highschool and early college every girl i dated always brought up my height as the main issue for why they no longer wanted to see me.
But when i met my wife she said she didn't care that she was taller than me. she also happened to be the best looking woman i ever went on a date with and the only one who didn't constantly talk about how much she hated her body.
TL;DR unattractive women go for tall guys because they hate themselves and want to prove something. Attractive women go for personality over looks because they have self esteem.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Thu, 12 Jun 2014 22:00:00
HaberdasherA turns down casual sex because he was engaged. He apparently didn't get the memo.
One of my female friends said she doesn't like that I have a girlfriend because she can't fall back on me when her night goes wrong. [Removeddit]
women think they are so entitled to sex because they are used to getting everything they want. I once i had a girl i know get mad at me because i refused to have sex with her at a casual friend's party. my reason? i was engaged and didn't want to cheat on my fiancee. her response? "you're a guy, you're not supposed to have a choice you just fuck whatever you get".
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Sun, 22 Jun 2014 01:12:58
#notallsupermodels
My cousins prom date left her for another girl. This was the couples pic she posted after. [Removeddit]
Or maybe the guy is mature enough at this point not to just care about looks? In my life I've spent time with hot girls with shitty/boring personalities who answer everything with one word answers and expect you to do everything because they feel like you owe them something just for being in their presence. It's much better to hang out with a girl who actually is an interesting and fun human being regardless if they look like a supermodel or not.
That's why i married my wife, she may be 200+ lbs right now and not be considered "hot" by most people but she is fun to be around and doesn't think shes better than everyone else.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Sat, 05 Jul 2014 22:26:51
HaberdasherA's wife reportedly broke her back after carrying Haber through this entire exchange.
TIL in 2013 a female professor gave a public lecture on men's issues at the University of Ottawa. She was repeatedly interrupted by a group of about 30 students shouting and blasting horns. The talk was moved to another room, but somebody pulled the fire alarm, which effectively shut it down. [Removeddit]
> I'd have just scrolled past this mess of ignorance the same as every other woman on Reddit every day.
Not every woman is a crybaby feminist like you, sorry to break it to you. Oh, and that includes my wife so don't give me any angry virgin neckbeard bullshit like you've been saying to other guys on here.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Mon, 07 Jul 2014 09:20:29
> millions of women who complain about the male gaze are all having a bout of mass delusion
A few million people out of 7 billion suffering from social anxiety disorders and victim complexes? doesn't sound like a stretch to me. Just ask my wife who has been working since she was 16 and hasn't been babied her whole life about how a male simply looking at her reduces her to a sobbing mess on the floor in the fetal position.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Mon, 07 Jul 2014 09:30:31
> You describe women in one set of derogatory terms
No i didn't, I said not every woman is a wannabe victim like you. My wife included.
> I hope you give her the respect and understanding every human being deserves.
Considering im not a feminist and she isn't a male, I already do. Maybe you could learn something from women like her and realize its better to be an independent mature adult instead of someone who looks in every nook and cranny for examples of how they're a victim.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Mon, 07 Jul 2014 09:58:30
HaberdasherA enjoys being humiliated by his wife.
What sexual fetish can you just not understand? [Removeddit]
its a bullshit reason with no proof to back it up, yet its constantly mentioned whenever foot fetishes come up. If that really were the case then just as much women as men would have a foot fetish, but the vast majority of people with a foot fetish are men. Other people say its because when a woman is lying on her back having sex then her feet are usually up and exposed. so over thousands of generations males have come to associate exposed bare soles in their face as "im about to have sex".
personally for me the only reason i like my wife's feet is because its humiliating. But if i didn't have a humiliation fetish then i honestly don't see a reason why i would like feet.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Sun, 20 Jul 2014 05:49:18
HaberdasherA would rather spend the night playing Mario Kart with his wife, who loves him, in their shitty apartment.
Happy with your life? Meet Dan Bilzerian then [Removeddit]
only funny thing was the last pic, the rest is just some dude who pays escorts to hang around him and take pictures with him. I rather spend the night playing mario kart with my wife who loves me in our shitty apartment than take a bunch of pics with chicks who don't give a shit about me.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Mon, 21 Jul 2014 06:00:53
HaberdasherA dabbles in boomer humor with this DAE.
Girlfriend Logic. [Removeddit]
My favorite with my wife is:
She doesn't remember something = I never told her and im lying about it. im forced to apologize.
I don't remember something = She definitely told me, I just wasn't listening because I never listen. im forced to apologize.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Thu, 31 Jul 2014 22:09:57
Apparently, some one wants to see HaberdasherA naked [A].
4chan on CNN [Removeddit]
right, thats why i have a wife.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Tue, 02 Sep 2014 06:59:58
HaberdasherA's wife sits on his face.
Don't talk it up if you don't mean it. [Removeddit]
this is probably true. My wife is into a lot of my fetishes but not all of them. A few months ago i took her out to a really fancy expensive dinner and on the drive back him i asked if she would sit on my face when we got him. She agreed to do it because of how nice the dinner was, she only did it for about 12 seconds (i think) so im still kinda pissed about how short it lasted but at least she did it.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Sat, 13 Sep 2014 07:23:21
HaberdasherA explains the secret to a successful marriage.
A YouTuber celebrates his 1000th video in spectacular fashion. [Removeddit]
they wont get married, she will break the engagement. You need to have your woman extremely conditioned and have a wedding planned within 2 months at the max for an engagement to work.
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Tue, 16 Sep 2014 02:02:51
HaberdasherA describes a typical exchange between him and his wife after a long day of "work".
What are you thinking about? [Removeddit]
response i get from my wife 95% of the time: "nothing"
response i get the other 5% of the time: "i dont know"
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Tue, 30 Sep 2014 08:58:33
Uh oh, HaberdasherA. I hope you and your wife started working on your communication!
Married redditors/long-time partners, what is the best piece of advice you could offer to a couple? [Removeddit]
Communicate
If you have any convos that go something like this, then your relationship will fail:
hey how was your day?
okay
oh, well I had a pretty busy day myself, finished a lot of work.
yeah
Are you feeling okay, you dont seem very talkative? do you wanna tell me whats bothering you?
Im fine.
are you sure? you dont sound okay, you know you can tell me if anything's wrong.
K
Reddit [A] Removeddit [A] Tue, 19 Feb 2013 04:07:16
submitted by stiv-apologist to HaberdasherA [link] [comments]


2020.02.10 20:55 methodwriter85 If A Late Gen X mallrat had a blog...

If A Late Gen X mallrat had a blog...
I got this idea from that rather hilarious 70's mom blog. So grab an Orange Julius and enjoy.
https://preview.redd.it/x0bte7uqg5g41.png?width=822&format=png&auto=webp&s=da9f2b3d06db7c97f0f804c82919968089f155e7
Sunday, July 7, 1991 1:00 p.m.
Dear Diary,
Saturday is always my favorite day, especially during the summer. Yesterday I woke up around 10:00 a.m. and put on my favorite outfit- stonewashed jeans, my aqua and purple vertical striped t-shirt from the Gap, my button-down shirt with pink and blue pin-stripes from Macy's, and purple Converse sneakers. I completed my outfit with my purple zebra slap bracelet (they are totally safe and those news stories are full of shit) and my peace sign necklace. Mom doesn't like me wearing them because Dad is in the military (don't worry, he wasn't in the Gulf) and she's always reminding me that I can't bring it with me when Nicole and I visit him in Spain in two weeks. Then I messed with my hair after working some Dep into it. I really wanted to look like Zach Morris on Saved by the Bell, but I'm afraid it wasn't that good. I wish Mom would let me bleach my hair so I could do that surfer look, but she said that look is going to look retarded on me because my hair is black and that if I ever bleached my hair like his, she'd buzz off all my hair.
After I got dressed, I went to the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of Cookie Crisp and Sunny D. The kitchen looks so cool now- mom had it redone so that we have all white appliances, white cabinets, white titles, and forest Green countertops. Anyway, I went down to the den to watch the Brady Bunch reruns on TBS. I was in the middle of the episode where Jan turns into a total bitch after winning Ms. Popularity when Mom came into the the den. She said she was taking me to the mall because she had a date with Robert. He was apparently taking her to Wildwood and they were going to be gone all day. Nicole was already off to work at Sizzlers. She's working doubles because she wants spending money for the trip to Spain, plus she's planning a trip to the Jersey Shore with her friends for the week before Labor Day.
So Mom dropped me off at the Mall and said to have fun, but to just say no if any strangers offered me drugs. I just rolled my eyes because I overheard Mom snorting cocaine with her other boyfriend Stan once when they thought I was asleep. She handed me fifty bucks and her Mac card "just in case". Anyway, first thing I hit up was Arby's so I could get their eggs/bacon/cheese crossiant sandwhich. (Luckily they were still serving breakfast.) Then I went over to The Wall to listen to some music for about an hour...I really like that one song "More Than Words" by Extreme, and that Bryan Adams song from that Robin Hood movie. I wound up buying both of those singles for my walkman, which I put inside my backpack. I also listened to Paula Abdul's new cd. Pretty rad album, but I had already gotten her "Rush Rush" single. (Keanu Reeves was so cool in that video- I wonder if he'll still be around in thirty years, though? I don't think he's as good of an actor as River Phoenix or Christian Slater.)
Then I browsed the CVS- why does that place smell so bad? I mean, it's like a pharmacy and it always smells like mildew. I got Planter's cheese balls and Mountain Dew, and then I went over to the fountain by Strawbridge's to sit down and eat. It's the really cool fountain- the one that's like 15-20 feet high and you can walk along the ledge to get to the other side. Always fun to do that. Then I threw a penny with my birthyear (1978) on it and made a wish. (Can't tell you or it won't come true!) Then I just walked around Strawbridge for a bit- even went outside so I could look at that really cool clock tower they have. Didn't really see anything there that I liked, though.
So then I walked into Waldenbooks and browsed through a couple of books. I read some of my favorite books- "The Babysitter" by R.L. Stine, "The Face on the Milk Carton" by Caroline B. Cooney, and "Remember Me" by Christopher Pike. Luckily, Gladys the cashier wasn't there- she's the one who really embarrassed me last week because she said that I can't keep buying Sweet Valley High books, reading them, and taking them back. Anyway, Jeff the manager there seems to like me, and even told me it's okay to read the books as long as I'm careful not to bend the cover and put them back when I'm done. I usually go all the way into the back of the store when I read. Sometimes Jeff will come over to me and pat me on the arm and call me "Buddy". One time he even asked me when my birthday is (I turn 13 in December) and that he wanted to buy me a Gap sweater that he thought would look good on me. He's so weird but think he's just a sad old 30-year old lonely dude, so it's okay.
Anyway, by the time I was done reading, it was about 3 p.m. and I got hungry again. I went back over to the food court and got a slice of pepperoni at Sbarro's, a soda from the Haagen Daczs, and those bacon cheese fries that are absolutely heavenly at Surfside Fries. Then I walked over to Champions arcade and played skeeball for a bit. I ran into my friend Jason and we played Air Hockey, but then I left because I said I wanted to buy a new shirt.
That's when the Mac card comes in. I got more cash so I could buy that really cool white Calvin Klein t-shirt I saw at Macy's, and some new Guess jeans as well. (I was so glad I bought my green Nike backpack with me.) After that I went over to the pet store they have by Contempo Casuals to watch some puppies play, as well as see that iguana they have. I stopped by in the Gap, too, but I didn't see anything I liked. Nothing in Merry Go Round, either- they were out of the hypercolor t-shirts I wanted to buy.
I wound up going to JC Penney's and bought yellow pair of Converse sneakers- they were on sale for only 20 bucks. It will be so cool when I go to Spain and wear my purple left Converse with my yellow right Converse and new stonewashed Guess jeans. (I WILL get a Hypercolor shirt before the trip- I want the blue one that turns green.) Then I went to Spencer's Gifts- it is so funny to go there because of the joke sex toys and those "Hunky" men calendars. I think I might buy Nicole one for her 16th birthday in November.
At this point- I went to the new wing they put up at the mall- it's so dope. Wanamakers moved in, and the new wing has really cool palm trees and a brand-new fountain as well. Then I walked over to Wilson's Leather and tried on a really cool brown bomber leather jacket- 300 bucks though, so no way, Jose, as my mother would say. I did think I looked a little bit like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. He is so cool. Then I went over to Saturday Matinee. I wound up renting some Corey Haim movie- the one he did with the other Corey.
At this point, it was almost 6 o'clock, so I went over to the General Cinema by the food court so I could catch a movie. I met up with Jason and Amber, a girl we know from school. Luckily my 16-year old cousin Scott works there and the general manager always leaves at like 5 p.m., so he snuck us in so we could watch Robin Hood for free again. I love that movie- I think Kevin Costner is so cool. He kind of reminds me of my dad, a little bit. (Well, if my dad was a mega-movie star like Kevin Costner, of course!) And of course, you can't forget Christian Slater. That dude is going to be such a star someday, I can feel it!
After the movie, Amber had to go home because her stepdad found Jesus so she has to be up at 6 a.m. to attend church. She's lucky enough that she lives in the condo complex right by the mall- all she has to do is cut through the golf course to get home in like 10 minutes. I hung out with Jason for a little bit longer at the food court. I got an Arby's sandwhich and Curley fries, an Orange Julius, and a Cinabon. (I wish Cinabon was closer to the food court- why is it located all the way by the Hanover shoe store?) At about 9:40, the mall security came up and said the mall was closed so we had to go home. Since the last bus doesn't leave until 10:30 Jason and I stood outside the mall entrance and tried to see if there were any leftover cigarette butts that were still smoking in the ash trays that they set up on top of the cement garbage cans by the payphones. We hit a jackpot and puffed for a little. That's when Jason said we should walk over to the dumpster area behind the movie theater to see if Scott was done cleaning up the concession stand. Scott wasn't, but he and his co-worker Kevin were outside drinking Jungle Juice inside a Gatorade bottle they had spiked. They left us take a couple of sips and laughed when Jason almost immediately rolfed . They told him that he should stick to wine coolers and that made Jason mad so we walked over to the bus stop to wait. Luckily Jason lives in the same subdivision as me so we took the same bus. It dropped us off right by the 7/11 near the entrance of our development. We got Slurpees and I also got the Chunkee Monkey Ben and Jerry's to eat when I got home.
I was home by about a quarter after 11. I left my mom's MAC card on the kitchen table, then went back down to the den and started watching episodes of Kids Incorporated that I had taped while eating my Ben and Jerry's. I also watched the New Mickey Mouse Club- Blaine Carson performed a cover of "King of Wishful Thinking." He has such a good voice. I hope he becomes a star. When I finished my Ben and Jerry, I went into Nicole's bedroom and got her bottle of Parrot Bay Rum so I could make a screw driver with orange juice. They are so yummy, much better than wine coolers. I think those taste nasty.
Nicole came home around 1 a.m. from her shift at Sizzlers. (Don't worry- her boyfriend Brad drove her home. He's 26 and the night manager there.) She looked really glassy-eyed and tired (yet couldn't stop smiling for some odd reason), so we didn't talk much before she went upstairs to her bedroom with a bag of Doritos, an entire box of Vienetta ice cream, some Snackwells, and a liter bottle of Diet Coke.
At about 3 a.m., I heard Mom stumbling through the front door from the date with Robert, which means it was time for me to go to bed.
All in all, a great day. Terminator 2 is coming out next week, and I can't wait to watch it with Jason and Amber. (Scott is totally going to sneak us in even though it's R-rated.)
submitted by methodwriter85 to GenX [link] [comments]


2020.02.07 00:56 jw_mentions /r/AskWomen - "What is the best social context that enables a man to begin a conversation with a woman, or vice versa?"

I am a bot! Please send NotListeningItsABook a private message with any comments or feedback on how I work.
EDIT: As of Fri Feb 07 18:45:47 UTC 2020, the post is at [1pts2c]

About Post:

--- --- Notes
Submission What is the best social context that enables a man to begin a conversation with a woman, or vice versa?
Comments What is the best social context that enables a man to begin a conversation with a woman, or vice versa?
Author cuchuillin
Subreddit /AskWomen
Posted On Wed Feb 05 19:02:56 UTC 2020
Score 1 as of Fri Feb 07 18:45:47 UTC 2020
Total Comments 6

Post Body:

[removed]

Related Comments (2):

--- --- Notes
Author whoop_there_she_is
Posted On Wed Feb 05 19:39:49 UTC 2020
Score 2 as of Fri Feb 07 18:45:47 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
Right, and that is correct and good! That's why I specified that if you treat a woman like a person instead of a prize, there is no risk. Getting to know people as people is the best way to figure out if you and them would make a good pair. Don't girlfriend-zone every woman you meet, because most women do not want to be your girlfriend. Especially if you are a stranger, because they don't know two shits about you. Why would they care?
Go back to my JW example. Would you want Jehovah's witnesses following you around selling you religion all day? Of course not. Would you want them to come to your workplace while you are working and bother you? Nope. Would you want to go to a seminar and have them bother you? Nope. If it were pervasive enough, you might even make a rule like "No Soliciting" because people are sick of it.
"That seems unfair!" yells the Jehovah's Witness. "It's like, no matter where I go, nobody wants me to sell them religion!" And that's true. Maybe someone out there is lonely and slightly interested, but in general, you're going to get a lot more "no"s than "yes." Because nobody wants what you're selling. Dick, like religion, is cheap and low-value. Everyone wants to sell it, few want to buy it.
What women are attracted to, is someone who can make good conversation, is an interesting person, and understands boundaries. If you're funny and interesting and charming and respectful, relationships come naturally. No need to chase down women on the street. Way better odds that way anyways.
--- --- Notes
Author whoop_there_she_is
Posted On Wed Feb 05 19:11:43 UTC 2020
Score 3 as of Fri Feb 07 18:45:47 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 2
Body link
You're talking about to hit on us, right? Not just everyday conversation or to treat us as normal people, but to try to get sex/a date from us?
Because generally, the point is that we don't generally want that from a stranger. Maybe .05% of the strangers I see around town are interesting to me. I'm going to reject everyone else. I'm just not interested. I'm especially not interested if I'm occupied doing something else that I'd like to focus on, but generally, you shouldn't approach total strangers and start begging them to do stuff with you. It doesn't go over well if you're a jehovah's witness asking strangers to join your church, it doesn't go over well as a rando trying to get womens' numbers.
Your best odds, entirely dependent on how much you treat a woman like a person instead of a prize to be won, are places where social interaction is the main or secondary goal. Parties, events, shmoozing spots, hobby groups, online chat, clubs, casual social outings, casual sports, online dating sites, public meetups like bar crawls or singles events, travelling clubs, programs/camps, extended workplace outings, conventions, trade shows where the person is not working, rodeos, meeting friends-of-friends, large holiday dinners, shows/concerts, etc etc etc.
submitted by jw_mentions to jw_mentions [link] [comments]


2020.02.03 13:10 diamondtech 100 approaches in a month - end of the month

December:
So, I'm 34M, and I started this whole adventure with this post around the end of December. I was expressing my skepticism about random approaches and daygame. Before that post, I had been using seduction techniques within online dating and social circles for about 12 years. I had about 20 women as sexual partners. And I only did random approaches occasionally. Maybe once or twice a year.
Then, after I made that post, one of the replies suggested that I should do 100 approaches in a month. I liked the idea. So I decided to try it. I set a goal of 100 approaches in January 2020. I was spurred on by the analogy with playing the piano. If you only play the piano twice a year, you're not gonna get better at it. But, if you start playing the piano every single day, you're gonna get better at it. If you start randomly talking to new people every single day, you're gonna get better at that too. I was also spurred on by grrinchmas's comments about the pace.
At first, I was thinking I needed to only approach young women, around my age, that I'm attracted to. But then I made another post around the middle of January, and the replies suggested that I should talk to people of both genders. Which makes sense. Expanding on that, I shifted my goals, and started talking to all kinds of people, guys, girls, older women, older men. People who I'm not physically attracted to. Also, I decided not to focus too much on the number 100. Instead, the goal became to have random conversations with new people every single day. And I decided not to keep track of numbers at all and just have fun with it. But I'm estimating that I did 60-70 random approaches in January. Not bad. I have to say that it's been occupying my mind, 24/7. It's basically a huge lifestyle change for me.
----------
January - random approaches:
I got out of the house a lot more this month. Before January 2020, there were weekends where I would come home from work on Friday, and stay home the whole weekend, all the way up until I left for work on Monday morning. In January, though, with this mission in mind, I was out every single day of every single weekend. Going to the mall, going to coffee shops, going to bookstores, randomly starting conversations with people. Not only that, but I've been going to coffee shops Mon-Fri before work, going out to four different places on my lunch break, going to the mall after work, you get the idea.
There were a lot of girls that I didn't approach. And I feel like that's just as important as approaching. Looking at a girl, reading her body language, assessing the situation, and deciding "this is not a good time for an approach." That's something that I haven't come across in PUA guides and books. Here's a list of people that I DIDN'T approach this month:
• a girl who is deeply engaged in some activity. Like, if she's talking on a cell phone, I don't approach. Or, if she's staring intently at her phone and typing, she's probably texting someone, so I don't approach. Or she's in the middle of ordering some food, or she's interacting with a cashier or a salesperson, etc.
• I've been looking very closely at the expressions on girl's faces. If a girl seems upset, tired, nervous, worried, or stressed, I don't approach. (On the other hand, if she looks happy and relaxed, I do approach.)
• If I see a girl at night, outside, on a dimly lit street, I don't approach.
• A girl who looks much younger than me. If she looks like she's 16, I don't approach.
• A guy and girl walking/standing together. Especially if they are holding hands, doing kino, making eye contact, standing very close to each other, then they're probably boyfriend and girlfriend, so I don't approach.
• A group of friends. If I see two girls walking/standing together, I don't approach. Or a group of girls. Or a mixed group of guys and girls. I know there are group approach techniques, but that's advanced stuff and I'm not ready for it. (On the other hand, I've approached pairs of people when they split; for example, two people are together in a store, but then they briefly split apart because they are browsing different shelves/racks in the store; that makes it easier and more natural to start a conversation with one of them.)
• A girl who's out with her family. For example, I see a woman around my age, 20s/30s, at the mall, standing with an older woman who appears to be in her 50s/60s. They're probably mother and daughter. I don't approach.
• A girl who's out with her kids. I see a girl my age pushing a stroller with a baby in it. Or I see a girl my age with a 6-year-old walking next to her. I don't approach. I just don't want to get involved with a girl who has kids.
(Side note: I have a feeling that people will reply and say "You should approach couples. You should approach groups. You should approach families." If you're a guy, and you've done this, can you give a report? How did it go? Did it eventually lead to fucking the girl?)
• A girl who's moving quickly. This is a unique situation, and it was pointed out by grrinchmas. If she's walking quickly, she probably has a mission/goal, and she's probably in a hurry to get somewhere. I've seen this, and I haven't approached. grrinchmas outlined a technique for this: stop her, tell her she's beautiful, ask her some questions, add her on Instagram. But yeah, I haven't done that. Maybe in the future when I've built up more skills and confidence.
When I DID approach a person, generally, it was a person who was alone, not moving, with a happy/relaxed look on their face. I talked to a girl who was standing in line, behind me, at Target store in the mall. "Hey, I like your scarf. Did you get it here in the mall?" I talked to girls in coffee shops. "Hey, what kind of coffee are you drinking?" There was a cute girl looking at journals at Anthropologie, so I walked over and started looking at the journals and said "Have you bought these journals before?"
These random approaches have definitely made my life more interesting. I ended up having a lot of good conversations that I wouldn't have had otherwise. And yeah, I've gotten better at it. I feel more comfortable now with the idea of randomly starting up a conversation with someone I've never met before.
-----------
January - social circles:
I did social circle game throughout the month of January. I went to:
• yoga classes
• friend's birthday party at an arcade
• another friend's birthday at a Brazilian restaurant
• friend's house, for a movie night with four other friends (these are all grad students in my department)
• karaoke at Christiana Pub with friends
• Cosmic Convergence (party at an art studio in Baltimore on a Saturday night)
So, I'm actually enjoying both, the social circle game and the random approach game. PUA guides say that you should do a mix of both. I think, as a result of doing all the random approaches, I've become more bold within my social circles. Just randomly talking to people at work, at parties, in class, more so than I would have done in the past. I number-closed two girls this month, one was at Cosmic Convergence, one was a coworker.
I also have an ongoing thing with a girl from the DC area, that started through online dating. I met her through Zoosk back in October, we had sex, we agreed it's a casual thing, we kept it going, we've been seeing each other roughly once a month. Jan 2nd, she came up here to my house and stayed here overnight and we fucked. Feb 1st, I went down to her place and we fucked again.
I used to do a lot of online dating, but I stopped doing it at the beginning of January, to make time for the random approaches.
-----------
February and Future:
I'm gonna keep doing this. I haven't fucked any of my random approaches yet. But I feel like that'll happen eventually. The only way to get better at it is to keep doing it, every single day. grrinchmas spelled out a technique for approaching in daygame and fucking the girl the same day. Starting a conversation, then going and getting some coffee, doing a lot of kino, kissing her, inviting her to a second location, more kissing, more kino, inviting her back to my house, hanging out with her at home for three to five hours, then fucking her. He said this is more likely to happen if you see a woman walking around slowly without a goal. So, yeah, I want to test this in the real world.
I want to mention that my college has been in Winter Session throughout the month of January, which means fewer people on campus and on Main Street. In the middle of February, the spring semester will start, which will mean A LOT more people on campus and more opportunities for approaches.
submitted by diamondtech to seduction [link] [comments]


2020.01.31 13:41 jw_mentions /r/BlackPeopleTwitter - "Dating Life Hack 🤯"

I am a bot! Please send NotListeningItsABook a private message with any comments or feedback on how I work.
EDIT: As of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020, the post is at [3854pts22c]

About Post:

--- --- Notes
Submission Dating Life Hack 🤯
Comments Dating Life Hack 🤯
Author Lylakins
Subreddit /BlackPeopleTwitter
Posted On Fri Jan 31 02:31:08 UTC 2020
Score 3854 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Total Comments 68

Post Body:

n/a - not a self post

Related Comments (22):

--- --- Notes
Author kaitero
Posted On Fri Jan 31 12:46:45 UTC 2020
Score 0 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 2
Body link
I spoke with a JW outside my job and she told me her husband wasn't a JW when they started dating. He still wasn't convinced after a while of going to services with her, yet they're still together. Just because followers are ideally supposed to do something doesn't mean they will/have to.
--- --- Notes
Author JahHomieWitness
Posted On Fri Jan 31 03:46:06 UTC 2020
Score 406 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 25
Body link
i've met both kinds. sexual repression has different affects on different people.
source: was JW for over 20 years.
--- --- Notes
Author Bjorn121_
Posted On Fri Jan 31 11:12:00 UTC 2020
Score 7 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 6
Body link
The only downside is that you also have to be a JW to date girls. And a lot of people in this thread are lying their asses off, as couples are not allowed to have sex before marriage. So unless you divorce and remarry (generally frowned upon and rarely happens), you can't really have had sex with multiple women.
--- --- Notes
Author deviantpegger
Posted On Fri Jan 31 14:29:52 UTC 2020
Score 6 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 1
Body link
You'll be too busy supporting her financially, building cupboard space for all the tracs, Watchtowers, bull shit videos...
Oh, and a lot of clothes for conventions, circuit overseer visits (regional leader - a provincial pope-like arse) and you'd miss Valentine's day and all of those.
Raised in that shit. Thank goodness I fucked out of the abuse.
--- --- Notes
Author birchskin
Posted On Fri Jan 31 03:55:39 UTC 2020
Score 11 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
sick Jehovah's witness reference
--- --- Notes
Author jatmdm
Posted On Fri Jan 31 14:59:16 UTC 2020
Score 5 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
pinging exjw
--- --- Notes
Author person1_23
Posted On Fri Jan 31 09:10:49 UTC 2020
Score 21 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 3
Body link
My cousin is a JW he’s not allowed to play a ton of games what’s the point? His dad got mad at him playing super smash😂
--- --- Notes
Author Lylakins
Posted On Fri Jan 31 12:02:56 UTC 2020
Score -3 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 1
Body link
People should not steal but they still do. Your point makes no sense. There are plenty of fornicating JWs that don’t need to tell anyone who they be having sex with. He or not if two people have sex no one has to know except these two people. Rare is a lie, JWs break the rules just like any other Christian.
--- --- Notes
Author SlimSlavy
Posted On Fri Jan 31 21:45:05 UTC 2020
Score 1 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
thats why most the girls i hit on are JW's LMFAO
--- --- Notes
Author XLauncher
Posted On Fri Jan 31 07:20:40 UTC 2020
Score 29 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 2
Body link
In theory, sure, but my sister is a JW now and somehow, my nephew coincidentally receives a toy right around the day he was born. Just because.
--- --- Notes
Author josiphoenix
Posted On Fri Jan 31 12:24:59 UTC 2020
Score 12 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 1
Body link
Once your progress past a bible study and before they even let you consider baptism you must be regular in field service. Baptism and field service (door knocking) is simple the standard all practicing rank and file witnesses must follow.
I was raised in this religion until I was 25, most of my family still practices and does not speak to me due to be disfellowshipped and my grandfather is an elder (similar to a priest for those unaware). In the last few years they’ve also really tightened up on “association” and you’re extremely discouraged from having even unbaptized friends anymore.
You’re welcome to check my post history and frequent involvement in the ExJW group on here as well. So please do tell me how it works.
--- --- Notes
Author Lawl_MuadDib
Posted On Fri Jan 31 12:52:31 UTC 2020
Score 3 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
Married to an Ex JW and man, if someone hasn’t had a birthday party in their whole life, it feels amazing to see how much they appreciate the littlest things on their birthday.
--- --- Notes
Author TheDeleeted
Posted On Fri Jan 31 12:03:04 UTC 2020
Score -12 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 2
Body link
You have to be higher up than just a understudy in a bible study. So yes you do kinda have to be higher up in the cult.
--- --- Notes
Author Paraxom
Posted On Fri Jan 31 06:40:23 UTC 2020
Score 3 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
My dad is/was a jehovah's witness, I still got birthday and xmas gifts growing up. Only thing I was never allowed to do was Halloween
--- --- Notes
Author lavag1rl
Posted On Fri Jan 31 09:55:32 UTC 2020
Score 19 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 2
Body link
As a former jehovah’s witness I can confirm they’re all experts at keeping up that goody 2 shoes image for the public eye 😭 however- FREAKS 100% behind closed doors. Not 90, not 80, 100 PERCENT BIHH.
--- --- Notes
Author JahHomieWitness
Posted On Fri Jan 31 04:05:53 UTC 2020
Score 21 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
This guy Jehovah witnesses
--- --- Notes
Author kahran
Posted On Fri Jan 31 19:27:11 UTC 2020
Score 2 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
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Dated a JW for half a year. She was crazy and a ho.
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Author TheLateThagSimmons
Posted On Fri Jan 31 13:08:10 UTC 2020
Score 29 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
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The religion doesn’t define them individually.
In the case of some religions, it does. Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, other religions like that; their belief is their culture and character. Everything in their life revolves around their religious community. And yes, per their religion, they're supposed to be very boring by outside standards.
It's not like Catholicism, Lutheran, or Judaism, where religion is more a side thought, where you might go to a service three times a year and technically you're still "Catholic."
For JW's, it's their whole life.
(Yes, just as in any religion, there's the ones that are barely in it; but even JWs don't consider those JWs, literally they're not counted. But that's not what we're talking about)
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Author Bjorn121_
Posted On Fri Jan 31 13:27:40 UTC 2020
Score 7 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
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I spoke with a JW outside my job and she told me her husband wasn't a JW when they started dating. He still wasn't convinced after a while of going to services with her, yet they're still together. Just because followers are ideally supposed to do something doesn't mean they will/have to.
Congrats. I was part of the organisation for ~16 years, but I'm happy for you that you spoke to someone outside of your job.
It could very well be that this was one example, but it is extremely rare. These type of relationships are generally discouraged, unless you have a couple where someone shows interest in becoming a Jehovah's Witness, after they started dating or having started a relationship.
For people who are already part of the organisation, they run a high risk of being excluded from the org, which has severe consequences (people are not allowed to speak to you, etc.). So it's not just one decision you can take lightly. This isn't the Catholic church, where you go to a service twice a year and then just get on with your life. It's much more strictly regulated and it has a large impact on your life.
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Author fisherking1427
Posted On Fri Jan 31 21:12:13 UTC 2020
Score 2 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
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100% true. I was a JW for the first 15 years of my life. Best decision ever was getting out of my mother’s house. And true to form I have ZERO relationship with my mother now.
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Author JahHomieWitness
Posted On Fri Jan 31 13:49:06 UTC 2020
Score 36 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 5
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Almost all of the JWs I've known since I was a kid stopped being friends with me once I left and I barely have a relationship with my parents now. It was basically a hard reset of my life. JWs are a cult and they use shunning as a weapon to keep people in line.
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Author jacurtis
Posted On Sat Feb 01 00:28:40 UTC 2020
Score 1 as of Sun Feb 02 02:30:02 UTC 2020
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While that might be true for people who are holiday observers of religion, it does not apply to religions that like Jehovahs Witnesses, Mormons, Scientologist, etc..
I grew up Mormon myself. It took therapy and over 6 years of recovery to shake certain thoughts and actions from my brain. I’ve since helped friends leave Mormonism and they too have taken many years and therapy to leave. There are many Mormons that don’t believe the religion at all, but have been so brainwashed that they can’t leave the religion even though they don’t believe it. It’s their whole identity. They can have panic attacks from being around coffee or alcohol (Mormons don’t drink coffee, tea, alcohol, etc). It can destroy families.
If you don’t believe me take a look at exmormon and read the stories of people at various levels of recovery. Some are nonbelievers that still “pretend” because they are too afraid to leave. Some are people who have left but don’t know how to move on. Other have lost families over it. You’ll see pictures everyday on that subreddit of people posting pictures of themselves drinking their first cup of coffee of their entire life at 40 years old. It’s such a huge step for them at kicking the religion that drinking a cup of coffee is a monumental achievement and accomplishment. You’ll see people who are celebrating buying their first pair of normal underwear at a store (Mormons have to wear special underwear) because they left the church years before but couldn’t let go of wearing the Mormon underwear because they had been so brainwashed for so many years into needing that underwear. They will wear worn out underwear for years (because once you leave, the Mormon church won’t sell you fresh underwear) because they can’t get themselves to mentally go buy normal underwear. It’s fucked up. But I’ve been through it myself and I’ve helped others through it.
So yeah, religion is a lot more than believing in a god for some people. It might be that way for the casual observer. But some of these religions have people brainwashed and terrified to leave or break the religions rules (usually lots of rules regarding sex). It’s more than believing in a God at that point. It effects how you see yourself, your spouse, the underwear you wear, what you drink, who you talk to, how you spend your money, and more. It controls every portion of their lives.
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2020.01.29 00:29 dourdan Trials of Adam ch7, 8

Trials of Adam ch7, 8

Welcome to my novel, inspired by Barry Pepper's role in Crawl (2019)
previously: https://www.reddit.com/BarryPeppecomments/ev0y49/trials_of_adam_ch5_6/
Chapter 7: Health
I awoke to the smell of coffee and the sparkle of the sunlight. It was another beautiful day to be alive. In the distance I could hear the song, 'Maybe, I'm amazed,' playing on the living room speaker. The melody was one I knew by heart. I had hummed it in the field, on deployment, while dreaming of home. And when I was home, I sang it to my baby daughter.
“Baby I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time,” I sang only in my head. Baby always seemed like a better word than ‘maybe.’ The use of ‘maybe’ made an otherwise pretty, inspiring sung come off as somewhat sarcastic. “Baby I’m amazed by the way need you.”
I was strong enough to get in my wheelchair on my own, so I made my way to the living room fully expecting to see my wife. Instead, I saw Cece dancing in a loose flowing nightgown. She twirled around, with the baby in her arms, looking like the main character of The Nutcracker ballet. "Will you dance with me?" she asked, mid pirouette.
“Who are you talking to?” Clearly, I was in no condition to dance.
"You, of course, Daddy." Cece put the baby in a nearby carrier to free her hands. "Mom already left for the day."
"She left?"
"Mom does volunteer work with the USO, on my days off. It’s her break from the baby." Clearly this was a fact that royally pissed her off. "But now that you’re finally awake, it’s also my day to spend with you. Dance with me?"
That was when I noticed that the piece was playing on a loop. It was a cover of the Beatles song, performed by a female vocalist. It also seemed to only be two minutes long. Was this a performance piece? Had I interrupted a rehearsal of some kind?
"I don't know if I can,” I said, with a shrug. In truth, I just wanted to watch her.
Cece came closer, the silk of her nightgown touched my arm. "Anyone can dance."
“I’m a little out of practice.” In my chair, I was wearing the clothes I'd slept in; a white t-shirt and boxers. I had my prosthetic leg attached in case I wanted to attempt to piss while standing.
"Stand up, put your arms around me." Cece stroked my neck, down my shoulder.
"Give me a second." I knew I could. I had done it before but I needed a moment to gather my courage.
"Come on,” Cece said as she playfully kissed my cheek. “Stand tall, Master sergeant." My daughter helped me up, placing my hands on her shoulders. She was a good six inches shorter than me. But looking into her eyes, you'd never know.
"Do I still even have my rank?" I asked with a laugh. After all the shit I'd done I was lucky to not be in prison.
"Of course," Cece said, swaying her body softly. We slow danced like a teenage couple at prom. "General Blake made sure you were given full medical retirement."
If that was true, it was an impressive feat. "I guess I owe her one." I place my hands on Cece's waist, pulling her close.
"You owe her about a million. We all do." Cece put her head on my shoulder as we continued to sway. "I want to help you write your memoir,” she said in a whisper. “The world needs to know your story.”
"Before the chemo eats my brain?" I asked with a chuckle.
Cece didn't laugh. “Not funny, Dad.” She took a step away, letting me sit back in my chair. My daughter released a disappointed sigh, as she picked up a nearby remote and turned off the music.
Baby Gregory started to cry.
Cece turned her attention to her brother, rocking him in her arms. "Hush little one." She handed me a cup of coffee that had been sitting out long enough to be comfortably warm. "It breaks my heart to know that, maybe, there will come a day when daddy won't remember me." Cece took a sip from her own coffee. "Because I sure as hell will never forget the remarkable man he was."
I gave Cece a reassuring nod, assuming she was just being her usual sweet self. But as I matched her gaze, I could feel something much deeper. "Cece, are you alright?"
She shook her head, blinking away tears. "I know I was supposed to be the one to die. You made a deal with the angels to take my place." She sat down with a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast, casually offering me a fork.
"You knew?" How was that possible?
“I knew I was going to die if you never found your way back to Mississippi. But he moment you were in the room, by my side I could feel,” she paused, placing her hands over her heart, “this is going to sound weird. I could feel your energy, your spirit, maybe even your soul.”
"Really?" The idea filled me with a sense of comfort.
"When you're in pain, I feel pain." Her free hand touched mine, lending an air of truth. "When you cry, I cry. But when you're happy, confident, strong, I can truly feel your heart." Cece blushed as she looked away. "So, where do you want to start? I have my laptop right there. If you like I can tell you what I remember from your stories."
"I really don't feel like chronicling my shitty life, now or ever." Even if the illness did take my mind, I would hope it could take the bad memories first.
“Oh? Ok.” Cece adorably pouted her bottom lip. "So, what do you feel like doing?"
I was midbite, giving me a chance to come up with a genuine answer. "For starters, maybe leaving the house?" Since I had no memory of even arriving in Colorado.
"Ok, but let’s finish breakfast first. I promised Mom I'd take care of you and the baby." She took another sip of her coffee while balancing her baby brother with one arm. "And unlike Mom, I can't feed either if you with my tits."
“Aw, fuck, Cece!” I bit my lip, trying to avoid spitting coffee as I laughed. I certainly had some topic of conversation for the next time I spoke with my guardian angel.
“I have your sense of humor,” she said with a shrug. “And so, will Greg.”
After breakfast I was introduced to the extent of our on-base lodging. The entire apartment was one bedroom, one bathroom, with a kitchen that opened up to a living room. Cece slept on the sofa next to the baby's crib. All while everything our four-person family owned was stored in a single walk-in closet.
Cece dug through a trunk, pulling out a pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. “Here we go.” She proceeded to help me get dressed. I could actually dress myself easily enough, maneuvering my fake and real legs into the stiff denim. I put on my belt and the shirt on. I could have probably worked the buttons and zippers myself. But there was something addictive about human touch. Or maybe it was just Cece’s touch.
Still holding the baby, she had only one arm to work with, forcing her to come even closer. She balanced Greg on her hip while she buckled my belt. I watched as her fingers paused on my stomach before moving up my chest to button my shirt. Each movement was slow, deliberate. The sound of her wispy breath sent a shiver down my spine. "Lilith was the true bride of Adam."
"What?" I was unsure of what I just heard.
Cece only blinked like an innocent little doll. "Did you say something?"
“No, sweetie, it must have been the AC.” I knew I had an erection. I wanted her to touch me so bad. Her lips were inches from mine. I could practically taste the vanilla coffee creamer on her breath.
My hard-on was quickly deflated when Jamie appeared behind Cece, staring daggers at me. "If you even think about it, I will personally send you to hell."
Cece raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think the air conditioning is on. You sure you’re ok?”
"It’s nothing sweetheart," I said to Cece as I reached for the baby. "I can hold Gregory while you get dressed."
"That would be great.” Cece left the baby in my arms as she went to the bathroom. “Thanks, Dad.”
Balancing Gregory with one arm, I stood up. Walking was not the easiest thing in the world, so my intention was to hold the baby close to my chest.
His soft little face felt warm. "Da?" He squirmed, looking from side to side.
"Are you looking for Mama?"
Gregory shook his head. "Ga!"
"You looking for Cece?" I asked. That made much more sense.
But the baby seemed to be motioning towards the closet. “Ga!”
"What's back there?"
There were quite a few unpacked suitcases in various states of disarray. Looking closer, I could see a trail of sequins, made of holographic material. The pieces of plastic seemed to shimmer in shades of red, purple and blue. I stroked my hand along the zipper, opening the case just enough to take a peek. There were costumes, papers, an entire packed suitcase. At the bottom were her shoes; her worn in pointe shoes. I couldn't help but smile; she was still dancing.
"Oh that," Cece's said from behind me. "Just another one of a million that we owe General Blake." She casually pulled off the top sheet of paper. "I'm going to compete in Miss Colorado Springs."
According to the papers Cece was being sponsored by the Air Force base. "Wow, that's incredible."
"It's a preliminary to Miss America, so talent competition...yeah," Cece's voice trailed off. "I would've liked to only compete in talent but that's not how pageants for full-grown adults work."
Turning towards her, I caught sight of my daughter stepping into a pair of jeans. Her hips and legs were covered in scars; deep wounds that would never heal. I tried to tell myself they were from the surgeries that saved her, or maybe from her heroic escape, but I knew the truth. Those boys had butchered her; they hurt her in ways that she could never recover from.
The baby in my arms apparently felt my energy and started to cry, reaching for his sister.
Cece quickly finished getting dressed. "I'll take him." With one arm she put on a jacket. "Let's take a walk to the park by the elementary school."
"Does he have a stroller?" I asked.
"No, just the carrier car seat," Cece replied. "But I'm ok, just holding him." Greg seemed to melt into her arms, like a store-bought doll. "I imagine it won't always be this easy, once he learns how to walk." She turned to my wheelchair, which sat alone in the living room. "Should we bring your chair, in case you get tired?"
"Sure. But I'm not tired, right now." I pushed Cece in the chair, on the journey to the playground. It was warm for December in Colorado; jacket weather but nothing more severe. There was snow on the ground, just enough to make the world sparkle. "It's sure beautiful here."
Cece nodded, looking up at the afternoon sky. "Yeah, it is."
The past was the past. But as I swallowed a mouthful of spit, I felt the muscles in my neck grow tense. A cold breeze caressed my chemo port as if to remind me; this isn't heaven, you still have work to do. "So, when were you going to tell me about the Miss Colorado pageant?"
Cece shrugged. She motioned towards a bench for us to rest at.
"You don't seem very excited."
"I am," Cece said as she bit her upper lip. "I'm grateful for the opportunity to dance."
"But modeling, not so much?" I asked, in a vain attempt to get her to shed some of the emotional weight.
"No, I like to model.” Cece fidgeted with her hands, mentally composing an answer that would make sense. "It’s, well, you said it yourself; reciting the story of your shitty life is not the most pleasant thing in the world."
"Oh," I said with a sigh. Why would I expect her to be brave about her past, when I myself refused to acknowledge my trauma? I knew enough about the Miss America pageant; instead of a normal interview portion, contestants were required to have a platform, a topic they wanted to represent. "Couldn't you talk about something else?"
"I will. My platform is going to be about community support for military families. I want to encourage people to donate and/or volunteer for charities that support the families of deployed personnel. There are quite a few good ones, organizations that I’m truly proud to represent.” Cece sighed. “But that doesn't stop people from asking about my past." She bounced her baby brother on her lap.
"Why would people ask? Wasn't that the point of moving to Colorado?"
"Haters gonna hate,” she replied in a baby voice, “especially in the age of the internet."
I sat beside her and held her hand, desperate to change the subject. “You have always been so strong. I have complete faith in you.”
“Thanks, Dad.” She gave my hand a comforting squeeze. “General Blake told me I needed to be brave, like you.”
What? The idea made me slightly nauseous. “What has General Blake told you?”
Cece casually shrugged. “Just that you did some shit.”
"Oh, God," I muttered, mentally preparing myself. Damn Alyssa, are you freaking serious!
"I will never be ashamed of you. Not after what I lived through," Cece said, rocking the baby close to her chest. "But I know about the drugs and the sex. You let people hurt you because it felt good; it made you feel like you were worth something."
I nodded. Her level of empathy and understanding nearly drive me to tears.
Cece squeezed my hand again, confirming our connection. "If I win Miss Colorado, I want to speak out about mental health in the military. I mean, the way things are; it's such a stigma to ask for help, but if soldiers can't ask for help without risking a medical discharge the only thing left is to get fucked up."
"Wow, just wow." I cupped my hand over my mouth as my soul tried to determine whether to laugh or cry.
"Dad, you're my best friend.” Cece looked at me with sadness in her eyes. “You have the right to know, the cancer is in your brain. From what I overheard, you were having seizures and something about a blood infection. The medical team back in Mississippi didn't think you were going to wake up much less survive the flight to Colorado. But mom and I agreed, we weren't going to leave you behind."
The statement was a little odd. "You and Mom?" Even after I whored myself across the country?
"Neither of us could ever leave you."
“Does that include this little guy?”
"Of course, it does, right Greg?" Cece asked, tickling the baby's cheeks. "We love Daddy so much! We could never leave him to die in America's taint. And why is Mississippi America’s taint?"
Greg giggled happily.
"Because Florida looks like America's cock?" I asked.
"Among many reasons," Cece said with a smirk. “I told you Greg would inherit your twisted humor. Anyway, let's grab some food. A local place opened a few days ago, at the BX- they have the best nacho chili fries."
"God, I missed the base-exchange."
"Why? It's just a mall."
"Have you been to the outside world? Malls are vanishing faster than biscuits at a hometown buffet."
"Now I want fried chicken."
"There's a chicken place? How do people here pass their fitness tests?"
Cece laughed. “The malls are for dependents. Actual military personnel have to eat the ‘nutritionally diverse’ crap at the mess halls.”
“As usual, you are wise beyond your years.”
Cece offered to push me in the wheelchair so I could have some time to hold the baby, but he seemed happier in his sister's arms. We ate a quick lunch of nuggets and fries, before returning home to give Greg a bottle.
The last thing I remembered was drifting off to sleep, with the baby on my chest. I awoke to a dark, empty living room. the air was cold, dry. All around I could hear static. But the noise was not from the tv or even the landline phones. “Hello?”
I got up, making my way towards the bedroom, fully prepared to track down the sound. that was when I heard Leo.
He was sitting on the sofa where I had just been, with his rainbow wings wrapped around his shoulders. "You need to check your daughter’s laptop," he said while picking at a single shimmery feather. His fidgeting appeared to be the source of the static-like noise.
"Ok, sure." I walked to the closed laptop. "I don't see why you can't just talk to me."
"Oh, we'll have plenty to talk about."
I opened the laptop and clicked on the main internet browser. There was an urgent news article out of Mississippi. A man by the name Jason Valdez, age nineteen was missing. The teen was serving a six-year sentence for sexual assault, as part of a deal made with the prosecutor. But apparently even that was too much for him because he was snuck out of jail. This was accomplished by switching places with a volunteer from his grandfather's congregation. The imposter was found hours later, when SHE refused to take a shower. "Well, that’s some really twisted shit."
"Yeah, tell me about it," Leo said with a groan. “I guess that’s Mississippi for you; all Hispanic teenagers look the same.”
I scrolled down to look at the mug shot, curious to see if the article would include an image of the person that he managed to trade places with. It did not. But I could see how my daughter fell in love with this Jason guy. The boy was an athlete, valedictorian, and model. He had feminine features, the way a male model would; with high cheekbones and deep-set eyes. He was also the only child of the late Carlos Ramone Valdez, a locally famous agent of the cartel. “So, Jason’s mafia connected preacher grandfather broke him out of prison?"
"That's what it says, anyway." Leo crossed his arms, as he looked out into the distance. "Marcellei 'Marksman' Valdez is apparently someone with friends in low places."
"This Jason guy is on his way here?" I asked. I could feel my blood pressure rising.
"Maybe." Leo shrugged.
"Really, Leo? This isn't a fucking game! This is my family!" I was full on screaming like a deranged drill sergeant.
Leo looked at me, but only briefly. "Well, I guess it's a good thing he can't get on base and even if he could there's no way to find Cece's exact location."
"But he knows she's in Colorado?"
"Only because Cece happens to be listed on a very public website about an upcoming event that will be taking place in a very public auditorium."
I gripped my head. This was bad. "That piece of info took things from shitty to nightmarish really quick."
"Yup." Leo leaned back, crowing his arms over his chest. "Choices will have to be made."
Choices? I felt angry, but more than that I felt afraid. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I hobbled to a nearby wall and did the only thing I could; I slammed my fist into the hard surface over and over. "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"
I awoke with a jolt, sitting up like I had just been electrocuted. "Oh, dear God!"
Marni had been in the kitchen and rushed to my side. "Adam, what’s wrong?” She pressed her hand to my forehead. “Are you in pain?"
Looking outside the window, it was now dark. Apparently, I had been asleep for hours. "I'm fine." I went straight to Cece's laptop to find the date and location of the pageant. According to the website, the event was in January, at a mall in Denver. That was how long I had to make a plan, to protect the people I love, all while surviving chemo. I needed to draw from my strength; past present and future, to be the father they deserved.
This was going to require some divine intervention.
Chapter 8: Death
I was awoken by the sensation of coughing up blood. It was my third week of chemo in Colorado and the pain was once again becoming unbearable. I used to wonder why people, when diagnosed with a terminal illness, would often skip treatment and simply try to make the most of what time they had left. That felt like such a cowardly way to die. But now, in that moment, I could see the appeal. Chemo was not medicine. it was killing my cancer at the same rate that my cancer was killing me.
I pressed the nurse call button. "Hello, is anyone there?"
I could hear a static reply on the other end. The high-pitched sound sent a wave of pain down my body. Oh, fuck me.
I knew the room was constantly monitored, even when I was the only patient scheduled that hour. "Can I please have some water," I asked with desperation. I needed something more than water. Please I need someone, anyone.
“Hey, Adam,” whispered the small, red-haired nurse. She was on the younger side, not much older than Cece.
“Um, I don’t think we’ve met.” I attempted to extend my hand to her but I could barely lift its weight.
“Oh, sorry! It’s my first week. I’m Lia.” She looked and acted like a stereotypical preschool teacher, like the type of person who grew up with horses and always wanted to be a veterinarian. She placed her soft hand to my face, tracing a finger down my jaw. "Poor, baby you’re running a very high fever,” she said in a manner of utmost sincerity. “I'm going to pause the chemo to start you on some fluids and then ask the floor doctor what she wants to do."
“Thank you.” The very idea caused a wave of peace.
“Thank me when I make you all better,” she said before kissing my forehead.
There was something about her, and I could only smile.
In a matter of minutes, the nurse returned to start a course of saline into my PICC line. As Lia finished, she pressed her lips to my ear. “All done. You’ve been such a good boy.”
As I felt the cool liquid, a beautiful, sensual calmness washed over my very soul. Or maybe it was the fact that I was sporting a noticeable erection. "Is my wife here?"
“Yes, your wife and daughter are in the waiting room with your son. Your little boy is so precious.”
I felt her hold my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. Her hands were so small, soft, and gentle. Oh God. Her hands felt like Cece’s.
I closed my eyes, hoping to will the situation away. It worked.
When I awoke, the light in the room was different. I could see a female doctor speaking to Marni. They’re standing at the foot of my bed, speaking as if I wasn’t even present. "Mrs. Severgine, your husband is displaying symptoms of infection, it may be best for him to take a break from chemo for a while."
"How long is a while?" Marni asked. She briefly glanced in my direction, without turning her head.
The doctor cleared her throat, as if trying to assert dominance. “Long enough for his body to recover, and regain some strength."
I knew she was full of shit. My throat and lungs were on fire, my mind was slowing going to shit, and whenever I tried to sit up, I felt like my stomach was going to rupture in all possible directions. There would be no regaining strength. I already knew the game plan; there would be no more government-sponsored chemo, and I would be moved to a hospice ward to die. “Marni, please.”
My wife nodded. But there was a lump in her throat. “The chemo has been helping with the discomfort. He’s been able to sleep through the night.” She covered his mouth, as the fear in her eyes shone through. No matter how much she believed in me, I was going sleep for a long, long time. "Can you at least give him something for the pain."
"I'm going to prescribe some Fentanyl."
"No!" I shouted with what little strength I had. I knew what Fentanyl meant; I would lose consciousness; I would lose time.
The doctor sighed. “Another option would be cannabis to treat your nausea and muscle pain, but we'd first have to get your fever under control while monitoring your heart. unfortunately, your liver and kidney function will continue to deteriorate."
I knew what she meant. I couldn't hold down solid food; all my internal shit was shutting down. But there was one thought that forced its way to the front of my brain. "W-What about…”
“About what? Mr. Severgine?” she asked in an almost mocking tone.
“My eyes,” I regretted the question the moment the words exited my mouth.
The doctor looked at her chart. "Um, there is nothing in your chart that would indicate that as a concern."
If she was going to treat me like a mentally handicapped freak, I had to go all in. “AM- I- going- to- go- blind?"
“At this moment in time, I have no reason to believe the cancer will effect your vision.”
You believe that the cancer which started in my brain will not affect my eyes? "Can I still attend physical therapy for my leg?" You fucking sorry excuse for a human being.
"I would recommend a home care nurse."
"That won’t be necessary. Our daughter is well versed in pain therapy," Marni said as calmly as she could muster.
"I'll send the nurse in with something to help calm the fever.”
Checkmate; I was fucked. No sooner had she spoke, when a sharp pain struck my chest causing my lungs to slam shut.
"He's Code blue!" shouted everyone and no one.
Alarms blared as the world went dark.
I awoke in the intensive care unit. Every muscle in my chest was burning, until my body remembered that was on a steady flow of oxygen. Breathe, just breathe. My efforts were made easier when I saw my daughter by my side.
"Hi, Dad,” Cece said in an emotional whisper. “Mom's outside with the baby."
I tried to speak but no words came out. Upon swallowing I could feel the reason why; there was a breathing tube down my throat. It was all I could do not to cry.
"You coded three times,” she said, blinking tears from her eyes. “I was so afraid. I just can't imagine a world with you.”
Well, you're going to have to kiddo.
“But I know I’m going to have to.”
I could feel my daughter massaging my leg with gentle pressure.
“Mom says you ask about blindness?"
I reached for my daughter's hand. "I-" I started to draw the letter on her palm. "I w-a-s a-f-r-a-i-d."
"You were afraid?”
I spelled out 'D-A-N-C-E', while twirling my fingers. I was afraid I wouldn't get to see you dance one last time.
Cece cupped her hand over her mouth. She took a few breaths, to calm her mind and heart, before returning her hand to mine. “In heaven, we'll all have perfect wings and I'll dance with you every day.”
Over the next few days, I became strong enough to go home. By that I mean I could make it twenty-four hours without going into cardiac arrest. I was assigned a hospice care nurse who would check in once a day, while I spent my waking hours in a wheelchair. I would never walk again. Not that I could even if wanted to.
The pain in my back was intense. It came in two forms; the agonizing spasms in my remaining leg and violent, stabbing migraines. On one of my worse days, Cece stayed by my side.
Her massages were the only thing keeping me sane.
"I'm skipping the pageant," Cece said as she adjusted my leg.
"You can't,” I said with a comical groan.
"And why is that?” she asked with a sweet smile.
"Because I really want to go to Denver. and you can't deny a dying man's last wish."
“Ok.” Cece kissed my cheek. “For you.”
It wasn’t a hard decision; everything was all paid for, from travel costs to gowns and costumes. But, unfortunately, the pageant directors saw an opportunity and Cece became known as the military princess with the dying father. She was one of the few contestants interviewed on the local news.
The media was sent to our hotel room. For a painfully-awkward two hours I sat in bed, as Cece administered pain therapy to my leg. Off-camera, I consumed excessive amounts of cannabis in the form of surgery fruit-flavored candies. I’m sure I looked half dead in most of the footage.
"How's the cyst on your leg?” Cece asked, sitting by my side in her pageant dress. It was a short, but conservative tank-dress intended for the preliminary competition.
"Please let your mother take care of it." We were staying at a hotel room paid for by Cece's sponsors. Ideally, she was supposed to stay in a different hotel, rooming with a fellow contestant, but that wasn’t part of the deal. She refused to leave my side, much to the cringe of the pageant directors.
"Yeah, well Mom's taking forever. The store is just down the street. In the time it's taken her to find a first aid kit, I could have made a knife out of a shaving razor."
"You are not cutting my leg with a prison shank." I knew she crafty, so I wouldn't have put it past her to simply wait until I fell unconscious to do the deed.
The open sore was in a most awkward place. On my upper thigh, there was a brand. A scar from a lifetime ago, or at least that’s what I like to I tell myself. It was the mark of my sexual submission, my loyalty to the people who filled my mind body and soul with free drugs. The symbol had been lost to time. I think it was a shield or some twisted reimagining of military stripes. It was not for my benefit; it was to prove my worth. All I knew was I now had a festering sore cutting through the damaged flesh and scar tissue.
The door opened and Marni returned. "I bought a craft knife and bandages." She dumped out a plastic bag containing an Exacto knife, rubbing alcohol and at least five rolls of bandages.
I politely asked Cece to leave the room. She knew I was bleeding, and from where I was bleeding, but thankfully she had the kind heart and social intelligence to spare me a moment of humiliation. But I still didn’t want to be fully conscious when she saw my naked cock and slave-brand. Reclined on the bed, with my dick out, I made myself as mentally ready as I could. best case scenario; it would bleed out enough to relive the pain. I leaned my head back, not wanting to look at what she was about to do. I felt a cut. There was a great deal of moisture. I could feel my muscle throbbing, burning. I didn’t think the situation could get any worse, and then I heard a knock at the door.
"Hi, Cece!” shouted a male voice.
My daughter looked through the door. "Get the fuck away from me!"
“Cece, please just open the door!” the voice asked frantically.
Cece looked at me with a questioning glance. “What do I do?”
“Is that Jason?”
Cece nodded.
“Open the door.”
She nodded with a sense of confidence. My daughter knew why I said what I did— we could trap him.
"Cece, please hear me out," said the male voice, he seemed on the verge of tears.
"Fine Jason, I'll hear you out.” Cece opened the door to the sight of a tall, muscular teen. “Why are you not in prison?"
"I left. I found God and I left."
What the fuck kind of answer was that? I couldn’t see his face, but judging by his build, I figured I could take him.
Cece seemed more annoyed than frightened. "And you came here?"
"Yes, I came to you. I was meant to come back for you. I never meant to hurt you. we’re the same, you and me."
Cece scoffed and turned away, "How?"
I knew what he meant; Jason was Hispanic, and that couldn't have been easy to live with, in Mississippi. Still, I gripped the knife by the blade. The craft-knife was in my wife's hand, still cutting into my bleeding thigh. "What do I do?" I asked out loud.
“What?” Marni gave me a look. I knew, if it was up to her we would have called the police before doing anything stupid.
The world froze, as the color from the scene slipped away like a photo. "Jamie stood over Cece, placing his hand upon her shoulder.
All while Leo stood at my side. "I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I would do."
"Dear Lord, guide my hand, guide my soul." I would like to say I didn't remember what happened next but Jamie would not let me forget.
“I can’t believe you did that! You stabbed that kid with the same knife your wife used to cut open your balls!"
I apparently used my tiny weapon to cut open Jason’s neck, a fact that Jamie found hysterical. I awoke in a hospital bed, my body secured in what could only be described as a straightjacket. “All this for stabbing a kid with an exacto blade?”
"And your dick was just hanging out when the cops got there, omg! It was hilarious!"
In the bed next to mine was Jason. The kid had a trac in his neck, and his eye was swollen shut. Seeing the damage to his prefect face, I kind of hoped the mutilation was my doing. But knowing Marni I wouldn't put it past her to get a swing in. He started to cough, and wheeze, struggling for breath as he spoke, "A-Are you awake, sir?"
What the fuck? "What's it to you?"
"I know your heart is too weak for chemo."
I couldn't tell if that was a question or a statement. "What?"
"My dad," Jason said in a breath, it was clearly painful, forcing the words to form. Although I could not fully see his neck injury, I could hear the blood bubbling in his wound. "It was the same for him before he passed."
"Really?"
"I was nine when he passed of bone cancer. It was one of the reasons why Cece and I became best friends." His voice was cracking at the word, 'friends', making him sound younger than his nineteen years.
I wasn’t buying it. "What kind of person gang rapes his best friend?"
"Can I tell you the truth? Not even my lawyer wanted to know the truth."
"I'll take a summery." I wasn't about to let him plead for forgiveness if he was not even willing to take blame. I held my dying daughter in my arms; I had no pity to give or tears to cry. But even I had to admit, his answer was surprising.
"I sold my girlfriend's virginity for a couple grams of meth." He was not proud not was he ashamed.
"Ok," I said with a sigh. "You have my attention."
"I'm a piece of shit with a reserved seat next to Satan." In a raspy whisper, Jason told the story of how he had gotten drunk, high and attempted to barter with the only thing of value he had in his possession; his girlfriend. "My hot, Asian, cheerleader girlfriend…”
“That’s my daughter!”
“My beautiful angel of a girlfriend, who I knew would do anything to save my worthless ass."
That sounded like Cece. but the fact remained; all three attackers left behind DNA. "She told me what you and your friends did to her."
"Not my friends..."
"Fine, the people who apparently had your balls in a vice; would have let them kill my daughter?"
"No, sir, I swear.” Jason started to sob. “I have told you nothing but the truth so I’ll tell you the truth of why my DNA was found in the rape kit.” He paused to gather breath. “They had me go last; to tie her hands and feet while I hurt her. I raped her while one of the other guys was choking her. I made sure to leave her hands free. I knew she had the ability to break out of a car trunk. I figured if she could escape on the way to the dumpsite, she could make a run for it."
"Dumpsite? You were going to leave her for dead?”
"If she was dead when we arrived, I would have killed myself, to be with her.” Jason sounded sincere. “I love her, this was all an epic fuck up.”
"What happened when you made it to the dumpsite with an empty trunk?"
Jason held up his left hand, something I had not noticed before; he was missing three fingers. "One for each payment owed, plus a few more things I gave up voluntarily."
"Wow." I had to admit that gained him a few points in my book.
"Yeah, I wanted her to get as far away as possible." Jason went quiet. "A lot of what happened, what I did, my grandparents and my lawyers told me to just stay silent, so it wouldn't have to go on record."
That made sense; all the pieces were coming together. He came from an honorable family.
"I fucked up really bad. But I’m clean now. I got the help I needed, made my peace with God. I just wanted to see her. I never got to say I was sorry.”
Leo stood at my side. He was stroking my arm. He placed his lips to my ear, "Ask the kid how he knew Cece could break out of a trunk?" With each touch, I felt the restraints loosen.
I needed to have faith in Leo's plan. "How did you know she could free herself?"
"She told me you taught her," Jason said with a nod. "You took her camping, hunting, fishing- when you were in-state, and when you were on deployment you would give her projects."
I hadn't gone on vacation with Cece for years. The thought of it warmed my heart. She loved to talk, learn, just discover the world around her.
"I bet someone like you never fucked up."
I looked to Leo who had now freed my right arm. If I could get out of this bed, I could kill Jason. I still wanted to kill him for what he did. But the fact remained, he was someone’s child. "Your father had a port in his chest?"
"During his last few months of treatment, the doctors said the chemo would kill him but he wanted to keep fighting."
I sat up in bed, enough to turn my body to the side. I needed to get a good look at him, face to face, man to man. At that moment Jason looked genuinely pathetic. He was in fact, just a kid. I wished I could remember what Cece would have wanted. Would she want me to forgive him? Did she forgive him? "So, what now, Son? You're going to get sent back to Mississippi where you're going to do some hard time."
Jason nodded. "I know. I could have gone to Mexico. I was actually supposed to meet up with some guy that my grandparents hired to sneak me out of the country by way of Cuba or Canada. I don't even know. I never planned on going through with it. This was my plan all along. I wanted to see her one last time."
I didn’t know if that was romantic or creepy. I felt my other arm release. I could now get off the bed. I had a choice to make so I was going to make it.
“Can you please take me to see her dance? After that you can do whatever you want to me. I know you’re sick, you have nothing to lose. You can send me straight to hell.”
“How polite of you to assume I’m going to kill you,” I said with my southern charm. “Now I don’t have to feel bad about it.”
The boy gave a sad chuckle. “You never did. I don’t deserve to be alive.”
“Yeah, you don’t. But you are.”
Jason was sobbing.
Oh, my fucking God. "Let's get the fuck out of here."
“Really?”
I had no idea how I would even accomplish such a task. “I want you to apologize. That’s what your best friend, my daughter, deserves.” In truth, what Cece deserved was the chance to be the hero of her own life.
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